neuroticity.

Goodbye Neuroticity. Goodnight.

2011-06-06T18:23:00.002+08:00

For this final post, I want to integrate three things. Something about daily living or spendings (driving, shopping etc.), music/books, and a bit of my neuroticism (misanthropy, insights, short stories, failed poetry, and what-not). Basically, what I've always talked about. I won't do this post all on one day, but it'll be slowly formed. The date of it's release though, shall be marked as 6th of June. Just cause I like the double numerals. I really am fond of this place, but am also so tired of it. Not actually going to delete it, but rather leave it to rot to pieces. Treat it like a journal whose pages are full. Not entirely sure what I'll move on to; perhaps I'll stop writing altogether (though an unlikely possibility, for writing helps me release much of my raging emotions). Definitely won't be tumblr-ing - not fond of its word limit and complicated archive system. Wordpress would be pointless and needlessly more complicated. Twitter is nonsense. What shall I do now what shall I do? I'm actually a bit sad that I'm closing this place down before I graduate, but shit happens I guess. It's the right time to shut this off, and perhaps I'll explain why later.

I went to a bookfair at The Mines with Wey and her sis on Sunday (June 5th). Yes, I drove all the way there. At least I've set myself apart from that fucked-up ass in terms of daring to drive. However, I need tons of practice on my parking. Sigh. Now I can't remember how to do side parking anymore. Also, now there's a problem with the Audi's lock system. So insecure. Anyhows, I bought about 10 books from there (manga-book mixture really), but Wey bought more than 10 (12-14 I think). Hahah what did you say about being broke? The grand total was supposedly 700+ ringgit, but because of the awesome discounts (70% off on each book, and 10% off the overall price), it became a mere 220+ ringgit. Craziness. We actually got to the Mines around 2 because Wey broke her specs and I didn't receive the sms, so we went and got her new frames and almost immediately left for the bookfair. She doesn't like them frames - too tight near the temples. The only other reason I went to that bookfair was to watch Shiomaru/Shio Yee sing live. Pathetically, though she's performed at AniManGaki before, I never got a chance to watch her (damn Omatsuri). She's singing again at CF, but I doubt I'd go. Besides the fact that I've nobody to go with, it's gonna cost much to get in there, and it'd be too fucking crowded. Long story short, we went there after much hoo-hah about Wey's specs, drooled and snatched up books, cheered for Shiomaru, and waded our way back to SS2 for a McD dinner and snow ice dessert. I love eating snow ice.

One of the three songs we heard her sing. Hey, I like her enough to insert her in my final post.

I mentioned driving only briefly, but honestly, I'm quite excited at the 'progress' I'm making in driving. I'm slowly beginning to connect familiar roads in my mind. Very slowly. Though, I think I'm a rather dangerous driver. This morning (June 6th) as I was thinking hard about some road and how to get there, I suddenly found myself eating up another lane and also not slowing down as I got closer to the front car. Autopilot doesn't exist in me. Or maybe it's just not well-developed enough yet. Another bad habit of mine is that I tend to go fast in unfamiliar places, but slow or at a reasonable speed in familiar areas. Might have to do with imagined pressure from other people.

We're planning to go for an art for grabs fair in a few weeks. Can't wait for that. Perhaps we could hang out on the weekends more now that I am quite sure of the way to your house. I might even dare drive the manual car. I'm too tired of focusing on university and all its dreary aspects. I feel left out (and put out) and I want the social outings. These days, I just feel like a fucking sad 21 year old most of the time. I feel like saying fuck more too. O wait, not supposed to get to the neurotic part yet. Yeah well, my daily life is more tedious than usual. I guess I'm tired of living here. It's been 16 fucked-up years. Tired of dreaming when reality is shitting in your face. Anyhow, Wey, we should go out more. I don't know if you'd be migrating after your graduation either. So yeah.

I think I know what I want to do after graduating. I'll be one of them low-income, low-satisfaction, no-life type of worker. Who everyone thinks is better off dead - better than wasting the scarce resources we have. Oh I'm sorry, did I let my pessimism slip again? On a more fucking serious note, I don't think I'll be jumping straight into studies again, but neither do I really want to work. I've also decided that if I do continue my fucking studies it's gonna be overseas. Just so I can make up more shit for my life again. I'll probably just avoid working, so overseas is the more likely possibility right now. Getting ready for culture shock and more alone time.

I have about a hundred books, all begging me to read them, piled up in different corners of my room. Ranging from classic literature to poetry, modern literature to children's books, and manga to yaoi novels. I generally finish children stories first as it's less taxing on the brain. Psychology is shit for the brain. Well, a lot of it is. The books I'm currently reading are The Faerie Door (children's book), and Skin Game (story of self-mutilation). Like how they contrast each another. Every time I look at my books, I just feel like fucking university in its uptight ass so I can spend more time with them glorious stories. Maybe I should've just become a writer and smoke my lungs out.

Music has been accompanying me a lot lately. Feels like a bit more than usual. No matter, music is a most complex idea. It comforts, accompanies, and sometimes even talks to you, but you don't feel any warmth from it. No connectedness, no sense of belonging. And that's probably cause it's a one-way conversation - almost smart-alecky too. Though it seems to reflect your feelings very well, they don't actually share your feelings. The lyrics might or might not belong to the singer - heck, it mightn't even belong to the songwriter! The experience that is in the lyrics sometimes are of another's. A voice you never heard before. A face you can only imagine. A life that has crossed with yours, and yet you feel so alone. That's what I've been deriving from my music lately. Maybe I should start looking to death metal to better reflect my feelings. I'm quite sure all I'd hear would be painful sounding screams, but I guess that's a part of reflecting one's feelings too. Yeah, sure.

Sigh, I need better angry music. I have happy, calm, wistful, sad, and even dance music, but my angry music isn't angry enough.

Dear metal, I think this is not working out, I don't comprehend almost everything you scre- say.

I hear voices in my head telling I should kill myself and then everyone else. That was a joke, obviously. "You don't get my humour, turd." Pfft.

I wish I could escape in something. Music and books aren't just far enough. For no reason, the song's chorus below started playing in my head. I don't even have it in iTunes.

Before I move on to severe whiny-like, pitiful neuroticism, let me add a Tori Amos song for good measure.

Never get enough of her.

I also enjoy interpreting her lyrics in my very lovely biased way. Cruel was the first ever song I heard from her. Struck my heart immediately. One thing for sure, she was a far cry from the depressed emo-like bands I previously listened to.

Now let's get this neurotic shit going, shall we? Not like we have a choice (o fuck reality therapy and its choice and responsibility). The only thing I glean from it is that if your life is fucked up, then you are fucking it up, and you are sure fucked up if you don't get it fucking straight on your fucking own. They say shut your fucking mouth and cut your fucking complaints and just do it. See? I told you I felt like saying fuck more these days.

I love the weekends much more now. I wish every Thursday that we still had Fridays off. I'm just tired. I need to apologise to someone for being a lousy friend to her previously. She might be faking, but she seems so neutral about it. As though I didn't do anything wrong. If she felt how I feel now, I'm fucking sorry for making her feel this way. Karma is working its charm.

I think my disdain and disgust for humanity and all its self-righteous shit that was subdued in me is beginning to churn more angrily and consistently these days. Feel like smashing things a lot - it isn't just limited to inanimate objects either. I realise again and again that nothing has changed about me. I thought I was beginning to change, but no, I'm still fucked up as always. That guilt might be holding me back now from acting like before, as I realise that was all it was - an act. I haven't truly stopped hating almost every human I meet in some way, and probably will never. I think my problem (yes, my problem) is that I try to idealise people too much, and that's a recipe for disappointment. Or I could just be fucked up, yeah. What did you say about family and childhood factors being important, Adler? Sometimes, I wonder if my childhood was all that normal as I think it was, or like to believe anyways. But reality therapy says fuck your childhood, it's still your choice to be fucked up. O well.

Today, Thursday (June 9th), somebody asked me as I stood on that green bridge whether I was alright and that I shouldn't commit suicide. I don't know why he thought so. Maybe it was because I was playing with a tree's dead branch's ending; maybe because I was alone; maybe it was that I was staring silently at the spiked fence below; maybe I had my chin resting on the railing of the bridge and that I stood funny. But yeah, I turned to him with a fake smile plastered on my face and laughed a fake laugh and said "don't joke about it!" He smiled and continued on, with his friends. Even in that brief moment, I hated him. I hated his human-like inquisitiveness. I hated his joking face and expression, as though he knew me. What I hated most of all, was his insincerity. But who the fuck am I to talk about that, eh.

I feel ousted very easily. It feeds my obsession with going out in even numbers. But that thought is too simplistic. You don't need odd numbers to feel ousted. All you need, for instance, is different languages and a group of people who knows one language while another one or two of that group knows little or nothing of it. A true sad story of an acquaintance of mine born from interracial marriage. Unluckily, she did not pick up the main language of either two races, so when she mixes with this race of friends, she doesn't understand them, and when with the other, she doesn't fully understand what they're talking about either. But her English is well-developed. I understand her though. Who the fuck likes being the one asking for a possibly unnecessary translation all the time? If I truly wanted to not understand what the fuck people were saying, I'd go to Italy or something.

I'm actually trying to squash everything I've been feeling for the past weeks, months, decades into this final post. Not a very inviting sight eh? I don't think anyone could go through it from beginning to end without diverting to other places now and then. I don't think I could either. My own feelings overwhelm me a lot. They're an external force living inside me - my brain to be more specific. Is that paradoxical? Calling it an external force and all that. Hardy har har.

Life is tedious (o wow, captain obvious wants his super underwear back). No one shares your joy, and no one cares for your sorrow. They were right when they said it's a dog eat dog world. Everyone's a cannibal. Talking about cannibals, I've been enjoying the sight of unsightly vampires ripping out people's throats lately. Gore feeds my anger. I thought I was never one for gore, but I guess I guessed wrong. I should be writing this fucking treatment proposal for myself. Fuck irony.

Now when I close my eyes, I see a face of a tortured person; their features mimicking a scream of intense pain. Their eyes are rolling up in their head, and streaks of blood, sweat, and tears are artfully streaked across their skin. Their hair is tousled and dark with blood. Knives and guns of all kinds hover around, but it doesn't matter. The best part is that I never know whose face it belongs to. I'm going to have happy dreams.

It's time for some heartfelt poetry. *crowd cheers* Yes, I'm delusional too.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck

Chuck chuck chuck chuck

Suck suck suck suck

Muck muck muck

muck.

I'll leave you to figure that out on your own. *rubs palms together*

Love, you'd know the scattered bone

That spell casted has gone.

Return forth this wretched heat

and bleat not this cruel feat.

She screams enticingly inside

No one knows she's died.

When the pain gallops along

Tranqs sings its soothing song.

Just mental hell, dearies.

The blackbird screeches its greeting

The morning campaign has arrived

Dewdrops dried to the marrow

Few drops awakens this sorrow

Habits are the batteries

Masks the personality

Hair the costume; Silence the shield

Running hand in robotic movement

Fathoming thoughts is easy

Inquisitive questions abounds insincerity

Bearing the blow of ashes

Stiffening in my left-side brain

Gray roads, misty lives

None but thy self

Bingeing on life

Purging it back up

Then sleep

Bluebird says goodnight.

I lied about writing poetry. Never had the skill in the first place.

I just had to add one more Tori song. Her music makes me feel so... connected to my soul for those few precious minutes. And then its over. With me hoping to make that final leap.

Over and out,

Natarii

(when the hope has faded to nothingness, where do you go?)

I've been better.

2011-06-02T18:49:00.009+08:00

Well, this is my second last post, so don't mind if I push aside that treatment proposal, video report, and quiz for a while to chew on this post a bit more.

I would like to honour this post by giving a short review on Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. What it is about, basically, is how the author herself, as an 18-year old, spent about two years in a mental hospital because she was diagnosed with BPD. This was in the late sixties. So you can probably guess how awesome being mentally ill back then was (though it still is). What she shared was about the people she spent time there with, the activities (which isn't many, unsurprisingly), and her views. What I was particularly interested in was how she interpreted her diagnosis after getting out of the hospital many years later and having a look at it. Obviously, it was according to the DSM. Third edition. She states how the diagnosis instructions weren't "profound" enough, and that it was a highly generalised set of rules. With most sounding like how most adolescents are. She crticises the vague wording of the diagnosis. Like "social contrariness" or "pessimistic outlook". Example of social contrariness from back then would be like putting your elbows on the table, or not going to college. What really clicked with me however, was this:

(taken form the DSM)"The person often experiences this instability of self-image as chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom." My chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom came from the fact that I was living a life based on my incapacities , which were numerous. A partial list follows. I could not and did not want to: ski, play tennis, or go to gym class; attend to any subject in school other than English and biology; write papers on any assigned topics (I wrote poems instead of papers for English; I got F's); plan to go or apply to college; give any reasonable explanation for these refusals.

My self image was not unstable. I saw myself, quite correctly, as unfit for the educational and social systems.

But my parents and teachers did not share the my self-image. Their image of me was unstable, since it was out of kilter with reality and based on their needs and wishes. They did not put much value to my capacities, which were admittedly few, but genuine.

When I read those few passages, I felt that warm feeling of relatedness I seemed to be lacking these past weeks. She ended it beautifully too. It was a most honest book. Or well, so it seemed.

Next next next. Evanescence is suiting my mood impeccably well at the moment. I just realised their song Lithium is pertaining mostly to the bipolar/borderline disorder. More borderline I think. Lithium is what's given to people with mania. Or well, that's what I understood from class. A gist of a gist. Evanescence definitely qualifies as depressed-like music. Most self-derogatory and almost whiny. But it's what I am now. Ain't it?

Now to speak of my conscience. There were times back then where I placed a block on my conscience. I did it, though I knew it was wrong. I felt a prickle of guilt doing it, and I realised back then that I would hate it if that happened to me, and I hoped it wouldn't, at least not in university. I blocked out the guilt with faulty assumptions that heartlessness was just a term made up for the evil. Then karma hit me like a pile of bricks. It probably added in a sledgehammer and a few drills. I can make a guess. I can make a million guesses. But the fact is right now that this is my second last post here, and I only can see what's in front me: a replay of what I did to someone not too long ago - happening to me. It's probably worse because of my naivety. My conscience is attacking me now. Telling me I had it coming. That anything was possible, that I was not exempt, not special, not anything but caught in a miserably vicious cycle. It'll probably go on like this. You think I'm the unstable one, don't you? *smiles*

This also adds to my perspective on cruelty and evilness. I've always loved to imagine the black and white of evilness. That when you're good, you're good. That when you're evil, you may act good (to survive in this oh-so-good society), but ultimately you relish in your evilness and would mostly accept being evil. I am contradicting my own belief in some ways though, when I admire good values, but love them even more in evil guys. When I say evil guys, I mean real twisted ones with only a hint of humanity. The gray of it, basically. It's actually complexing to think of it, as I like black and white, but am in love with the gray as well. Stupid brain makes the mind. Anyhow, I just want to further enforce the a point that possibly has been made a million times before - everyone has the potential in them to be cruel and evil. Not one is exempt. Even God was being cruel when he created us and left us with this disorganised mind and flurry of physical drives. That's one thing I could never really come to terms with (when speaking of God), that he was cruel enough to actually create humans in the first place. I think it's cruel to leave, without at least departing with told reasons, and a hint of self-awareness.

Also watched A Beautiful Mind today. Want to whack myself for not watching it sooner. Don't feed the appetite of the mind. That concept is too fucking beautiful. I don't think I've strength enough to talk in length about it though. Just that it was an excellent rendition of a schizophrenic's life. (Excellent being ideal.)

Y'know Wey, I really do appreciate our friendship. Though it makes me feel like a sappy ass to admit it.

Cheers to this second-last post. I need to close down this city. It began a zombie, and will die a zombie. Tell yourself that's life - lying to themselves is what humans are only ever good at anyways.

Natarii

Filthy Fingers

2011-06-01T15:29:00.008+08:00

Y'know what I think, I think that no one really gets my sardonic sense of humour. Empty spaces is what's left here. It somehow seems my sense of humour is of a different wavelength recently. An instance, is not "life is beautiful - it's why we poke sporks into our eyes to stay awake" funny? Is it too eloquent for optimistic individuals of single mindsets to appreciate? Is it too meagre for the truly sadistic people? Not that I'm blowing my horn, but in the spirit of neither humbling nor exalting myself, that is a pretty funny line. Yeah, I must add that I also hate my need for social support. It completely goes against my ideals of being completely and entirely free and detached from everything and everyone. Chris McCandless managed to venture out into the wild, but he seemed to need social support of sorts too, what with his stays with other humans throughout his journey. I envy him. That's all I will ever do, be envious. This is the nature of my reality. Or is this the reality of my nature? Misanthrope. Haven't used that word in a long while, but my blood still boils. I guess I can't stop being one in the long run after all. I'm a bundle of contradictions. I'm painfully aware of that. The thing is, what do you actually do when you're aware of it? What do you actually do when you're also aware of how goddamned stubborn you are? God if I get some retarded, overly optimistic answer to that I'll fuck my own eyes. Yes, fucking eyes. (Y'know, I only say that because I know people won't answer me and that they'd probably just keep it to themselves anyways.)

I tell myself the same thing every day. Wednesdays are days where you feel a prickle of self-consciousness. Every other day is null. Or numb. I think it's time to end this addiction. What addiction? God knows, I haven't chosen which one yet.

Just tell me I'm not funny.

My Boy Builds Coffins

2011-05-30T21:23:00.002+08:00

He's made one for himself, and one for me too.

I don't know why, but I find that notion rather romantic. It's almost like embracing love and death both at once. A beautiful idea. Okay, maybe that's been done before in terms of falling in love with sentient vampires. But I guess this coffin thing is a bit more realistic and do-able.

Wanna know the effect of sleeping around 2.30 AM when you have to get up at 6.30am the next (or well, on the same day itself)? Conking out on the couch for a solid 2 hours+ after returning from uni. How unfun.

My hair needs a wash. It's feeling drier than ever due to all that powder. But I'm an old woman, so well. Not to mention demente-- I mean suffering from dementia.

Sigh. I'm reaching 400 soon. Not too happy with super short, near-meaningless posts hanging around near the end. ASSIGNMENTS! Now I'll forever remember that I was a worry-wart even back in university. Look, meaningfulness.

"Happiness hit her, like a train on a track." That probably isn't going to happen to me though. Replace 'happiness' with 'despair' or 'depression' and you'd get a more accurate version of my life. Dog days have just arrived; sorry to burst your bubble, Florence.

The smell of blood can actually be quite stimulating. Just a thought.

Gosh, I can't procrastinate any longer. Too much damn work to finish.

Natarii

At Either End.

2011-05-29T22:00:00.000+08:00

I had an epiphany. Or perhaps just self-revelation.

I am the type that, in some or perhaps most matters, would like to be stuck at either extreme end.

Example, I rather be loved/hated by all than be heard of by people but neither really loved/hated by any. To clarify this example, take a girl being known by certain people, and clearly not hated by them, perhaps even liked a little, and yet she never gets any invitations to build up the interpersonal relationships. When she tries, and people accept/reject, it seems like a one-time thing that is almost meaningless in its doing.

Oh hell, let's just say it's a person with acquaintances and no best friend(s). The person isn't at either end, and it's rather lonely in the middle (though, ironically, there are plenty of people in the middle). It's hard to explain what it means to be in the middle in terms of interpersonal relationships. Also, these explanations doesn't necessarily come from my experience.

Another example, I hate my goddamned t-shirt & jeans look. I only ever feel happy when I'm dressed to the nines or like a ruffian. It might even be the out of place type of dressing.

It must be at either extreme. I think it's to do with recognition of existence. If I'm at either end, then I'll be thoroughly acknowledged, recognised. Be it accepted or not. Be it good or bad.

I really am rather black and white. Gray was never a favourite of mine in the beginning. Though I usually wondered why it wasn't, as gray represents dust, and dust is also a connotation for death. I guess I know why now.

Y'know, this probably relates to my possessive nature and greediness. I don't share things I value a lot. No, I do if I really have to, but I don't like it. And that dislike nags me at the back of my head. See? An extreme.

I think there might be a strong positive correlation between wanting to be at either extreme ends and attention-seeking. Just saying.

God, I don't even know why I like extreme ends, I'm not even a middle child.

Should just fucking sit on that pirate ship without the belt on. Just saying.

Natarii

Sleep With One Eye Open.

2011-05-29T13:54:00.002+08:00

I said hey. And again, Florence + The Machine is absorbing me.

Here are the lyrics which I love. Love.

She told me not to step on the cracks

I told her not to fuss and relax

Well, her pretty little face stopped me in my tracks

But now she sleeps with one eye open

That's the price she'll pay

I took a knife and cut out her eye

I took it home and watched it wither and die

Well, she's lucky that I didn't slip her a smile

That's why she sleeps with one eye open

That's the price she'll pay

I said, hey, girl with one eye

Get your filthy fingers out of my pie

I said, hey, girl with one eye

I'll cut your little heart out cause you made me cry

I slipped my hand under her skirt

I said don't worry, it's not gonna hurt

Oh, my reputation's kinda clouded with dirt

That's why you sleep with one eye open

That's the price you paid

I said, hey, girl with one eye

Get your filthy fingers out of my pie

I said, hey, girl with one eye

I'll cut your little heart out cause you made me cry

You made me cry

I said, hey, girl with one eye

Get your filthy fingers out of my pie

I said, hey, girl with one eye

Get your filthy fingers out my pie

I said, hey, girl with one eye

Get your filthy fingers out of my pie

I said, hey, girl with one eye

I'll cut your little heart out cause you made me cry

Gotta love this woman. She sounds so intense - my type of singer.

Found this song whilst surfing around Monoral tracks. I'm in love with their music, and I sort of understand and don't understand why they're not crazy popular. But they should be better known. Probably overshadowed by other bands/singers like Hyde, DEG etc. Sad, but I'm not really complaining. Heh. Just hope they don't stop.

I think I'll dedicate this post to more Florence + The Machine songs. Shared Blinding some posts ago, so here is...

Oh yeah, bring it. The melancholic breathlessness (does that even make sense) is so intense. Just intense.

I want a boy who builds coffins for the rich and the poor. Soulful voice.

And again and again and again and again...

Her intensity suits the melodies her songs have. The beat is very addictive and head-bopping-inducing.

That was the last one, I promise. Love the part when they use the sticks to tap.

Nevertheless, Florence hasn't topped Tori Amos, and probably will never for me.

Natarii

Blackbird, Bluebird.

2011-05-27T03:33:00.002+08:00

I have the urge to listen to ol' bluebird. The recitation I heard from Wey's tumblr. The voice was so melancholic and almost longing-like. Charles Bukowski.

Derogatory terms. Stop the exposure, and it'd be all right.

First blackbird, and now bluebird. Nice combo though. Black and blue birds.

I thoroughly enjoy how those two sort of contradict one another.

One's asking you to soar, and one's keeping you locked inside, suffocating.

Shit, I drown in weird stuff like this. It just makes me all melancholic, wistful, wishful, and woeful. (Hell yeah alliteration, assonance, and consonance - nuncle'd be proud).

I miss Grass, a lot.

It's annoying that it hurts to miss grass so much.

This post was written bit by bit as I struggled to finish up the last bit of crappy essay that was my assignment.

One's by the Beatles, the other's by Bukowski. He's also called Charles. I like name Charles and Charlie. It sounds especially nice in a deep, sinister Britsh accent.

Chilly in here these days.

O look, a bluebird.

Natarii

Simplified longings.

2011-05-26T11:11:00.001+08:00

Here I lie, in my blood-red bed, wishing I was dead.

Here I cry, alone in my head, lonely in my own world.

Here I sigh, teeth a-clenched, razor in hand.

Here I die, with nothing but hate, turning me to ashes.

Withering.

The leaves are faltering.

The branches a-creaking.

The trunk a-bending.

The roots are weakening.

Falling.

I don't wonder why people are suicidal. It makes so much sense it's almost unbelievable. Y'know, I might actually like to meet a suicide bomber one day. Probably'd be love at first sight, if lust didn't get in the way first.

Your face.

A flaccid one.

A filthy one.

A humourless one. Yet.

A socially accepted one.

I should be a failed artist. At least I'd have the word artist beside my pre-existing failure.

Hate. Strong, lasting, fiery, anger. Fuck. Crude, true, loud, harsh. Pain. Constant, given, taken, ignored.

True cruelty comes from humans. Animals aren't even remotely capable of it.

Seriously, I should give up now and take after somebody's rather unhealthy example. Seems like it did that person 'good'. Became a magnet for shit. Still, they treat me better, somewhat.

But seriously (again with the seriousness. Yes, you've guessed it, I don't lighten up), I can relate to why BPD patients cut themselves to fill the void inside them. People who don't understand are on a different wavelength after all. I probably am not a full-blown BPD, but people are helping me work my way there.

Acting so goddamned fucking innocent.

Sensed it in you all along.

So go on, sing a fucking song.

And we'll pretend we all get along.

Hey look, emo, angsty songwriting material. It'd be much critiqued for being absolutely too brash and straightforward. And shallow. And hello Linkin Park.

(This is scheduled to be released. Not that you'd give a fuck.)

Crude, they needed another rude.

The hope is dead. Goodbye secure days. Goodbye. Goodbye.

One Way Out

2011-05-25T20:18:00.007+08:00

My head's all busted up. My eyes're burning. My face's all red.

I might be coming down with a fever, and who would care but the sufferer themselves?

Everything is too personal. I can't write about it cause it's too personal. Too absurd. Too destructive. But I always knew 3 had bad connotations to it. Examples: love triangles, bad luck in waves of 3, and there is no such thing as 3 heads are better than 1, but there is a saying that too many cooks spoil the broth.

Timothy Olyphant is devilishly hot. I neither know how old he is nor do I car if he's married, but damn he's a fine piece of ass. I always thought people who had many lines on their faces when they smiled/smirked were rather unsightly, but he rocks it.

Just look at all them bloody wrinkly lines. He makes them look charming.

He has a weird hairline too.

Some might say perverted looking, but he reminds me more of the devil.

And heck, he looks damn good bald. A huge plus on my list.

Grays, eh. No matter.

It's not just his muscular, unflappable body that is hot okay.

I don't think many would be able to appreciate his looks though. It's not generic enough, or at least, I don't think so.

What might have been a rather personal, depressive post turned into an impersonal, fangirl post. O well. Better this way, I guess.

Natarii

Another end.

2011-05-23T17:18:00.005+08:00

I've decided. In another 8 posts or so, I'm leaving this blog as a memory of what eh, Wey and I supposedly shared. Real one-sided, that. There was more neurotic sludge from me than rash littering from her. Oh well.

I guess I'll end this with an even number. 400. I would force Wey to do the 400th post of course. Eheh.

This end doesn't mark the end of my neuroticism or decadence though. Oh no. Barely.

I don't really have a point to my posts most of the time. Just moments, usually materialistic and transient, noted down, and forgotten.

One day, I might read everything I once wrote here. I might not. I might laugh at myself. I might admire myself. I know I'll probably remember the more positive emotions I felt while writing some of the past posts though, and that's probably the point, to realise that one can feel something other than pain and despair from life.

Nonetheless, overall, life still sucks.

I need new UFs. God knows I've blown it again somehow.

Natarii

I hate life. Cheers.

2011-05-22T21:36:00.004+08:00

Imma drown in this guilt of mine right now. Watched 3 movies over the course of Saturday-Sunday. Zombieland, Toy Story 3, and Harry Potter 7 Part 1. The grave I dug looks so preety. And I'm digging further by doing this.

O, I just realised this. I feel somewhat su-pe-shi-a-lu (special). HAHA. In terms of pictures of fb, my 19th birthday was noted by Alyssa, my 20th was by Nadya, and my 21st was documented by Aki/Ying. Gee. So touched, HAHAHAH. Also guilty of not being reciprocative enough and doing the same for them. I'm a holible friend. Horrible.

When will the birds stop twittering in my head?

Natarii

Blackbird~ Fly.

2011-05-22T16:22:00.003+08:00

*A beautiful guitar melody preludes*

Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

Take these broken wings and learn to fly, mm.

All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see, mm.

All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird~ fly. Blackbird~ fly.

Into the light of the dark black night.

Sounds kind of like I was only waiting for death to arrive. I twist things in my head like no other.

Natarii

In the name of Retail Therapy.

2011-05-19T09:34:00.003+08:00

Tuesday and Wednesday were crazy shopping days. After undergoing retail therapy, I probably now suffer some of its side effects.

On Tuesday, also Wesak day, I went out with my family to visit two temples and also to get a new laptop adaptor as mine had fused just the night before. So after temple visiting, we went to Empire Building, and the Apple shop there isn't really a shop, but more of a section in a shop. So of course, my dad first wanted a third-party adapter or 'fake' one. Paid 180 ringgit for it, but when I was checking it out, the plug couldn't fit properly with adaptor, so I returned it, and asked for an original one instead - paid an extra 139 ringgit for that. Then, again, as I was opening the box and checking everything out, I realised that there was a cut on the main wire. A freaking cut. So we returned everything and voided all transactions. Geez. They only had these two adaptors.

Soo, we decided to head to Pavilion. Went straight up and to Epicentre (a subtle way of saying 'Epic Centre'), where it specialised in Apple products. Immediately confirmed the state of my adaptor and also explained why I'd need a new battery. My dad actually was the one who asked for a new battery, and I was slightly reluctant cause I didn't think my battery was actually as warped as they said it was. All in all, both these products costed RM888. The battery was bloody expensive. Crazy expensive.

Here comes the part where I go crazy shopping for all my wants. We stopped by at Camel Active because it seemed they were having sales and the shoes (god, I feel like a girly girl when I say this) looked lovely. Males shoes of course HAHA. Since I'd already bought a pair of Kickers earlier on, I was sure my parents wouldn't let me get another pair, but they DID. HAHAHAHHA. I bought black Commando shoes which look so man HAHAHA. My mum said as I was trying it out: "even if you have shoes like these you must walk lady-like" HAHA What's lady-like? Eheh. Anyhow, I walked out of Pavilion a very guilty, but satisfied shopper.

And Wednesday came. I drove all the way to SS2 with a near empty petrol tank because the needle was acting a bit crazy and made me initially think that I'd more than half a tank of petrol. Brr. Anyhow, got there safely and was treated to chao kuey teow. It was delicious in the beginning, but the the oil began getting to me. After that oily stomach-opener, I drove us to 1Utama, a place I rarely frequented past my high school days. We went straight to the cinema to pick up tickets to watch Paul and Something Boring. Oh, I mean Something Borrowed. Haha, Wey was in the mood for something predictably sappy.

PAUL is one of my favourites right now. It's a movie I wouldn't mind watching in cinemas again. I now also know why it's rated 18. Every single character in there swears their head off. Something Borrowed... I ain't gonna give further comment on it. Also, the cinema seats there are bloody uncomfortable - I rather watch in the Curve than 1U.

What we did in between movies were window shopping, and actual shopping. Wey is sad, for she couldn't find the long skirt she first saw in Cotton On anymore. Anyhow, since I was still owing her a birthday present from last year (it's been half a year, gee), I was determined to buy her something she liked and at the same time squash one of her Jiminy Crickets (yes, I've concluded that you have many of 'em inside you). O I so immoral. HAH. Bought her lovely, somewhat conservative/somewhat fierce high-heeled clog-like shoes. Gee I don't know how to describe them. Mind posting a picture of it, Wey? Yes, I'm showing off. OH, and talking about birthday presents, I just got mine from her XD It's a huge book of T. S. Eliot's The Waste Land: A Facsimile and Transcript of the Original Drafts Including the Annotations of Ezra Pound (real mouthful, I know). And Tim Burton's The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy and Other Stories (YAY). Gosh, I love them. I love books. It's crazy how one can love books so much.

We ate at Nando's and Dave's Deli for lunch and dinner. We bought many many thingss. So much for being broke. We even stopped by a pirated dvd seller shop in SS2 and bought more movies. Initially went there to look for Narnia: The Dawn Treader because my family wanted to watch it, but it wasn't in stock. Sad, so instead, I bought a 8 in 1, all vampire/bloody/horror/gore movies. No Twilight - it ain't considered as vampiric even in the least. One of the movies included is The Human Centipede. My stomach actually turns when I think of this movie, and I feel slightly reluctant to watch it. Sick.

Parking costed a fucking RM 9. Wthell. That's what you get when you stay from 10-something to 7-something. Sigh. The atrocities of driving. When I drove home, it was a-drizzling the whole way. Quite annoying really, cause my vision was constantly either clear or blurred. So much uncertainty.

Time to do work, shit. Where'd my holidays go?

Natarii

P/S: I really was focused on the retail part of our outing this time eh. Well, of course, as usual, much conversation went on between us. It's so fun receiving social and emotional support from you Wey. Of course I have to use terms like those to describe it, haha. Get well soon so you will have enough oomph left in you to deliver two equally distributed, probably painful, well-deserved slaps *wink*. Haha it's strange, but I felt a humongous relief (or something similar to that) even though it was done just in saying. Made me feel like I was less at fault I guess. You can see how badly it's affected me since it's the most prominent thing I remember from our conversations *laughs*.

Gosh, everything's so ironic, nothing less than moronic. OOH IT RHYMES. Geh. All these sappy, predictable shows, where I think, "just fucking do it" (no, not intercourse, but confessions of sorts) is sort of like a projection on my side unto the characters that are acting out their scripts. I wonder if these are the only bits that are meaningful in a movie. The bits where emotional outbursts happen, or confessions or confrontations are invested in, where it all matters.

Btw, Beatles' Blackbird is bloody excellent.

Heavy In Your Arms

2011-05-15T18:32:00.003+08:00

Florence + The Machine is growing on me faster than vines twirling around a lamppost. Okay, so not extremely fast, but her songs keep getting stuck in my head and I start humming it or singing off-key every time it happens.

Gonna be a non-holiday week. Besides the term paper and report that I haven't begun researching for, I'll be out more often than usual - which basically means exhausting my mind and body. I characterise a holiday as days where you enjoy yourself at home alone, or to go overseas with a non-work destination in mind.

Can't wait to hang out though.

Went for a workshop yesterday again. To be honest, it was mostly tedious. Though he exposed us to some interesting ideas and had a deliciously deep and soothing-to-listen-to voice (+UK accent), it was a bit drawly here and there. It felt a bit disorganised too - just a bit. And the place was mostly silent. Only a handful made any actual responses to his queries. Ooh, I must tell you this: Whatcha get when you combine a microwave with a car? A Micarwave. HEH. Came up with the name meself. Okay, so not so catchy or smart, but it was a spur of the moment thing that I didn't think much about.

Y'know, twas reflecting just a bit on this. When I had black hair (gee sounds like I'm gonna be blue forever) and dressed in non-attention-grabbing clothes, and if I caught glances or leers from people, I'd feel so self-conscious and try to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. Isn't it ironic that I've blue hair now? Well, I've an explanation for that, I think. It's sort of simple really. It seems like I care about outer appearances more than I thought I would unconsciously. Since I have blue hair, which isn't common in this society, I'd accepted the fact that glances and stares are literally a given. Thus, since I expect it, I don't feel discomfort or self-conscious about it. It was the same back then, if I think about it, when I dressed in spikes and chains and coloured hair spray. My outfit empowered me, or should I say shielded me, from interpreting looks from people as judging my natural appearance, but rather what I'd put on myself. In a sense, my purpose of dressing up and getting blue hair wasn't to attract attention to myself, but rather direct attention away from myself in a rather weird way. I become more defiant when I dress up.

I wonder if this qualifies me as an absurd attention-seeker.

Gotta love how my eyes are pinpricks in the darkness.

Also, ted.com is interesting. I only hope I can maintain a long-term interest in it.

Sometimes (sometimes), I wonder why I'm not more knowledge-seeking. Laziness sometimes just don't cut it. Heard a quote yesterday that went something like this: man would rather face death or torture than having to think. I actually think helplessness instead plays more of role in people not wanting to think. Take for instance, people actually facing torture - you see some who think of ways to get out of it, and some that don't. But does that definitely mean they would rather face torture than think? Could it be helplessness instead that interfered with their thought processes? Okay, so I'm taking the quote a bit literally. Maybe it means that people would rather do nothing and rot away than think of anything productive or beneficial for their lives and of others. Or maybe it illustrates the situation in the Milgram experiment. Oh well, I guess that quote stuck more than I thought it would.

Yeah, back from digressing, I've never experienced a great hunger for knowledge - I wonder if it stemmed from being a more oblivious, ignorant young child as compared to others and never being seriously chided for it. I'm naturally uninterested in many affairs and aspects of the world - like so many others. I feel a sort of helplessness when I see the vast expansion of knowledge available at the tap my fingertips. Another excuse for my disinterest is that I'm not good at storing factual or most informational knowledge. More often than not, they come out rather distorted. Dysthymia might be doing that (yay more excuses). In the end, when I ever have a desire for knowledge, it is only short-term, and soon I drop back to my base line of being empty and forgetful.

Such is life, so unlike yours, Grass.

Natarii

Short Stuff

2011-05-12T19:36:00.000+08:00

Red rain pours down on us

Smelling of trees, roads,

and dust.

Snippets of a life lorn

Shrewd, wary and worn.

Hither the pain comes

Crazed by my summons.

Dreary days by summer

Executed slowly, to simmer.

Red lines appear across my cheek

I say this not in cheek.

The horse whinnies its sadness,

A pity for its master's madness.

Bathtubs, so white and shiny,

it made guns, its honey.

Side note: I realise I revel in double-meaning words and alliteration. Not that I excel, just revel.

Natarii

Revenge.

2011-05-11T19:30:00.002+08:00

Though I've heard it a hundred times, it still won't go away. This disgusted, hateful feeling. Out of control. Why is there no revenge? No justice?

So what if I'm not supposed to let it ruin my life? Being the misanthrope I aspire to be, I sure would be glad to dish out some shit to that person. Hey, if it dies painfully real slowly and real obviously I'd be bounding for joy and lack of words to express the exhilaration of it happening.

Let go of getting revenge? Pfft.

Natarii

Seeing Red

2011-05-10T17:14:00.004+08:00

Surprisingly, I quite enjoy having red nails. It reminds me of something we all live by. Then again, it possibly simply reminds me of all the skinny sluts I see wearing it. Skinny unheeded. It's highly likely my mental health is spiraling below right now. I understand the signs, and the thoughts - oh you don't want to know my thoughts - the nausea. Wonder where it all began? Like I quoted from Perks of Being A Wallflower, I don't want to think about it; I just want it all to stop spinning. Y'know, I bet the spinning is all in my head, and that what I perceive is a reaction to my actions, instead of an action to my actions. Nonetheless, it's a pretty fucked up reaction. (There is a therapeutic essence in using the word fuck.) It's as though I didn't come with warning stamp. Loud and clear, I did. Maybe it needs to be painted redder, brighter. Perhaps a bright yellow-orange-red would make it clear. Then again, unreasonable me, how do you expect people to react to your actions? Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I DID it. Not being lame or trying to be funny here. It is just so. My left fingernails look fakely happy right now. Need to redo them when I get the mood. It's my birthday today, or so it is according to the Chinese calendar. Who says birthdays only come once a year? Reading I Was A Foster Kid makes me hate people. Anyhow, the point here is that my nails look happy red.

Synapse slipping through the hidden door.

Natarii

Blurry

2011-05-09T15:38:00.006+08:00

I just had to steal this quote that I related to so strongly:

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

Stephen Chbosky,The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I am changing again. Like a snake slipping out of its skin.

Or maybe not. Perhaps I'm just returning to the rusted cage I escaped from to contract Tetanus.

Natarii

Reaching an end.

2011-05-08T19:21:00.002+08:00

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a rifle and fires at the man - missing him by inches. The man says 'thank you' and leaves a tip on the counter before exiting. Why did the man say 'thank you' and leave a tip?

*hic*

Anyhow, just something I heard on TV.

I'm going to become a hothead what with this sort of weather going on. That line just inspired a 'joke': What are people from hot countries famous for? "Being hotheaded."

I need to smash my head with something heavy and blunt now, s'cuse me.

There're about 2 and half more semesters + thesis + internship to get through before I can graduate. I'm literally crying to graduate. Can't stand Sunway and its Department of Psychology any more. Everything has literally lost its lustre, or perhaps it's just me. I am submerged in unrealistic notions and fantasize about disappearing or just being somewhere else as soon as my eyes land on anything remotely related to Sunway and psychology.

My life has no meaning or value only because I deem it so.

Well, I also don't see the point of glorifying a life that has no merits. So how would one go about accumulating merits in life? Helping others? Being all good and dandy? Inventing something to save the world? What I see as a merit, sadly, aren't things like those. But, I don't know what I call a merit either. It just feels like I'll know it when I see/feel it. If I say I see killing people as a merit, and justify it, majority will probably counter my justifications with their own views of what merits are/should be. In plain words, everything is subjected to personal interpretation, so while I might say I have no merits, others might say I do.

So since I'm oh-so-responsible for my views on my life, you can say that everything shitty that is or has happened to me is entirely my fault. That I made my life meaningless and invaluable. That everything that could have been enjoyable in life was made unenjoyable because I felt that it was that way.

They say most victims push much of the blame on themselves, and that it isn't a productive action, or psychologically healthy. Then again, it isn't psychologically healthy to blame everyone else for everything too.

Sometimes, I think a mood moderator should be installed in me - mine might be broken. Probably... Definitely.

Haha, I shall delude myself and tell myself I know what I need. I need an emotionally available robot. Yeap, that's what I need.

Slimy

Through the dirt and grime, we committed many a crime.

Red string bonded us kids, tighter than most solids.

Sunlight came along, singing its pitchy song.

It could've had anyone it chose, but it took what I held close.

Because I loosened my grip, the slime was enough to let me slip.

...

Closure is for the people who have resolved their issues.

Natarii

P/S: I still think it's hilarious that Rachel thought May 7th was my birthday.

No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden.

2011-05-06T09:01:00.004+08:00

So in love with the wrong world.

I feel a sort of indifferent, calmish feeling inside me. Damned it if it's complacency, but I think it's not.

I wish music could heal everything in me. Sometimes, I wish I really had childhood amnesia. But perhaps I'd still be the same if I had it - the only difference would be not knowing why the hell I am so. Still, it'd be nice to not look back into my childhood and see shit like that.

Borrowed a book called The Abused Child, and I feel strangely comforted, though disgusted, when reading certain cases. I guess as much as you wouldn't want shit like that happening to others, it still feels comforting to know that others have been through surprisingly similar shit like you.

I'd probably be featured in that book if it went on.

Natarii

2011-05-04T22:52:00.002+08:00

I find it hard to accept that some things are taken away from me - not because I took it for granted or didn't appreciate it, but that in the end, those things just couldn't stick to me. It's silly that I feel this way when I was aware of this thing's instability. I guess some things just don't work in the long run. I'm actually aware of this need of mine, of the heightened elation I feel when the need is temporarily fulfilled. A fleeting high, and then a longer low. These lows make me feel that life is seriously just not worth living in this state, and that highs or indifference just don't come so easily. A reality so depressing that I'd kill for a high. Sometimes, I strongly believe I should be on drugs, alcohol, and on the way I'd develop an eating disorder. If I was not in this family, I'd probably already be doing it. If I live another 10 years, it's likely I will. In another 15 years, I'd probably be rotting away in some forlorn clinic - skin wrinkled, eyes blood-shot, hands a-shivering, and nerves showing all over. Isn't that all life is? You're either pretty with a shining personality or ugly with a deadbeat attitude. There's no in-between, and if you claim to be, you're probably just nobody or nothing special, for we are all unique - just like everyone else.

I want to get involved in parkour, but that's just one of my many unrealistic wants and desires from a life that's probably already too dead to revive. By god, damnit, I hate you.

Natarii

21st - much ado about nothing.

2011-05-02T22:44:00.002+08:00

Y'know, most people make a huge fuss about turning 21. And I hear many partying all night long and liquoring away. Others may do something on a smaller scale with a group of friends.

I instead attend a funeral.

Don't think it's something I take pride in doing, but it still stirs in me almost contradictory feelings.

I'm not going to elaborate on the funeral though. Ain't really my business to do so. I was there, and that's all that matters for some, I guess.

The afternoon was spent with me snoozing, drifting in and out of a dreamy state while my father and brother mowed the lawn. (Feel guilty for not feeling guilty.) I had a slight headache from all the heat. I hate the heat. Makes one feel so beat. Went to some so-called fancy vegetarian restaurant for dinner with family. The food and drink sucked in my opinion, and was expensive.

Brother got me a large packet of Maltesers and a birthday card. I might have rolled on them once as he left it beside me while I was asleep, but they're both in good condition! Well, not the Maltesers as it's been ripped open by me. Haha.

I now await the end of May, for I'm eagerly anticipating getting all that assignment shit done. Plus, outing! Wey, the paint thing still on? XD Though I know you've something awesome waiting for me, eheh.

I need more spontaneity in life, ironically...

Well, I just do.

Natarii

That's life, again.

2011-05-01T16:45:00.002+08:00

I never thought I'd be attending a funeral on my birthday, but I am. Hope aunty passed on peacefully.

On a lighter, brighter note, went for lunch with some rabid donkeys on Saturday afternoon. I got M&S goodies from Alyssa (shortbread - yum yum yum) and a collection of 5 Mark Twain novels in one from Nadya and Ian (it's a beautiful red hardcover with gold linings and pages!) Preety book. We stuffed ourselves with Nandos and Tutti Frutti, eheh. Ian the wasteful donkey wasted lots of food - part of a chicken, potatoes, and about half of his frozen yogurt. They also tied a floating aeroplane to the behind of my belt. I looked hilarious - like a clown. For I had blue hair, a bright purple shirt which I'd cut up, black jeans, brown shoes, and an aeroplane trailing behind me =.=

I need to start studying for that quiz and start finishing my 3 lovely reports/term papers.

Life, work, death.

Natarii

Contradictory

2011-04-28T22:45:00.003+08:00

Huge discrepancies. Too wide to be filled. I don't feel like explaining myself. Sigh. I don't really see what's so irrational about killing yourself. Never did, really. It's perfectly rational and justified if you ask me. The killing yourself part is, but perhaps sometimes the reason for doing it isn't - leading to people generalising it as irrational and/or cowardly. Still, these few cases shouldn't make suicide irrational. Isn't it completely logical to want to rid the world of yourself if you have excessive feelings of self-hate and worthlessness? Why is it not reasonable to want to eliminate yourself if you don't love yourself? I haven't heard a good answer for questions like these yet. A satisfactory answer. There probably isn't any. Though I do find suicide for honour a bit shaky in its reasoning, it's a case-by-case basis.

The night only brings covered-up dreams and a dark, cloudy sky.

5 weeks.

2011-04-27T16:01:00.002+08:00

It's been about 5 weeks since I dyed my hair blue. It's turning slightly green near the roots. Good progress, aye.

Looks like I'll have blue hair on my birthday - yay.

Actually, this post wasn't to have anything to do with my hair or other unimportant facts. I break ice. It's fun to see them shatter almost like glass - just without the proper cutting abilities peculiar to shards of broken glass.

It's not good to internalise negative thoughts and events. Pity it's so hard to find an outlet around here - they go in, and never come back out.

Positive thoughts eh. Maybe when everyone is dead and gone, there will be some of that. (Perhaps just one is enough.)

I'm thinking of creating a new place for more crap of a similar nature. Only because it'd make editing easier - plus, Wey ain't blogging anymore. Might keep the link name, might not. Kind of fond of the name for very good reasons.

See if ever get around to it. Editing templates ain't my forte. I barely possess the skill.

I wash my hair twice a week. Bloody insane.

I wish my whole Sunway studying experience would just end quick.

It's goddamned fucking obvious, isn't it.

Oh s'cuse me, a negative thought gave me a slip there.

I was right to hesitate in joining Sunway Psychology. Sigh. I need to learn to better deal with all the shit around me. So ironic that I'm taking a counselling subject this semester.

The lecturers are crappier than a bowl of crap this semester, but that's becoming a boring topic, ain't it?

Stale. Everything's going stale. I can see green and gray growing everywhere.

Negative thoughts waterfall.

I lose the enthusiasm to even try nowadays. When both hands don't clap, where do they flap?

Natarii

Death Visits

2011-04-24T23:35:00.002+08:00

Somehow, it is pointless. University is pointless. My work is pointless. People are pointless. So what if people remember you for some shit or another? It's pointless.

Baba has gone back to wherever he came from. As in, his physical body has died.

It's also Easter.

I see the irony of sorts.

6 billion people eh. Death needs to schedule a visit soon.

Natarii

Just love, for a mind

2011-04-23T12:31:00.003+08:00

I'm not who I want to be, and I don't think I'm making the steps or choices towards my ideal being.

Smooth-talking, fluent, gregarious, and sharp. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Something to do with depth perception, that. I crack myself up. Y'know, it's alright if this this this this this this this, but I need to start moving around. Suffocation isn't as fun as it sounds.

I love how people talk to grass all prim and proper or behind a line-like. Makes me go crazy with joy if you ask me why. But if you ask me why, I don't know. My neurons must have been frayed and reconnected wrongly. Probably why I'm spacing out more these days. Spacing out.

This reflects my thoughts exactly, and it is fit that it comes from a child's mouth, for it is a child's ideal of sorts,

"I had hardly any patience with the serious work of life which, now that it stood between me and my desire, seemed to me child's play, ugly monotonous child's play."

I much prefer dwelling upon books like the Dubliners over reading poorly written yaoi.

Natarii

P/S: That previous two-liner post is gone. If you saw it, ignore it. If you didn't, all is well. Just neurotic shit.

A Pirate's Life is The Life

2011-04-19T22:45:00.002+08:00

A gay pirate's life is the sweeter one to live. This song is awesome to move to, and the lyrics are beautiful. *trills with pleasure*

I'm melting from the sweetness of the song.

Natarii

Weekend Wishes

2011-04-17T16:51:00.004+08:00

I wish I had longer weekends. The workshop yesterday simply drained my strength. Nonetheless, I completely enjoyed the workshop and only hope I'm able to apply what J.L so diligently taught us. Fond of that man, I am. Seeing him again was a fluke, and I don't regret how the day was spent. I guess I just love seeing a teacher of sorts being so enthusiastic about what they are trying to teach - it just increases my interest in whatever they're teaching. Well, he either was truly enthusiastic about it or was very good at acting. Anyhow, I'm satisfied.

As much as I enjoy the subject of abnormal psychology, I don't think I can bear making a career of it. Heck, I mighn't even want a job. Maybe I should start training myself to survive on breadcrumbs. Freaking useless needy body.

I wonder how fast I'd die if I went into the wild. I'm lucky if I get three days I suppose. If death and disease were to stop dating, suffering would probably be playing doubles. Personification has always been fun to use.

Wonder wonder wonder. Pondering the intricacies of life is a brain-shutter, emotion-stirrer, and mental strain. Is there a formula to predict every single human behaviour? Is there a magic ball that can inform of the whys of human life? Is there a true reason or purpose for living as a human? Let's imagine a world without humans. In my ideal imagination, only vegetation would exist - with not a sign of animals, insects, or carnivorous plants. A green oasis. Or as we see from space, a true green and blue earth. What have humans really done for anything but for themselves? Even helping preserve nature was simply for our own benefit or pleasure.

Gee, I think I just tend to see everything selfishly - like everyone else.

To sum this all up, I am far from feeling complacent, and though change is only 6 letters, give or take a few, I'm too cowardly. The wild is a beast of fearsome disposition, and cowards fare less well in its grasp than cow herds.

Excuse the meaningless pun.

Natarii

P/S: I am a sentimental old fool. Seeing Grass on the CPU booklet brought tears to my eyes, and reminded me of how low Sunway has gotten. It has further stirred my desire to graduate and gtfo of there. I still love Grass - this tug in my chest is telling me so, unless it's signs of a heart attack.

A Dream About Love... or Lust?

2011-04-15T08:56:00.005+08:00

Oh gosh. The dream I had yesterday was very *blush*... Haha. I feel sort of a leftover happiness and drowsiness from the dream.

First, I'll tell you the parental control part of my dream. I think I've been watching too much Master Chef, for in the dream I was cooking to be judged, and the criteria was that I had to have at least 2 experts and one layperson give me advice/help in the cooking process in some way or another. Yeah well, I don't remember who helped me anymore. But I was a good cook in my dream. Ah, dreams.

I believe Sarno was in my dreams too somewhere, but I didn't manage to talk with him much. Sad. He might have been one who gave me some cooking advice *furrowed brow* Wish I could remember him more. Sigh.

Now's the 18sx, yaoi part of my dream XD The main characters were: Ian Gooi (HAHA) and a guy who I don't know in real life but looks sorta like Chikage Kobayakawa and has a personality similar to him too. As most probably might not know, Chikage is a character from Fumi Yoshinaga's Antique Bakery, and is a bit out of it, and clumsy. He looks cool, but his personality makes him cute-like instead. He is really tall too - 6 footer I think. This is what he looks like:

That's the anime version, but I like the manga version much better.

Wanna know what Ian Gooi looks like then go FB search him or something.

Okay, so here's the scene that got me a-squealing and chuckling to myself on the way to college. We were in a group of people and we wanted to go somewhere, so we took a five seater car, but there was six of us. So there were two people in front, and four of us at the back. I was sitting at back in the middle seat, and someone I think I know in real life was on my left, and on my right was the guy and Ian was sitting on his lap XD Recipe for happiness :p

So Ian was teasing me like he does when he's near Nel, with sexual innuendoes and what-nots of possible gaying going on between them (I might only be slightly exaggerating). His face was even turned towards the guy halfway and about a hand's length away. As I said, the guy (I'll just call him Chikage for now) was a bit blur, but he knew, I THINK, that Ian was just feeding my yaoi fancies, and decided to pull Ian closer and went straight for a tongue-tying French kiss!

I'M BURSTING WITH EXCITEMENT AND JOY HAHAHAHHA

I whipped out my camera and started filming too! HEEHEE. They locked lips for damn long, and I don't know how Ian felt, but he looked like he was enjoying it. The car was in a riot - well, I was making a riot about it. There was sexy slurpy kissy sounds too (OH MAN HAHAH). Chikage just kept kissing and was blushing slightly. His hands were snaking around Ian's waist and head, and he was too strong for Ian to push away - what more in a cramped car.

AND THEN RAPE.

Nah, joking. No rape happened, but we sure know who'd be the uke if it did. *wiggles eyebrows profusely*

I know Chikage was turned on, but I think Ian was hiding it :p Heh. Chikage even kept a copy of the video of them kissing *Totoro grin* When I woke up, I only regretted not having a video of that in my phone. Sighs.

I chuckled and giggled like mad while typing this out. My heart's bursting with joy.

Natarii

Bring on the moany, emotional, and pessimistic music.

2011-04-14T23:55:00.006+08:00

This is my first time attempting to post a video.

I am not depressed. Now if only my neurons would believe that.

The three tunes that are stuck in my head. Like a rattlesnake who won't let up.

Now I can abuse my delayed, newfound knowledge of posting videos here. Tori Amos love.

Natarii

I'm not here.

2011-04-13T09:50:00.002+08:00

I've been feeling absent from life. In a bad way. I am officially 346% tired of studying, and 258% apprehensive of the idea of working. Sometimes, I think I don't exist anymore. Just one in billions living a puny, meaningless life. I see people going about their own business. Affecting each another's lives to certain extents, and it doesn't really matter, does it? I'm rather bored of earth. Actually, the thought of anything at all is boring me. I can't find something meaningful here anymore. I think I'm just uninspired and unmotivated, but. We should be a dying species. Overpopulation makes life ever so tedious.

I'm just remembering something very hopelessly despairing. I once heard this phrase, "your friends in the end won't give you money or really care for you" or something along those lines. I was merely a teen that time, and when I rolled it around in my head, it felt so true. Okay, it was my parents who said that to me, and I know that the point they were trying to get across was that they care a whole bloody lot more about me than my friends, but it struck me much deeper. It gave me an insecurity I guess. Probably why I'm so touchy about calling certain people friends or acquaintances. Then I began moving to the stage where I think I might have begun accepting the limits of friendship, but I guess that insecurity has stuck with me ever since. Now, I would rephrase that sentence as "In the end, not a single person would truly give their everything for you" (yes I know, so emo, pessimistic, and selfish). Because we're all selfish people in the end.

Cause inside you're ugly, ugly like me. Staind so emo, I likey.

Natarii

Need Water.

2011-04-06T22:00:00.002+08:00

NO WATER IN DA HOUSE. Don't people who talk like that all the time irk you?

There's no water (except tangki water).

I wanna shower.

I smell like two-weeks old garbage.

I itch like Nina Sayers.

I feel tarnished with the shit I was swimming in.

I am dirrrrty. As in, literally.

Natarii

Drying out.

2011-04-04T01:21:00.002+08:00

I had a beautiful dream yesterday. I dreamt that I was on a ship that could sail through air. It felt like deja vu, for I think I dreamt of something similar a few nights before that. Even longer ago, I remember dreaming of flying around at night on a broomstick - I could literally feel the cool wind on my face and see the blinking stars and bright moon in the cloud-free sky. This time it was about the same. The night sky is beautiful unclouded. However, I did not manage to take off very far in the ship before I was awake and desperately clawing at the fragments of the dream, asking it to take me away with it. I wonder if we all somehow wish to be taken away from reality. I think materialism is making me delay my night ship, my joys, my happiness, my adventures. In the dream, I was in a convenience store, and was told to pick up whatever last things I might need for the trip. I remember wasting a lot of time scurrying around picking up some stuff. I think I finally chose about 3-5 items (I remember one was junkfood or something), and went to pay, but realised I forgot an item I left on a shelf while choosing another, and rushed back to get it. The ship hadn't left, but I woke up too soon after. I wished so hard then that I had gotten out of that stupid store faster, just to have a few more minutes in the flying ship.

I feel utterly depressed when I get dreams like that. Mainly because they're too fantastical - making reality ever so dull, boring, uneventful, and tedious. It's like walking on the moon and then slamming right back to earth. Your body would feel so bloody heavy and sluggish that you'd rather stay on the moon.

Why are earthians so boring?

Natarii

Biting Metal

2011-04-02T19:38:00.003+08:00

As always, days are going by in a blink of the eye. First week of the semester was hell-like, and I don't see it getting any better. They built a mountain of assignments in a week, and I ain't at the top of it either. They being the bloody lecturers.

Don't think I'll even be able to find happiness amidst all this shit. Material happiness is boring the shit out of me. It's a drug that doesn't give enough satisfaction.

You know what should burn? Teachers with lousy teaching skills should burn. Abnormal Psychology and Cognition and Perception are ultimately appealing in their nature, but they are literally vandalised and desecrated by the sheer lousiness of the persons teaching them. Psychological Testing and Theories of Counselling are not that appealing to me, but heck they are a more bearable, if slightly enjoyable, experience than the other two.

I don't want a job. It would be too painful if I knew I sucked at it - even after years of experience. I want something I excel at, or can excel at after training. Something to be passionate about. If I could draw well, I'd seriously just throw everything and get to drawing everything I fancy.

I can't believe I went to a Communication Workshop to work on my presenting skills when the teachers are the ones that need it too - perhaps more desperately than us.

This is too awesome to pass up: Famous Objects from Classic Movies

Patience is all we need. Gah. Any more patience and I'll blow up. There's nothing I can do like this. Dry laughter.

I'm going to get indigestion. I wonder if many students get anhedonia midway through their courses. Why are we so desperate to live for little pleasures that fool us into thinking its happiness?

Feel sick of eating bland food. My tastebuds are dying. I want exciting food to stimulate me. I want sour or bitter food. There must be something other than the sense insulting Tom Yam and bittergourd that's sourish or bitter. Maybe I'll just go stuff a lemon in my mouth.

Biting metal is all you can do to keep from biting your own tongue off - even cloth isn't enough now.

Natarii

Narcissistic period

2011-03-31T20:46:00.004+08:00

I never took myself for a narcissist, but recently I can't stop looking at my blue-purplish hair. I am tempted to don black eyeliner and my blue or black lipstick every day, but the thought of it seems stupid at the same time, as the only place I'll be at for the most part of the day is university. Ch. I also didn't realise how good I was at ignoring stares, or not exactly ignoring, but more like not feeling pricked by it.

I love blue hair - looking through it gives me chills of joy.

Tom Milson! OH GOSH. *yaoi fangirl blush*

He has my desired hair colour.

He is GAY XD

AND they make such a pretty couple. Love.

*nosebleed*

Gee I have a very very strong tendency to love homosexual guys.

*attempts to stop nosebleed*

Oh, and he's in a band with Charlie McDonnell - increase sex points by 50 HAHA. Gosh, I must be really losing blood here.

Natarii

Death becomes I

2011-03-30T00:22:00.005+08:00

Known for my cowardly ways, I'm now wishing for somebody to just kill me before I force my dying body to meekly try and get through this fucking semester. I hate paying people who can't teach to teach me. Whatever knowledge we have to supposedly glean off these donkeys is either very little, or virtually inaccessible. It's bloody frustrating. Bloody hell. Bloody bloody bloody. Repetitive, yes I know. I hate this life. Nothing but disappointments. All right, I'll do life some justice by saying instead that it's mostly disappointments. Bloody let-downs. A whole country full of shit is what I'm getting right now. I should just go into full-time denial and become some bloody nun.

A freaking two-faced, hypocritical, smelly nun.

I hate the beginnings of semesters. Makes me want to crawl under a rock and just die.

I much prefer having no life over this life.

Note: to not ignore the apparent 'perks' of living, I finally got my hair dyed blue. And not blue streaks or highlights, but my whole head. It looks blueish purple though because of the natural red base in the hair (or so I derived from the Cantonese-speaking hairdresser). It's not the turquoise or aquamarine blue I desired, but it's sort of progress. Shit, I stayed alive for 7 years before I got to do this to my hair. Pathetic.

Natarii

End End End.

2011-03-25T13:59:00.017+08:00

Needlessly, the end is repeated thrice, and it is so for me. I am enveloped in that brand of sadness peculiar to the finish of a story, a tale, of artful adventures, cunning schemes, intense human integrity, revengeful avengers, and by god, beauty. You have heard me briefly lament the end of FMA: Brotherhood, and now you will hear me mourn the end of the Count of Monte Cristo.

I feel neverendingly envious of fictional characters. As though having to deal with real, actual human beings weren't enough, I toss myself - my mind, my consciousness, my very being - into fictional worlds created by people for reasons sometimes less than inspiring and more often than not materialistic. Not all is so despairingly degrading though, sometimes, imagination just cannot be kept still. Words help relieve some of these inner desires and desecrated longings. Nothing but words could do this to a person's mind.

I don't have enough words in me to express this profound and recurring emotion, or perhaps, emotions. I might use depression, longing, nostalgia, envy, or anything parallel to these to explain my current state of mind. It is what I think I indulge in every time I reach the point where a particular life ends. Yes, the stories I yield a part of my soul to (oh my so exaggerated) are lives lived and lived again in my head.

Nicole Kidman is my ideal of beauty 8)

Everything's such a mess. The state of my room reflects the state of my mind at all times. Messy, disorganised, suffocating, dark, locked in, too tiny to contain the cowardly person that resides within.

The thing is, I hate myself every time I read or watch tales of all them positive, beautiful, admirable lives. Stories that make virtue as to outshine everything, as though they were made of sun rays, unhindered by the darkness of shadows brought about by solid objects and human flesh. Stories that promise oh so enticingly with their honeyed words, the type a mother would endeavor to sooth her unfortunate son, of a humanity similar yet unlike the one we live with.

I notice I haven't actually mentioned Monte Cristo yet, but what I was doing was simply reliving those emotions I profoundly feel for a book or movie or anime series that I thoroughly enjoy. It's ridiculous that a thing I enjoy so intensely could cause so much heart burn *laughs* As evident from the above incoherent ramblings, Monte Cristo began with much promise, lived up to its name, and ended so significantly my tiny heart can barely bear it. "Wait and hope." is all that the greedy reader is left with. I suppose I'm to await the next heartbreaker? The next story of the many shades love, hate, and humans come in?

Oh let me admit, I'm swept away by foolish romantic notions of the past. I'll also guiltily admit that I've been fantasizing of 'glomping' Kimblee and being blown to smithereens. All part of art *laughs* Aren't I a romantic? *snort*

Have I ever mentioned that classics are supreme? I wish I read more classics when I was a child, for reading through a child's eyes is completely different as compared to the age I am of now. At one-and-twenty years, and having my disposition, cynical thoughts only magnify the parts where despair is greatest, and tries desperately to ignore the beauty of human resourcefulness for it appears unhappily impossible in the life I’m disposed to live in. Instead of what my child self would have thought, that good, honest people will prevail, and that materialism, ugliness, and crime are for the scum on earth, I succumb to thoughts that the earth is covered in scum. Nothing truly matters, and even if it is what you make of it that matters, it still doesn’t truly matter in the overall picture. If selfishness is what was required to make everyone happy, then why are we not?

Avarice, a fancy synonym for greed.

Gee, do I digress or do I digress? I’m supposed to be gyrating around Monte Cristo and what a fabulous tale it is of revenge and redemption, and how seamlessly the characters and places and points of view are connected. How real yet fairytale like the story of Monte Cristo is. I practically drowned myself in the descriptions, so well translated to English, that it is probably influencing the way I’m writing all this right now. I immediately turned to the front of the book when I finished and continued devouring the introduction. I felt desperate for more, like the greedy reader I am.

Extraordinary. It is what moves my heart more than ordinary, and maybe it is so for everyone. What is ordinary? It has been associated with normality or boring, common qualities. Striving to be extraordinary is not unusual, but striving to be ordinary is not either. I’m extraordinary, but just not the extraordinary I want to be. I’m like everyone else, but not like the everyone else I want to be. Therefore, I am neither who or what I truly aspire to be.

Darn it. I guess my attention span could only last a paragraph long.

Adding on to this melancholic breath (I make it sound alchoholic), every time I think of the proposed seven sins, I inevitably board a train of thoughts trying to rank which sin is most prominent in me and possibly which sin I avoid or don’t adopt. I despair a little bit more when I realise that I’ve indulged in all of them. None has spared me, and I have shut out none. I also feel a loss of control when I think of it. It is as though I’m too weak to even withstand the temptation of a single sin. It’s pathetic. なさけない.

Someday, I dream of flying. They say the only person in your way is yourself, and as cheesy as it sounds, it is entirely true for me, and I hate myself for it. It’s probably a disposition for the weak to despise. Definitely not good survival tactics. *laughs* Anyhow, my imagination is neither wide nor deep, but ideals are probably indefinitely interwined with imagination, and in mine, I create a life of no tedious, man-made responsibilities. The only responsibility being to enjoy nature and art to the fullest, in my own way. To stare at the sky changing for a whole day. To see a neverending stretch of green land. To hope? *laughs*

I am dead really. Civilised life is just so restricted, boring, and tedious. Troublesome, really. めんどくさい.

And so I have to wrap this up. It won’t be an end as eloquent as Dumas’s, and for that, I bid thee to pick up an unabridged version of The Count of Monte Cristo and lose yourself in a life possible, yet unpossible (purposeful mistake, that).

Natarii

2011-03-25T01:59:00.002+08:00

i feel some huge burden on my shoulders right now. my head is feeling very heavy. i'm inevitably depressed. why can't i be ugly-but-think-i'm-pretty and all happy-go-lucky? my life is going to end and i'm not going to be satisfied with my life. i'm going to hate the way my life was lived. i'm going to loath the meaninglessness of this life. i'm going to be some bloody wandering soul.

fuck, next semester doesn't seem promising. at all.

X Seven =/= Kami

2011-03-23T22:56:00.010+08:00

I'm mourning the end of yet another anime. This time it's sort of an old-timer - Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, or otherwise known as FMA2. Simply a retelling of the original FMA anime.

I must, simply must, blurt out here my favourite characters throughout. Greed, Miles, Solf J. Kimblee, Envy, and Lin Yao. I especially liked Greelin (combination of Greed and Ling Yao). Greed makes greed seem not sinful *laughs bitterly*. Ling Yao is fascinating as most desperate princes are. Miles was a minor character, but there is something inherently charming about him, despite having a weird beard/sideburn thing going on his face. Kimblee is crazy crazy bloodlusty crazy. He is so exciting I shiver when he appears. Envy annoys me a lot, but is charming in his own sickening way.

And because I'm in the mood (probably cause I just finished watching all 64 episodes of it), I'll share with you some pictures of my favourite characters. You might just notice a certain trend or a tendency of mine in selecting favourite anime characters.

So this's the supposedly 'Chinese' prince from Xing.

This is Greed in his first form (note the shadow).

Ahh, Greelin, such a heartthrob.

Moving to a very much loved character, Envy.

This is how he usually makes his appearances. *smirk*

Think this androgynous guy is cute/weak-looking? You haven't seen nuthin' yet.

Pretty nasty looking eh?

Then... the truth is, he's just this.

I'd still take him - the metamorphosing bastard.

Introducing the Ishbal-jin soldier, Miles.

As he's a minor character, I couldn't find a better picture. *scoff*

*drum roll* And now, my absolute favourite of the series, introducing SOLF J. KIMBLEE!

Eh yeah, I know, very impressive entrance eh?

But you haven't seen him all cleaned up neat and tidy yet. *grins widely*

Did I mention that he's badass and merciless?

Take a closer look at those transmutation tattooed circles on his palms. Take a good look, for you might not live to get another chance. *cackle*

And then, he leaves you behind with a smirk (or orgasm <-- somebody from somewhere wrote this about this picture when I was browsing for his pictures).

Okay, okay. You got me. There's a reason why I like Miles somewhat. My yaoi nerves tingled when I saw this scene. KIMBLEE X MILES! *squees in classic yaoi fangirl fashion*

Enough fangirling, I'm withdrawing actually. Like that crazy 7-month period of nothingness. I don't feel available, though I'm doing nothing. It makes sense if you think about it. Maybe I should just say I'm not emotionally available. My mind feels out of it. I believe this might be anhedonia, but I might be exaggerating. It can't be fatigue, for I'm supposedly on holiday. However, I've been watching FMA for I think 4-5 days straight (minus the time fulfilling physical necessities). But yeah, it's been a speedy train ride watching that anime.

I wonder which I'm more like though. I mean which sin is more dominant in me. I think I'm a draw between envy and sloth.

All I need right now is somebody to say this to me, and I'll probably break or something.

Haha. Yowai. Nasakenai. Mendokusai.

Maybe I should add lust for yaoi into the draw. Hmm.

Natarii

Not thaaat long.

2011-03-18T22:44:00.003+08:00

Okay, so it's been somewhat quiet here (probably gone unnoticed though). I've been simply enjoying my holidays, and they give me no reason to be all sad and depressed, or any excuse to flaunt any outstanding joy I might have. I also haven't been around blog-reading as I usually do. Time to peck around and see what grains I can pick up.

A wee update of how my holidays have been.

First, I've been doing absolutely deliciously NOTHING. Okay, a slight exaggeration there. I have been doing something and some things. First of which, on the very day my exams ended (or wait, was it the next? Memory cells were fried in the last exam), I repainted the mask that Wey so graciously painted for me fluorescent green (as in, retraced the markings). Now it's so BRIGHT AND PREEETY. Then, I had that movie outing which I've already mentioned in the previous post. The weekend was slow-moving and lazy, for I was saving my energy (note: bullshit) for Monday through Wednesday.

Went for a 3-days, 2-nights trip in Ipoh. Was driven there by Nigel; along with Alyssa, Ping Ying, and Yik Peng. The name of the budget hotel was Sun Inns. And though seemingly clean, it's facilities were... generally mostly damaged. For example, Ping Ying's room's air conditioning only released room temperature air. My room's shower pressure pump wasn't working, so the water was barely trickling out. The water heater is either non-existent or spoilt too (didn't read the details on the shower cover properly). I was satisfied with the bed though. Was comfy enough.

We basically ate nga choi kai (I think that was one of the main reasons we went there), and went to Tambun Lost World to get sunburnt. I actually thought we were only going to a hotspring to boil ourselves alive like they do lobsters, but nah, we were to be sunburnt and tossed by fake waves in a lesser version of Sunway Lagoon instead. I actually love 'swimming' in deep waters, and spent quite a bit of time floating in the wave pool. I know why I stopped going to the pool as often as I used to when adolescence hit me - despair at my inability to freestyle and loathing of my physical body. During the sunburnt visit, I also wondered if we'd all die from possible exposure to radioactivity. I'm not really up to date with all the happenings with the nuclear stuff, and frankly, I find it a humanly annoying matter. Gah, later that.

I love playing Monopoly Deal though. Quite fun to waste the night away dealing cards and drinking shandy (o so hardcore) and later chocolate liquor (which simply tasted like chocolate milk with a strong aftertaste of alcohol). Felt rather warm after that - alcohol generally would have that effect on people, haha. Did I tell you that we stayed in connecting rooms? So communication with our neighbour simply required a loud comment or something like so. Alyssa is mad - she's such a light sleeper the quietest mouse who could get by the sharpest cat wouldn't be able to get by her without her stirring. Brrr. Not an exaggeration, that :p I apparently rolled into her space when she got up to go to the loo and she couldn't push me back to my original place, so she sat on the floor (crazy woman) until 4 plus A.M =.=" Craziness.

Long story short, I bought some for-self-pleasure stuff (necklace, comics), we ate a lot of junk, drank enough to keep ourselves hydrated, and got back home all sleepy-like. I was overall satisfied with it though. Nothing like being away for the holidays to switch your mood around.

Since getting back, I've been having dreams of counts and countesses, flying and walking, and other story dreams whose details flee me when I awake to the bloody hammering of renovation next door. What happens usually is that I force the sounds of hammering and drilling out of my head and continue the dream. Adventures adventures adventures.

I went to pyramid with my brother today (and my mum came along because we found out the day before that she was on leave today as well) to watch Rango. It was slow and I'm sorry to say, boring. The storyline was utterly predictable (I could see everyone being a sucker a mile away, and even the main problem of the whole thing was too obvious - the villain even more excruciatingly so). That's disappointment 1. Then my brother and I had our hearts and socks set on bowling two games, only to find out that there was some bloody competition going on there. Of course, with about three hours to spare and a restless brother, I had to find an alternative. Ice skating was way out - gonna get a bloody phobia of skating, I am. So I brought him for his first archery game. Met Rachel's parents and siblings and aunty and cousins there. Was slightly awkward but fine. They wondered why I didn't meet up with her the last time she came down (but wait, I think I did). Oh well. Anyways, my brother was greedy and wanted 44 arrows to shoot. I grinned as I handed the money over - knowing it was going to end in sore wrists and muscles. Eheh. Those fools, however, gave my brother a bow that was taller than him. Midway through, I made them switch to a more appropriately sized bow for him. Sigh their lack of bows and arrows. He did alright I guess for a first-timer. Ah, also, before this archery business went about, I hung around in Anime Tech, and bought a RM5 Wolf's Rain OST cd. It was on discount - my cheapskate side had to rear its ugly head.

Oh yes, before I end this not-that-short-or-long update of my oh-so-exciting life, I must say what Japan and all other places affected by the earthquakes, tsunami, and nuclear threats need right now is bloody support in every sense, and not idiots making jokes about it. I don't feel extremely strongly about this whole thing (strangely), but I get annoyed when I see shameless dissing or people basically undermining the consequences of the events. Sheesh, I hate people.

I want what I dreamed of that night.

Natarii

Brain-consuming movies.

2011-03-10T22:18:00.002+08:00

Watched 127 hours and Black Swan today with Missy Ding XD Most probably will have some spoilers ahead, so don't read unless you are absolutely certain that you couldn't care less, or have already watched it.

127 hours. Phew. It was somewhat slow, and James Franco's acting kind of disappointed me a little, but overall, my mind was screwed with the psychological torture involved. And those little disgusting things like drinking piss due to lack of water. The hallucinations (or what they called 'premonitions') were a constant companion throughout his stay in the crevice. Oh man, the fella's will to live is so strong I can't bear it. It's crazy.

So okay, we were kind of erm, mind-probed by the goriness/craziness of that movie, then we realised we were going to be watching Black Swan. *crickets* ... Yeah, so we sort of prepared ourselves for another mind-attack. Sort of. And BS attacked us with more hallucinations and other self-destructive behaviours and disorders like OCD, bulimia, probable MPD... It was as though Abnormal Psychology started early. I can imagine this movie being shown in Abnormal class some semesters later for analysis. There's loads of things to look out for in it. IT ATE MY BRAIN HAHAHAHAHA

But I loved both the movies, really. It was a lovely ride. I wanna watch BS again - ballet always comes by as this crazy thing people get disorders over =.=" this movie ain't helping it's reputation. Though, I guess it happens almost everywhere in almost any profession in one form of disorder or another. Just that ballet seems to be attributed with more eating disorders. Sigh. Maybe I should've stayed in ballet and adopt an eating disorder too. Pfft.

The rest of the free time was spent on her buying A birthday card (perfectionist that she was hahah), and me peanut butter from M&S (which has conveniently lowered their prices on all food) for me mamsie. Also had to go get her some potatoes. I took so long choosing 8 lousy potatoes that about 2 or 3 people came and went from the potato section by the time I was done. I grow old and inexperienced - if that made sense. I also continued my supposed spending spree by purchasing a chilli red Elianto nail varnish and Blanko-inspired white one - like I said I would. Now I've all the colours I'll ever need (I think).

Ah, holidays. My relaxant. No assignment deadlines hanging over your head. No guilty feelings clouding your mind. So free of academic stress. Slacking slacking slacking.

Natarii

Only a ginger, can call another ginger ginger.

2011-03-09T21:56:00.002+08:00

Tim Minchin - Prejudice, contributed to the title, but that's beside the point.

Exams are officially over for the semester, and heck I've so many things I want to do. Rather enthusiastic right now. I made a promise to myself to cut up one of my t-shirts after exams. Yes, yours truly was inspired by a Youtube video. I must admit that I was so inspired, I thought of cutting it up while finishing up the essay in today's exams. Hmm.

Anyhow, I've finished slicing up one t-shirt, and I must say it looks not bad for an amateur job. Now I'm just wondering whether I should post a picture of it here or just wear one day when I go out. Ideally, my birthday, but that's too damn far away. Cutting up t-shirts are fun. I shall do more if I see any other interesting designs or think of one meself (unlikely).

I've gotten to be quite fond of Charlie McDonnell *looks at picture below post* Yes indeed. Am continuing the Charlie spree as exams are over eheh

Wey wanna go watch Indicine?

Ahhh movies! Anime! Manga! Sanzoooo!

Slacking is the life to lead.

Natarii

2011-03-06T18:25:00.002+08:00

This is how I feel right now.

Natarii

Sibling.

2011-03-05T16:34:00.002+08:00

Unlike and like many other pairs of siblings, my brother and I couldn't be any more different. I can just see him having a huge social circle in his teens and constantly going out to social gatherings or parties - heck he'd probably be clubbin' earlier than me. Just today he's already going to two separate birthday parties. One's his 'number one' friend and the other is his friend's sister (who put a limit on the number of friend her brother could invite, which was 2). Not saying I mind any of these things, my only gripe would be that he doesn't read enough - or at all. Would love a sibling that could banter with me on the book we've just read and share our thoughts on the story, characters, author, book pages, anything.

I sound lonely. Brrr.

Nah, just thinking about how I can't wait for my bro to turn 13 so I can eh, educate him thoroughly on things I wouldn't want him finding out through lousy classmates or the internet (then again, I might be too late). Better go find my science textbook or something. Till now, I haven't discovered the meanings of many swear words, and it makes it all the more harder to be expressive when you're angry. Really. Hah. Actually, it's just nice to know that you have backup. *grins*

I've only a year left before he turns 13. But he'll always be a brat to me. Hmm.

Natarii

Let the emotionally distraught go.

2011-03-04T00:25:00.002+08:00

In the end, everyone ends up alone. Or so the song says.

I slept too much today. The drilling is affecting my mental health. I am going nowhere with life.

Those sentences weren't in the least coherent. I feel overwhelmed by AD's amount of information. So so lazy to make notes for all of it. Especially Infant Perception which is mad with experiments. Why did I choose this again? This as in the whole thing. Why did I choose to be vacuumed out?

My head is pounding. It is confounding, this throbbing nuisance. It's hurting too much to properly study, but I don't want to sleep either. Sigh. I feel like floating. I should do drugs or something. Would give some purpose to life eh.

Of course, I speak of things I wouldn't do. I speak of things I probably daren't do. You knew from the beginning how pointless this whole thing was going to be anyways.

Do you know how much energy it takes to refrain from screaming about how boring life and everything is? Especially, oh especially, when you are part of the reason why life is so goddamned boring.

Listening to anime OSTs makes me feel nostalgic. I want to watch anime so badly. I want to watch anime that will actually absorb and interest me, and not arouse disgust or disdain towards the theme or character designs. I want anime with meaning, with feeling, with surrealism that does not cross with fucking moe. God, I want more than I have.

Don't we all. Materialistic bastards that we are.

I want to possess. Possess people. Possess their lives. Possess their actions. Shit, I think this is some Monte Cristo influence. Scratch that - I just want to be a body thief like the one Anne Rice described. O to be a body thief would be grand. Painful, but grand.

Sometimes, I wished I was an animal. An actual animal. Life would be simpler, and dissatisfaction would be a concept ignorant to us. We'd neither be conniving nor hateful. Just mindless like every other one. Pure survival. Weak or strong would be the only thing that matters. Even if I was a weak animal, death would still be there for me in the end - as it is now, only human life is clutching me in its torturous grip - like a giant would an Englishman. (If you do not get the reference, you had no childhood).

Do you notice how pathetic I and the life I'm leading are? By the way, I can't speak as candidly about things that pathetically matter to me. My inability to do so usually ends up in me not talking about it at all. Probably never even mentioned it - here or in person. Then again, some things are only said candidly because you can't say them seriously. Why can't you say such a thing seriously? Because there's nothing the other person can do about it - unless they're professionals at the matter you're candidly speaking about. Find your own example. Or should I give you one? Depression for example. Not very general an example, but still applicable. Probably anything negative pertaining to your self would invoke a candid tone. I say probably because it'll only happen if you're embarrassed or reluctant to acknowledge it.

Depression either makes one at lack for words, or incoherently rambly.

Tori Amos actually increases my want for alternate or surreal-like lives. Perhaps that's not healthy, but I love her music too much to care.

If anyone notices, there is a very valid reason as to why I call myself and my life boring and uneventful - about 80% of my posts probably have the same content in paraphrased sentences.

Some might say I lack admirable qualities, values, and a lovable personality.

And some might say I simply lack people in my life.

I say I lack life itself.

Natarii

Silly, Really.

2011-03-01T19:22:00.002+08:00

It's strange how I feel like I learned nothing in Dr. P's classes. I mean, in other classes I might learn of concepts or models and how to apply them to life/situations (which I'm sure I'm horrible at doing), but in her classes - zip. Nothing seems useful. She gives us some crap about her culture (okay, not some, but LOTS), and it just doesn't matter to us (alright, me) because how many of us are actually going to her country for anything besides holidaying or religious purposes? I mean, as Malaysians (or so-called), we obviously will blank out, or at least, I do. Dr. A is fine because she can apply not only her own, but our cultures and cultures beyond that in classes. It felt so pointless and meaningless attending the first part of the lectures when Dr. P was teaching. I felt mindless. Like a corpse, shoved onto a seat, and forced to look attentive or interested (which I did not do in the end). It was tremendously boring and not at all inspiring yet alone enlightening.

Honestly, no wonder my life feels so dry, and yet, I'm too lazy to water it. I don't need any further drying, thank you. Already on the verge of dehydration here.

Natarii

Renovations.

2011-02-28T15:45:00.002+08:00

Are fine, really. Just not when they're next door and going at it exactly at the time when you want to study or read some boring journals. Damnit.

--- The next morning...

Renovations are obviously continuing despite worsening my already not-so-swell hearing abilities. So, I decide to blast some music on the speakers - hopefully they both knock each another out or something (fat chance).

Dr. P's slides were never good, but these are the worst that I've seen as of this semester. It's as though she just copy pasted near-blindly from the textbook. No wonder people are demotivated.

Spewing neurotic bullshit here is much fun or stress-realeasing. Cause you can't do it all the time when you're outside. I should applaud them people who actually regularly read all this neurotic nonsense birthed from spur of the moments or deep-seated dissatisfaction/disgruntled-ness.

Mind me alliterations.

DAMNED DRILLING.

Back to failing.

Natarii

The calm before storm.

2011-02-26T20:17:00.003+08:00

I've just had the most impeccable lazy-day. After a sleep of 13 hours, I woke up feeling slightly uncomfortably hot and bit woozy in the head. I wish it'd been raining when I woke up. I feel incredibly happy when I do. I feel like staying up when it's raining too, not sleeping.

Exams are the week after next. Need to score for both the subjects if I wanna survive with a scholarship in hand. I rather pay Dr. T and Ms. C than the new lecturers that are pouring in from god-knows-where and who seemingly suck.

Sunway's in a rut. But that's just my oh-so-professional opinion.

There were lots of sharp lighting and loud thunder today. My cat's been sick. He hasn't eaten since yesterday night, and vomited at least 4-5 times since yesterday or day before that. Time for the vet. Hope they're open on Sundays. And he refuses to answer our calls for him - won't come back into the house. I only worry if someone fed him something rotten or poisoned him. That's just paranoia though. My bro's been asking if the cat's dead. He must be more worried than he's showing.

Kinda mean, but I thought cats were less maintenance than most other common pets. My schema for them was: feed, clear poop, minimum pet and play, and shower. Throw in going to vet for shots now and then and the unnecessary castration and there'd you have a cat. Getting sick should be only be once a year or less. Maybe this cat got less when he missed out on mother's milk.

I also saw someone post a video of a girl abusing a baby rabbit and killing it in the end. I don't think I quite fully understand the unlimited amount of cruelty some people have. Don't talk of hell, it's here in anyone and everyone.

I only wish I was being taught by Ms. E again next semester. I must say I've gotten quite fond of that PKN. Ms. W is fine too, but rather touchy? Oh well.

An educator. Editing this education system would need tremendous effort. I wonder if living is actually worth it.

Natarii

P/S: Gotta lay off them 'emo' songs. Unrelated: I had a dream yesterday, and in it I was telling someone "you should give me your vegetables cause they're rottening", and then I paused in the dream and said "I mean rotting, sorry". I rectify vocabulary in dreams. How cool is that? =.="

We are Golden.

2011-02-23T21:49:00.003+08:00

Watched a movie called Forbidden Fruit/ Kielletty Hedelmä and I liked it. A bildungsroman of sorts I guess. Most of us even got the movie file from the lecturer. She very obviously downloaded it (and I thought we had to be all piracy-conscious in uni). O well, I'm just spreading the love.

Eh, You've just had the almost imponderable joy of watching Charlieissocoollike, which makes you, like, cool.

Loving that boy right now. Loving as in fascinated by him. Am also stalking him. Not surprising anymore eh. I stopped stalking Hooker cause he privatised his profile till the maximum, but I still wish I could see more of him now and then - he was a very interesting person to me. He has Sanzo as his profile picture right now. *sighs heavily*

Tsk.

I think I've repeated that line till I forgot it this morning. His accent defines sexy. Ehem.

What else do I have to talk about. What I want to talk about is more paranoia, but I can't possibly include paranoia and Charlie in the same post - it just doesn't go. So I'll leave that here for now, but I never did exclude a bit of, let's say, emo-ness (emotionally distraught) lines from my posts. Not something to be proud of but oh well.

One more assignment, then exams. Life needs to stop.

Natarii

*add on*

Okay, so I wasn't exactly done or satisfied just typing that much here. Then again, I really don't have anything I want to share here with you. I'm too lazy to find out how to attach YouTube vids here. I have one more assignment (as already mentioned) to do. 1000-word movie review. Not that it's difficult, but it's troublesome and too tedious to begin, really. O, I could write about one thing though. Rather silly really, but I must remember not to repeat such absent-mindedness again. I forgot to renew the Into The Wild book that I borrowed from the library some months ago... twice. So now I owe the lovely library (WHO HASNT FUCKING FIXED EBSCOHOST IN UNI) RM3. Still do. Maybe Ebscohost will miraculously work again if I pay the three bucks - fat chance.

It's times like these where sledgehammers would come in handy. To bash someone's skull seems like such a tempting decision sometimes. First, I'd need to be able to properly utilise it though. Hmm. Fun challenge that'd be. I could use some people I know as practice. Though, they might expire at my third try, as I don't think I'm that accurate a whacker. Hm. Any volunteers? I have some in mind, but real names only serve as hindrances here. Therefore, I shall call them Papi, Irene, Itery, Kink, Chaf, Veal, Shabb, Protty, and Joshi. Hmm, quite a decent list of tryouts, don't you think?

Listening to Mika makes one dance in the chair while typing. Sucking too hard on your lollipop; Love's gonna get you down.

Deja vu,

Natarii

I decide to torture.

2011-02-22T18:31:00.002+08:00

Just so you know, 'fluck' could either mean 'flu uck' or 'fuck luck'. Just something that came to mind.

Also, I used to hate Eclipse/New Moon with a vague idea of what i was hating. Now I know what I'm hating. It's Disgusting. Yes, with a capital D. I may sound like an envious hag by saying this, but that girl Bella is fucking annoying and her personality sucks like shit (stinks and is practically non-existent). She's worse than neurotic and the only reason guys want her is really, no denial now, to get in her pants (to be more crude, fuck her). She's worst than some pansy, heartbroken woman. Urgh. Such a disgrace.

3 movies in a row. Devil, Milk, and to fuel hatred, yeah you can guess it.

Natarii

Fluck.

2011-02-21T15:56:00.002+08:00

*ACHOO!* S'cuse me. *rubs sore nose* Using Tesco tissue has made my nose sore. I have made more wantans than a person should ever make.

Tis such bad luck. I caught a flu while overnighting at Wey's place on Friday. Twas probably because I didn't cover myself while sleeping, as a stand fan didn't seem threatening enough to me to utilise the blanket I conveniently left under my feet. Woke up with my right nostril firmly stuck the next day and of which progressed to release squishy sounds when pressed later in the day. I was slightly panicking as I had to write a 2500-3000 word essay that was due Monday and my stuck nose (which begets a stuck head) evidently didn't help in speeding up the process. Yes yes I know I probably should have finished it earlier or delay a sleepover of that nature knowing my jittery self when an assignment date is near, but next week would've been the week before exams! Stronger jitters if anything. Then why not during holidays? Because that would've been no fun and too long to wait.

So there you have it. I literally stressed myself sick over a shitty essay.

Hate feeling sick. Hate being sick more. Being sick is worse than death. I know, I experience death. You feel nothing.

Besides all this sickly nonsense, most of the early part of the night at Wey's house was spent watching Joe Hisaishi's Studio Ghibli performances! HE (plus Hayao Miyazaki) IS ECSTASY. I love his grins. I also got a haircut from Wey's mum (actually, just thinning and slight trimming). I don't like Nanking's food. No wonder people have bad impressions towards vegetarian food if that's what they're serving. I failed to park the Audi properly and let her dad repark it for me. I managed to find my way home from her house BY MYSELF MUAHAHAHAH Feel so smart now. Eheh.

Natarii

'Jokes'

2011-02-17T19:41:00.002+08:00

Been brain-blurred lately. Not only is my hearing eh, better than ever, but my logic has been hanging around in the sewers.

As the title indicates, I've been doing what Alyssa would classify as 'jokes'. I also write this because somebody said it was time to update my blog - funny considering how I do it so often =.="

This is more for those that haven't heard already. On Wednesday my cognitive functioning was at its lowest simply because of the one-hour nap I had the night/morning before. So I slept in an empty classroom (with a woman called Ping Ying there too) after classes ended, about 2.50p.m. She woke me up at around 5.15, and the first thing I apparently mumbled was that I wanted to brush my teeth. Then I said 'uh, I didn't go home' and then 'I overnighted here'. I think I only said the second sentence because Ping Ying wasn't replying me after I said the first. Then she started laughing and saying OMG and that it was still p.m and not a.m. Hmm. Didn't get it until my eyes saw that I was in a classroom. That's the first joke.

Second one was when I was walking out to the cafeteria during lecture break. I only heard that woman Ping Ying saying 'don't block' or something like that, but she didn't mention any names so I thought she was talking to someone else. Suddenly I felt someone pushing me from my right, trying to get in front, and thinking it was Ping, I leaned towards the force (i.e. shoved back with my body weight) until I realised it was uh, my lecturer =.=" Was too shell-shocked to reply or apologise hahahha and she walked off too fast anyways. She's not weak anyways so she wouldn't get knocked over that easily. Eheh.

Just everyday life in a college of madness and depravation. Oh wait, apparently we've achieved University status now - I didn't know that having lousy resources (they BLOODY BLOCK all the games and youtube and relaxation material and their internet speed is STILL freaking slow - and making resources like elearn and ebscohost inaccessible) and worsening facilities (the aircon bloody broke down in class today) is what Universities are made of.

Sunway is making their students stressed by being stupid and unreasonable and the environment is not at all conducive for students to study in.

Natarii

Everything else.

2011-02-14T20:52:00.003+08:00

All we need is another cold war.

This short semester seems shorter than the first one. By the way, to remind you again, I have no life to speak of. Listening to Eyes Wide Shut soundtracks. Very eerie music. Makes me long to be anywhere but here. There are very good reasons as to why I can't wait to graduate. 1. No more Sunway. 2. No more lecturers from Sunway. 3. Another phase of life would be over; i.e. closer to death. 4. I hate the lecturers (oops, repeated number 2). 4. Be it working or continuing my studies, I'd get to see new humans, but actually, that might not be too good either. 5. Oh what the hell, I just really want to rot in a hole without having them life responsibilities and academic stress to deal with almost every fucking day of my non-social life.

Stories are fun. Stories are fascinating, so here's a story for everything else.

There was a person of whose gender was not known. This person cared only about everything else. Everything else was all that mattered to this person. So the person went around, looking at everything else, hearing about everything else, thinking about everything else. All this person knew was everything else. Then the person met another, but this one did not know of everything else, did not think of everything else, did not hear everything else, did not see everything else. The first person was confused. The second person was confused, but believed not to be. Then, thinking about everything else, the first person walked off a cliff. Thinking about anything but everything else, the second person crossed the road and died.

There is no moral, no value, and perhaps no meaning to this story. If one could derive anything from it, it'd be that death is all that waits for you in the end, but will you be the person who thinks about everything else, or anything but everything else?

Everything else is meaningless, but anything but everything else is pointless too.

I feel generous. Let me tell you another story.

There was a frog. Its life was relatively simple. All it had to focus on was finding food and shelter, and perhaps, during the season, a mate for breeding. If this frog were to feel emotion, it'd generally be a satisfied frog. One day, it encountered something 10 times bigger than it. Its skin was palish and dry, with dabs of moisture forming here and there. The frog, being a frog with generally no emotion but instinct only, did not dare go near this new object, for it could be a predator of a new kind. Experience or instinct told the frog to stay away. The frog was not curious about this new object, as it felt no emotion. But, with sudden quick movements like many predators have, it reached out and grabbed the frog. All that the frog could register in its tiny brain was fear. The frog felt fear, and what it could not comprehend before was now fully grasped by the magic that is the brain. It began struggling futilely in the grip of this new predator, which did not do any good as the grip only tightened even further. Then, knowing it should die at the mercy of this predator, the frog felt despair. Despair in the face of death. Death had made the frog feel despair, something never even thought about, as it had lived on instinct its whole life. What a life, thought the frog, what a life. The frog died of asphyxiation.

Everything ends in death, but that wasn't the point. I like to speculate sometimes. Whether this story was an improvement over the last, I can't fathom. All that's clear is that everything is related to emotions these days. I wouldn't write if I didn't feel emotion. Somehow, even being emotionless is a sort of emotion.

Such is life.

Natarii

Yay. Me. Me. ME ME.

2011-02-13T22:52:00.003+08:00

I have a tendency to believe that life is just an accumulation of shit. Said shit excreted by various sources including myself. It stinks so bad all good things are wiped out. Even the memory of something good is overpowered by its smell.

And I smell something shitty.

Very shitty. *shrug* Blame myself for not being more inquisitive or sensitive or curious. I'm probably just another self-absorbed bastard trudging through life wearily and being unfriendly towards all I come across. Probably some of you noticed that already. I knew I was somewhat insensitive, and I will never be as observant as I wish I could be. I I I I I I <--- Perfect sign of self-absorption.

Natarii <-- it seems I substituted a single 'i' with two instead in the process of translating it to how Japs would pronounce it. Probably just a subconscious sign of self-absorption.

They're back.

2011-02-12T12:22:00.003+08:00

I've said this before and I'll say it again - Iron and Wine seres as good background music for studying or doing work. Because it's non-intrusive and yet not lullabye-ish enough to make you feel sleepy or tired.

It was nice being alone in the house, but I'm happy that they're back - no more hanging in my grandparents house trying futilely to comfortably do my assignments. Yay. Shit. Now I have approx 2 days to do my research report which isn't half done and 4 days to do a 10-page essay which isn't done at all.

Life is fun eh.

Sigh. I have no time to even complain about the new timetable and the lecturers that are going to be 'teaching' it. Sigh.

Natarii

Nearing End

2011-02-10T21:22:00.003+08:00

My parents will return the day after tomorrow. I'll be receiving nags from my mum for not bothering to sweep or mop the floor.

In all honesty, I enjoyed living alone. I enjoyed feeling somewhat independent. The only part I didn't enjoy was that I had to spend my evenings at my grandparents house while waiting for drunk or raving mad uncles to take over. I have two essays due next week. Evenings in the other house is never productive. I feel stressed. Damn, damn, assignments.

I hate that P. Bloody hell it's as though no one has ever made another cross-cultural movie since 1996 or something. If you want to make a movie part of an assignment at least make sure that the movie has CLEAR subtitles or at the very least CLEAR screenings. The quality was so bad I had to look away, and when I looked away they began speaking in indistinguishable English or Tamil which of course I didn't understand. She had to choose a movie probably only Indians understand best, shit.

Parking is a horror. I woke up from the sound of a message and didn't even hear my alarm ring again. Lucky Ping Ying messaged or I'd be late for Ms. E's class. I like Ms. E. I thought class started at 10 when I realised it wasn't tutorial day. That made me hurry up. I'm actually pretty lucky it wasn't incredibly jammed at summit and at the roundabout. Parking is still a horror though. Managed to find one even further than before. Found it before I wanted to give up and head to my mum's carpark area.

I need to stop dreaming so I can hear my alarm ring.

Natarii

Semi-Independence Isn't Supposed To Be Like This.

2011-02-09T21:44:00.004+08:00

It really isn't. Ever since that dismal Monday, about 90% of the elasped time was bad, horrible, wasteful, and god-damned bloody TERRIFYING.

Let's talk about the 10%, which might not prove that good in the long run, cause I don't think stuffing your face with various types of food is good for health at all - referring to the food trip I went on with Ping Ying and Nigel. Then the next day was Cultural food day, where I ate a caterpillar among other things. Anyhow, those were the only, what can be called, good moments from where I last left this. Ping Ying in the end was the only one who overnight-ed at my house (and she initially was the one who said she must have someone else to come along too before overnighting at my place - fickle HAHA). She tried and failed to teach me reverse parking too :p (yaya I fail).

Now to that 90%. Oh shit, where should I begin? Maybe the fact that I woke up in a real hurry on Tuesday morning and somewhat rushed all the way to college to find that there was NO CLASSES because our LOVELY DR. P CANCELLED CLASS? Or perhaps that we were forced to wait till 10 with the promise that a replacement lecturer was coming in only to find out that WE HAD TO FUCKING SIT THERE TO LISTEN TO MORE BLOODY CULTURAL PRESENTATIONS AND NOT, (YES, NOT) GET OUR ATTENDANCE MARKED WITH YET ANOTHER PROMISE OF REPLACEMENT CLASS? (machibaifuckinghellshitdiuni).

Or maybe it's the fact that my grandpa is a fucking turd who lies and swears and makes his sons argue with him all the time because he ACCUSES them or doing something they didn't do - simply because their cellphones were malfunctioning and the call could not get through? Because he is so self-absorbed and fucking selfish till he drove my uncle to literally smash a hole through one of the doors with his fucking bare fist?

FML. No. FUCK MY LIFE.

Can't wait to attend my grandfather's funeral. Can't wait for mine either.

Natarii

Horrendously Nerve-Wracking Day.

2011-02-07T22:27:00.003+08:00

I didn't hear my alarm clock ring today again. That's because I woke up half an hour earlier.

Which makes that 5 a.m.

I also woke up with the feeling that I never went to sleep, and if you've experienced that feeling you'd know how disorientating it can be. I was worried I couldn't drive straight, but then again, the roads were so clear I literally didn't touch the brake the whole way there. Okay, maybe I did once or twice.

I hate the Audi. It locked me out for about half an hour and Ping Ying accompanied me to get a mechanic to open it - who opened it in less than 10 seconds. Felt like complete fools, we did.

My father's side is screwed up. Today, as usual since my parents left, I had to stay at my grandparents house (internet-less, TV-less) till 9p.m to look after my injured grandma and invalid grandpa. Usually, the eldest son would come around 9 to take over and I can go home to finish whatever crap I need to do. TODAY, of all days, the eldest got himself fucking DRUNK. The youngest son was supposed to be there around 7 too. God. And his hp couldn't even be reached. Went straight to voicemail or something. I ended staying there till near 10 before I could come back home.

I lose faith in adults.

I lose the will to live among people.

Natarii

Steeling Nerves

2011-02-06T18:09:00.003+08:00

I didn't even hear my alarm this morning. Maybe I worry too much. Maybe.

I now must remember to take out the rubbish, clean some parts of the house, clear the litter, and kill myself. Joking about the last one. Sigh. Gonna drive out for dinner too. Too lazy to boil rice etc. Mcd sounds ravishing at the moment.

I might have to stop by my grandparents' house too later. It's what I had to do yesterday. Sigh. Maids have gone down the drains these days - what with slave rights and all that. It's so hard to find decent help these days, and even if you treat them well or humanely, they run off on you.

I also want to add how fucked up Ebscohost is (okay, actually it's mostly just Academic Source Premier). Bloody hell why show a journal when you don't have the pdf or html file attached to it? Stupidity. I wonder if it's got to with Sunway not paying for the journals. If so, shit them. With all the students they con practically every few months they should at least provide us a decent database with decent amounts of information. Education is going to the dogs.

I can't wait for tomorrow to be over. It's gonna be a long day. 6 hours of Applied Developmental ain't no joke =.=" My head's gonna be woozy from all them stuff. Brrr. Plus, I need to read journals journals journals. Sigh life. I always despair when the semester commences. Always. I await the semester where the workload doesn't make me sigh in hopelessness with a tinge of regret. I fail at being happy happy joy joy, so kill me. Violence isn't the answer! HAHHAHHA

I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Natarii

The Next Day...

2011-02-05T16:51:00.004+08:00

Set my alarm at 8, woke up at 9. Imagine a school day, I feel myself being late again. I set about to doing the chores I listed out in my mind - feed the cat, hang the clothes, fold the clothes, have breakfast, off the night-lights, attend to the altar, and ponder giving the place a mop or so. Ended up reading the morning away instead. Showered near noon, cause I wanted pizza. Felt complete as a slacker after devouring my pizza in an almost lifeless house. Cat was feeling prancy, and pranced and pounced to his heart's content. Haven't cleaned his litter yet. Brr.

Am about to venture out to buy some bread which my parents forgot to get while doing their grocery shopping yesterday. If I come back in one piece you'll see me around.

Yesterday. After minesweeping my way through the hour, I decided that it was dinner time. When I got up, before I knew it, an intense heat was emanating from me. I felt wobbly and short of breath. My hands shivered perceptibly in the dim light. I worried that these feverish signs wouldn't go away. Forcing myself to focus on the TV instead, I soon felt normal again, or as normal as I'd ever feel. The kimchi tasted bland on my tongue - perhaps I added too much water, which I staunchly agreed with. To think otherwise would admit the feverish symptoms to affect me. It's all in the mind after all. Your mind itself can afflict physical ails on you. I wasn't about to allow that.

I guess being semi-independent is all it's thought to be.

Natarii

This is it.

2011-02-04T18:08:00.003+08:00

It being temporary independence. I now have to be able to wake up early enough. To wash clothes. To dry the clothes. To iron what's necessary. To clean the house. To make meals. To drive. To live in a house completely empty save for the cat and I. I feel like a spinster already. Yay.

To be independent, or actually semi, as I'm still riding on my parents' money.

I grow old, I grow old.

I shall wear my trousers rolled.

I think what I shall do during this week, to keep me on track, to keep me sane, or to just fill up time... I'll post my daily efforts. It'll probably be a bore to do so, and I'll probably end up saying "I did what I did yesterday plus/minus this or that", but oh well. I want to remember this part of my life for some reason. And laugh at it when I'm older or near dead. If I get to read it again.

Also, I know what to wish for if I ever had a wish granted for me.

Time to feed myself and the cat. O life. Dinner is going to be repetitive without mum here.

Natarii

2011 - Rabbit Year

2011-02-03T22:31:00.001+08:00

Yes, Happy Chinese New Year. Or Happy New Year if that sounds racist.

Nothing else to say.

Natarii

Salt on the Wound, Sizzles.

2011-02-01T14:37:00.002+08:00

I wish I either had more time or only one subject to worry about. Wish. Been feeling disconnected lately. I start thinking about something, and continue from there. Then I forget what I was thinking about, and when I backtrack, it doesn't make sense. A sick feeling of dread is growing deeper in the pits of my stomach day-by-day. I only wish I didn't know why.

Wishful thinking, it deludes.

Broad, is this sea

The salt, enters the wounds

My take, on you is simple

So heal, your fear

To heal, your fear

Time, spent wading off shore

The calm, before the storm

My take, from you is simple

So heal, your fear

To heal, your fear

You're such a comfortable liar x5

So calm

Cause I said wrong

You comfortable liar x4

Liar

The red, it filters through.

Eminem. You really are quite effective, though that was a Chevelle song, of which I've probably pasted here before not too many months ago. Oh well.

I think I should nap, but I can't. Not yet anyways.

My feelings on this, well, hasn't been completely expressed, but I guess it's pointless now that it's been cut short.

Natarii

This is a COLOURFUL post.

2011-01-31T18:02:00.002+08:00

Fucking chair bloody fucking broke again what the fuck. Fucking hell I should be fucking dead. The fuck the hell the shit the damned damned fucking chair. I fucking hate myself. FUCK chairs that fail to even fucking last more than one fucking bloody year. Fuck my useless, pointless excess weight that fucking breaks these fucking flimsy chairs. Fuck it. FUCK IT.

FUCK LIFE.

COCK-SUCKING-ROACHES

2011-01-30T23:02:00.003+08:00

I believe I've been drowning myself in what some might call 'emo' music. Sometimes, I don't remember how old I'm supposed to be. Not sure whether it's a personality problem or a brain issue, but my memory of supposedly significant events just ain't that... prominent. I was drinking my chinese tea in a vegetarian restaurant, you could even say I was contentedly doing so, until my brother discovered a tiny cockroach in his cup of tea. The mind makes you sick, and I still feel sick right now. The fucking aunty of the shop didn't even apologise, but instead launched into a series of explanations (read: EXCUSES) as to how it could have gotten there and how difficult it is to get rid of these type of pests even though they call pest control (supposedly) at least once a month. Fuck. Oh, I did exclaim that it was a 'fucking cockroach' on reflex in front of my parents. The Freudian slip, or just a slip of the tongue, and having cockroaches in your tea can do that to you. This probably accounts for why my mood was sullen during the rest of the evening. I'm boycotting that place for at least half a year, damnit. As a restaurant, you're supposed to hide these pests from your customers' sight and at the very least APOLOGISE (am not even mentioning compensation) if it gets into their bloody food or drinks. Shit, do I expect too much? It's not as though your food is a ringgit per plate. Damnit. This is a bitch-ramble. I hate these short weekends. I wasn't able to muster the energy to do my work either. Crap, I hate myself. Disgusting-cringe-whimper type of hate. Oh I must beg you to pardon the title, it was too tempting to not put it as so. May you still adore me, Je t' adore, darling dearest. Pooh. I smell farts from the mouth.

Je suis traumatised! Ma chérie.

Natarii

Driving Woes.

2011-01-29T16:40:00.002+08:00

In just less than 6 days, I'd be having the whole house to myself, again. Only this time it'll be for a longer period of time.

Let's see, I think I should be very happy about it for some reason, or so the sentiment goes.

The woes I have would be that I've to drive and cook. Basically, the horror of those daily necessities - washing clothes, looking after the cat, driving, cooking, and cleaning. Throw in having to write a bloody 40% research report and a 20% essay and you get the picture of a very boring life. I should've been born a crab, scuttling away silently under the seas

Chinese New Year has no significance for the Chinese anymore other than to fulfill some materialistic desires. Pfft.

I want my Fridays with no classes back. Screw having to join with other batches. I actually feel like a horrible senior for having not an ounce of knowledge about the younger batches but oh well. I hate enough people anyways.

It's times like these I wish I had a driver of some sort. It's times like these I wish my mind didn't exist. It's times like these...

Half-assed work. Half-assed researches. Half-assed life.

Natarii

Interview With Minekura Kazuya (Saiyuubito)

2011-01-23T14:34:00.004+08:00

I got this awesome translation of an interview with Minekura from Konnyaku Honyaku. I love the person for it.

This taken from her blog exactly as it is. Be warned, it's superbly long.

Here's the complete interview! Minekura Sensei talks about what made her become a manga-ka in the first place, her creative process, her impressions of the Sanzo Ikkou, and more

This is a special interview about the production of the series. The shocking truth about “the secret birth story of ‘Saiyuki’” and “the models for the Sanzo Ikkou” are revealed.

The secret story of “Saiyuki” told by Minekura Kazuya

Before we enter the “Saiyuki” talk, please tell us what made you become a manga-ka.

[Minekura]: I liked drawing ever since I was little. Coincidentally, an illustrator opened a drawing classroom in my neighborhood, and I took lessons there from my last year in preschool until I was in 6th grade. I did sketching and oil painting and such. That isn’t to say that I learned them. Since I was a child, the teacher had the policy “You don’t have to draw well, just draw what you like.” Truly I only drew whatever caught my fancy, but it was fun.

I liked drawing, but I also knew that my drawings were “no good”…… So when I was in elementary school I was already thinking, “It might be impossible for me to be a manga-ka,” and I was already vaguely disappointed (laughs).

Even so, I dreamed of having a creative job of any sort. So I thought, “If I can’t draw, how about writing!” and when I was in middle school I set my sights on becoming a novelist. But a middle school student lacking in life experiences doesn’t have much to write about. I would read what prize-winning adults wrote in magazines and think, “I can’t write this kind of stuff!” That’s a matter of course now (laughs). In the end, around the beginning of 9th grade I got depressed thinking “I guess I can’t create novels yet, either……” And then, I finally realized. What I was lacking was none other than “experience” (laughs).

Even so, I wanted to “create” no matter what. Anything was fine, manga or novels, photo journalism or even dance.

When I entered high school, the first thing I did was make a manga club. When I invited manga-ka-hopefuls, there were only 2 others, so I forced friends who didn’t draw manga to join and make up the rest. At the same time I was also part of the theatre club. I joined because I really wanted to do backstage work, but they didn’t need stage sets, and the faculty advisor told me “Scripts and directing are not something students do,” so I quit (laughs). I was also interested in photo journalism, but there wasn’t even a photo lab.

But when my high school life actually started…… I had more fun playing and didn’t really draw any manga (laughs). I mean, when you hit high school suddenly the world becomes a little bit bigger, and interesting. Forget manga, I even skipped school and went off somewhere. That’s how I lazily spent a whole year.

When I became a junior, 4 new students joined the club. I was surprised that they were all good at drawing manga. So I thought, “Crap, I gotta get serious and draw some manga too!” It was like, “I ain’t gonna lose!”

By the way, it’s surprising but at that point I hadn’t yet drawn an actual manga…… (laughs). I’d drawn scenarios, and pictures, but then it was like, “…… So, how do you draw manga?” (laughs). I didn’t know anything about how to draw them. I didn’t have much knowledge about my materials, either. But I was the club president and the senior member, so I couldn’t very well say, “I don’t know how.” So I just copied…… and jerkily began drawing an image manga in the club magazine.

And then! Once again faced with drawing manga, I became interested in it again! It’s all a conglomeration of creativity. You make the story, you draw the images (of people and objects, from various angles), you script the characters (give them lines and blocking), you even do directing (including camera work)…… In other words, it was like I was the general manager with no one above me (laughs). “Ah, this is what I want to do,” I thought. “It’s really difficult, but I definitely want to do this!” …… I still hadn’t drawn an actual manga yet though (laughs), but I decided I wouldn’t hold back anymore.

Talk about your post-graduation future comes up when you’re a junior. Not only your school, but your parents start to ask you, “What are you going to do with your life?” I had no urge to join the workforce, but I usually didn’t study enough to go on to college (laughs). Actually, I was an idiot on the verge of not knowing whether I’d graduate or not. I wasn’t a notorious bad girl, but I was a notorious idiot…… (laughs).

Of course, there was no way my parents would be satisfied with me, who had absolutely no experience, saying “I want to be a manga-ka.” I’d sort of been invited by some friends to “go to a design-type school after graduation,” so that’s what I planned to do. To get my parents to be satisfied with that, I had to put up a front of “I’m trying my best for my future.” So I panicked and drew one manga, and had it published in a magazine. That one was “BROTHER”.

So contributions to magazines are part of job hunting?

[Minekura]: Well, up until then I only had the things I’d drawn in my notebook, and the 8-page-long promotion manga (read: practice) that I’d put in the club magazine, so that was the first manga I’d finished…… So I really had no knowledge about how to draw manga. I used to air brush the panels I contributed with thinned black ink (laughs). Even though I’d been working part-time, I ended up spending my entire paycheck on CDs (I was obsessed with music at the time too), so when it came time to draw manga I had no money to buy tones with. I figured, “……eh, this’ll be fine,” and ended up using thinned ink. I don’t believe it (laughs).

In the end I received prize money for my contribution, but the editors told me, “Next time, please use tones.” (laughs) When I think about it now, Comic GENKi was amazing for not only publishing that level of work, but going so far as giving me money for it (laughs). And then, when the publishers asked, “Would you like to try for the prize again?”, I drew “Saiyuki”, and received prize money for it, too. After that, I drew several “BROTHER” one-shots for Comic GENKi, and I was able to get some work from Tokuma Shoten publishing company…… Before I knew it I graduated from the one year junior college.

Around that time my work load wasn’t very heavy, any my manga was so horribly bad I wanted to cry. So I declared, “…… Alright, training!” Suddenly one day I got an idea, and started a doujinshi. I’m naturally lazy, so I decided to force myself into a corner where I had to draw and train. After all, if I paid money to participate in an event, I couldn’t very well not draw (laughs). The genre was creation, and from then I began drawing “Saiyuki,” “WILD ADAPTER,” and “BUS GAMER”.

I was selling doujinshi at an event when someone from the editorial section of G-Fantasy approached me. And so I wrote a “Saiyuki” one-shot for G-Fantasy…… 6 months after that, serialization began in earnest.

Did you learn manga techniques at the junior college you attended after graduating high school?

[Minekura]: No, not at all…… I ended up majoring in illustration at the junior college. That was a course designed for people aiming to draw for novels, or become illustrators. When I entered the junior college I’d already debuted as a manga-ka to an extent, and I worried that majoring in the manga-ka course would be kind of awkward, so I joined the illustration course…… (laughs). Even so, I learned a lot. Day after day I would draw large-sized assignments with colored pencils. At the time I loved Yamagata Atsushi [山形厚史]-san’s illustrations. Moreover, the reason I chose Comic GENKi to send my contributions to is because I was obsessed with the OVA “THE Hakkenden” [THE八犬伝]*, for which Yamagata-san had done the character designs…… There was also the fact that I liked “Nansou Satomi Hakkenden” [南総里見八犬伝]* to begin with, and Comic GENKi was the one that serialized the manga. At the time, it was the only manga magazine I bought.

* ‘THE Hakkenden’ OVA and the ‘Nansou Satomi Hakkenden’ manga are both based on Kyokutei Bakin [曲亭馬琴]’s epic novel, “Nansou Satomi Hakkenden”. It tells the story of 8 samurai brothers in the Warring States period.

When you drew “Saiyuki” as your second contribution, was that the story’s first appearance?

[Minekura]: I first drew “Saiyuki” as it appears now in my high school manga club magazine. But the basis of the Sanzo Ikkou was a group of four high school students from a school-type story I thought up in middle school. I had an idea to do ‘Hsi Yu Ki’ at the school festival in that story, and made those four act the roles of the Sanzo Ikkou. But then I thought, “……this way might be more interesting,” and I scrapped the school setting. “Saiyuki” was born from that. That was when I was in high school, I think. Incidentally the reason I chose “Hsi Yu Ki” as my theme was simply that I happened to catch “Nobita’s Parallel Hsi Yu Ki” [のび太のパラレル西遊記] on TV, and when I saw the “Doraemon” characters doing a parody of “Hsi Yu Ki” I wanted to try it with my characters (laughs). Ever since I was a child I’ve always loved the “Hsi Yu Ki” TV drama.

It was at this stage that the “Gojyo = woman-lover” and “Goku = big eater” basic personalities were finished. Just, Sanzo was the “good natured” type, a friendly man (laughs). If I have to say, Hakkai was more the “smiling but aloof” type. The entire manga had a much lighter feeling than it does now; it was closer to being a comedy.

Moving on, I’d like to ask about the models for the Sanzo Ikkou. Why did you decide to make four men the main characters?

[Minekura]: Fundamentally, my manga all have male protagonists…… (laughs). As for the four person –structure, to be honest I first modeled them after Horibe Keisuke [堀部圭亮]-san and CHA-CHA*. The numbers don’t add up, but after playing around and wondering what would happen if I mixed this guy and that guy’s personalities, I settled on four people.

Of course, that was nothing more than a reference, with nothing to do with outward appearances. In one meaning, the first model for Goku was CHA-CHA’s Katsumata Kunikazu [勝俣州和]-san (explosive laugh). Sanzo’s orginal setting as “quiet and good natured” came about because Nishio Takumi [西尾拓美]-san from the same group CHA-CHA was his base model. Incidentally, Nishio-san has a mole on his forehead too (laughs). Gojyo’s basis Kino Masato [木野正人]-san was also a back up dancer for Tahara Toshihiko [田原俊彦]**, and is a lady-killer –type character. And Hakkai’s basis was Horibe-san. At the time, Horibe-san appeared with thick, green-black glasses and an intellectual look, and that image carried over into Hakkai.

However, as I said earlier, their characters and visuals have changed again and again, until they became how they are now. This can be said about any manga, but there is always a person who triggers the birth of the characters who appear in my manga. However, that person is nothing more than a frame, or something for me to say, “Let’s add his image to his, go!”

* Horibe Keisuke is an actor and broadcasting writer.
CHA-CHA is a boy band formed in 1988. There are currently(?) 4 members including the leader Katsumata Kunikazu and Nishio Takumi. Kino Masato retired from the band in 1990.
** Tahara Toshihiko is a singer/actor associated with Johnnys.

So that’s how the four characters were born, the stage was changed from present-day Japan to ancient China, and “Saiyuki” was born.

[Minekura]: That’s right. I’ve already talked about the characters’ base models, but for me, there are many cases wherein I take an Utautai-san song and use that as a basis to create a manga’s entire image. For example, in “WILD ADAPTER” I think up the world view by imagining the safety of this song and thing song as the basis.

When I was in high school, the song that decided the path of “Saiyuki” was B’z’s “RUN”. But it ended up being an incredibly easy-to-guess basis, and ever after I’ve been getting comments from readers saying, “It’s like ‘RUN’, isn’t it” (pained smile). In actuality there are a couple songs; B’z’s “WILDLOAD” is one of them, and the Chinese flavor comes from a 135 song, but in the end the one that decided the path was “RUN”. The songs I’m inspired by continue to increase in number. I love listening to music, so I think they’ll increases hereafter. I don’t care about genre. I’d like my manga to grow like that, too.

* B’z “RUN” lyrics (Romanized Japanese and English translation) and YouTube video Don’t ask me about what they’re wearing

What kind of story was the “Saiyuki” you wrote in high school?

[Minekura]: It was about the same as “Saiyuki” chapter one. Truthfully, I’ve written “Saiyuki”’s first chapter three times total. The first time, in the one-shot in the club magazine, when Sanzo receives the order from the Three Aspects, the other three join in saying, “I’m going too!” and proceed to fight youkai on the spot. The version I submitted to the magazine changed the completely comedic tone of the first into a more story-like thing. I changed the one-shot published in G-Fantasy so that it starts when Sanzo and Goku begin their journey, and the scenes in the Palace of the Setting Sun are flash backs.

That one-shot story won favorable reviews, and “Saiyuki” was set to be serialized, correct?

[Minekura]: Thankfully, yes. Up until then I had been drawing “JUST!!” as a series of one-shots, but this was my first serial work.

How did you feel when you first stated serialization?

[Minekura]: It was a “……If I don’t get this right, I’ll die,” feeling (laughs). At the time I was still drawing manga from my parents’ house, because I had no money. This probably sounds weird, but I thought, “I don’t think I’ll ever draw a story as catchy as ‘Saiyuki’!” I’m actually someone who wants to draw a dark, daaaaark story (laughs). But the strange thing was, I hadn’t properly thought of the story after the first chapter…… (laughs). I’d thought, “I want to serialize my work!” but I hadn’t thought of what to do once the serialization was confirmed. It’s amazing – I haven’t changed since high school (laughs). I can tell you now: that scene in the first chapter where all the characters’ pasts are shown in a flash back, that was all a lie. After that chapter, I made up stories to match the images (laughs). For example, I hadn’t thought of making Gojyo a “crimson-eyed and crimson-haired child of taboo” at the first chapter stage. At the time, I only knew that they must have all had something happen to them in the past, and even though serialization hadn’t been confirmed I ended up spewing some hot air (laughs). I just hoped people would see it as a preview manga, and find it amusing…… How can I say this, my brain’s kind of rotted (laughs).

So when the serialization was confirmed, I stumbled over the developments of chapter two. All I had was the rough idea “the four of them ride in a Jeep, bickering while they travel, and when they’re attacked by youkai, they fight.” The only images that popped up in my head were promotion video-type things lining up key situations without context. It was then that I finally realized the extremely obvious: I should have thought of the story from chapter one (laughs). The first thing I thought was…… “How reckless could I be?” (laughs). Month after month I created this continuing story, but as soon as I’d finished drawing one issue and thinking “I wonder if my readers’ll be surprised by this ending,” I had to draw the continuation in the next issue. I thought, “Ah, this is hard,” but I am a notorious idiot, after all (laughs).

I see. So, if for example you laid out a difficult problem, you yourself had to be ready with a solution.

[Minekura]: Uh-huh (laughs). So, issue after issue I created the story like I was playing chase, thinking of the next plot as soon as the current one ended. Well, that’s…… even now it’s the same (laughs). Thanks to always continuing in this way, I came to realize that if I work hard, somehow or other it’ll all come together (laughs).

I don’t get a haphazard impression from each episodes’ developments from outset to climax, or from the weighty lines the characters say……

[Minekura]: Or course, I have themes and lines I want the characters to say from the beginning, but only the key lines or important lines pop up in my head. So next I think, “What kind of incident will match, what kind of scene can I introduce so that this line will have the most impact?” In actuality, this process of creating a story is quite long. It doesn’t pop up easily, so it’s a creation I have to dig out of my head bit by bit. It’s difficult (laughs).

“Saiyuki” had a large impact on the readers; it became popular soon after serialization began. So from the standpoint of your editors too you must have stood apart from the other new authors.

[Minekura]: On top of this being my first serial work, I was even allowed my first color center fold since my first one-shot piece! But, I hadn’t drawn a color piece for a commercial magazine before that, so I didn’t even know what size paper to use. When I asked my then-manager, I was told, “Any size will be fine,” so even though a B5-size image was to be published, I ended up drawing on a huge B2-size board (laughs). The pieces I did at junior college were all that size. And the person who came to pick up the manuscript brought a B4-size portfolio (laughs). “……It, it’s big……” he was surprised. I was surprised too (laughs).

* B5 = 182cm x 257 cm (approx. 7in x 10 in)
B2 = 515 cm x 728 cm (approx. 20 in x 29 in)
B4 = 257 cm x 364 cm (approx. 14 in x 20 in)

You drew around seven roughs the first time you drew the magazine cover, right?

[Minekura]: That was because it was my first time drawing a magazine cover. I didn’t receive an answer for a while when I faxed the rough to the editor, so I jumped to the conclusion that they didn’t like the one I showed them (laughs). So like an idiot, I just kept sending image after image until I received a reply. So troublesome (laughs).

When did you get an assistant?

[Minekura]: For a while after serialization began, I got help from my juniors and my friends. Around the time the 3rd book was being fixed I began “Araiso Private High School Student Council Executive Committee”, and I realized it was impossible to continue on like that, so I recruited an assistant and got Suzuki Jirou-chan to join me.

After that, you began working with Suzuki Jirou-san, Mizutani Yuzu-san, and Seino Keiya-san, yes? Did everyone get along well?

[Minekura]: Yes, but when I think about it the four of us weren’t together for very long. Speaking in terms of manga volumes, it was only the 7th and 8th volumes, so just about one year.

It was just a little before that the OVA and TV anime were created, right? The start was a survey taken by an Animate store worker asking “What story would you like to see turned into a TV anime?” When the results came in, first place was a Shounen Jump story, and second place was “Saiyuki”. The entire editorial section took the results into account and began working on this project.

[Minekura]: It was like a dream. When I first heard talk about turning it into an anime, I couldn’t believe it for a while.

We’ve found that one of the shared trials of writers whose stories undergo the change to an anime is the increase in color illustration work. How did you fare on this point?

[Minekura]: Well, I shouldn’t say it like this, but there were portions of those illustrations that were drawn only on momentum…… (laughs). It was quite the training. I had to persuade myself, “You can do it! You can do it, Minekura!” (laughs)

The editorial section has the impression that you’re quick with color images, and they received about 10 pieces a month from you, right?

[Minekura]: I paid attention to the balance between the four guys while drawing, but halfway through I would get impatient and complain, “There’s no composition anymore……” (laughs) But I like drawing color illustrations, and even now I happily draw them.

”Saiyuki Gaiden” (hereafter “Gaiden”) began after the OVA, correct?

[Minekura]: That’s right, it began at the most hectic time (laughs). To put it in terms of “Saiyuki”, it was right around the 6th book. It was the first press of the 6th volume that had the “TV anime begins” belt…… So I started “Gaiden” at the period when I was most lacking in time and people (laughs). I talked to my manager about “Gaiden”’s overall plot, and when I said, “I’d like to write it somewhere, but there’s no point to drawing it after “Saiyuki” has finished……”, he said, “Then let’s run it at the same time.” I wanted to concretely link the main story and the side story, so we decided running it at the same time would be the best course.

Do you have memories of the characters who appeared in “Saiyuki” before you entered the “Saiyuki RELOAD” (hereafter “RELOAD”) story? For example, what do you think of the main enemies of the first half, Chin Yisou and Rikudou?

[Minekura]: Chin Yisou has a special sort of popularity…… It probably has a lot to do with his part in Hakkai’s back story, but it seems like he had an especially strong impact on Hakkai’s fans.

Chin Yisou’s main origin was a color sticker from my “Saiyuki” doujinshi days. There was a little space left over after I drew the illustration of the four guys, so I thought, “Guess I’ll draw a bad guy-type character.” The creepy fortune teller who hints at the four’s destination was Chin Yisou. At the time that was all he was; he didn’t even have a name, and I soon forgot about him. But eventually when I thought, “Maybe I’ll start drawing Hakkai’s past,” I saw that sticker by chance and decided, “Ah, I’ll make this guy be the bad guy” (laughs). His appearance in the 3rd volume was exactly that.

In the same way, Rikudou was a character whose story was created around his visuals. At first I thought of him as a normal enemy character who had fuda charms pasted all over his body, but when I thought about why those charms were pasted on him it turned into Sanzo’s back story and became a more and more important tale (laughs).

Unlike Chin Yisou and Rikudou, the Kougaiji group were “Saiyuki” characters from the start. They appeared in their entirety as the Sanzo group’s rivals in the work I submitted to Comic GENKi. Just, because I first thought of it as a more comical story, every time the Kougaiji group would appear and say, “We won’t let you pass!”, they would proceed to get beaten…… They were stupid characters like Zakuro is now (laughs). Currently, Kougaiji and the others are “well-bred, stinking serious characters” to contrast with the vulgarity of Sanzo and the others. Although this was a modification made so you wouldn’t know who the bad guys were, Sanzo and the others have been fixed as the main characters, so Kougaiji and the others don’t appear so much…… (laughs).

On the Gyuumaoh side, Nii Jienyi / Ukoku Sanzo pulls the strings; how was this character born?

[Minekura]: I think Professor Nii first appeared in the final chapter of “Saiyuki” volume 3, but at that stage he was only one of three professors at Houtou Castle, a self-absorbed middle-aged guy (laughs). He was nobody, just a science dude. I thought he would breeze on scene every now and then as Gyokumen Koshu’s lover, but one day it seemed like a waste. I believe it was around the 7th volume that I decided he was actually a Sanzo. He got a huge promotion (laughs). So saying, his appearances increased and before I knew it he’d evolved into a character with too much background. Even I thought, “There’s no way this guy’s just ‘some middle-aged guy’.” (laughs) So when I started drawing the Kami-sama arc, I’d already decided that Professor Nii was actually a Sanzo.

However, I didn’t know Professor Nii was behind Kami-sama when I started drawing the Kami-sama arc (laughs). That’s because I began drawing the arc just so I could put in a story of the Sanzo Ikkou’s defeat. Midway through, when Kami-sama began talking about his “Teacher” I thought, “Maybe he’s talking about Professor Nii?” (laughs). In the beginning of volume 8 Sanzo says “I met another Sanzo Priest once before”; I remember drawing that scene with the thought, “……If I draw this scene, I’ll have to bring up Professor Nii = Sanzo Priest.”

I digress, but the prize the Sanzo Ikkou received at Kami-sama’s castle was supposed to be an invitation to Houtou Castle. After opening it and reading Professor Nii’s message, Sanzo was supposed to rip it up and the pieces would float away into the sky above Jeep, but that scene was cut due to page restrictions. I still regret it a little.

The Kami-sama arc turned into a longer episode than expected, didn’t it.

[Minekura]: It was supposed to be a story like the shounen manga ones where you have to clear each floor to get to the top, but at the meeting stage it turned into a “It takes forever to get to the top floor” story (laughs). In the end I let it go with lines from a 3-panel comic or something. Such extreme stage direction (laughs). Even so, even omitting the Kinkaku/Ginkaku arc the Kami-sama arc took 2 volumes, even though one episode of “Saiyuki” took an average of 3-4 chapters. It was a series I drew with all my might, in many senses.

And so you continued the story in “RELOAD”, but you didn’t show the Sanzo Ikkou’s faces until midway through the first chapter.

[Minekura]: That’s right. I wanted to draw a story where the four would appear just as the readers wondered “When are Sanzo and the others gonna show up?!” I figured it was something I could only do the first time the series ran in a new magazine. When you open the comic, their faces are right there on the color page in the beginning, but when it actually ran in the magazine there was no color page in the beginning, and even on the color image I purposely only drew their backs. I wanted a strong, “They’ve come back!!” impression. Even though there may have been first-time readers too (laughs).

The first chapter of “RELOAD” takes place a few days after the Kami-sama arc, correct?

[Minekura]: That was the plan. I’d changed their costumes, after all. So to make sure people knew about the change, I included a lot of full-body images in the first chapter (laughs).

About the individual outfits: first, I didn’t change anything about Sanzo other than his shoes. There was no reason to. Gojyo’s entire color scheme changed, so at first glance he seems to have changed the most. Up until then he’d looked like a “country gang member”, so I decided to make him into a “calm punk” (laughs). I had planned to do a snowy mountain story, so I gave up on the no sleeves. Goku’s pants changed, and his cape got considerably longer. I made Hakkai un-tuck his now short-sleeved tunic and wear a long-sleeved undershirt. He uses chi in battle, but his previous clothes didn’t have many parts that flowed in the wind, so showing movement was difficult. I wanted clothes that would show the flowing of the wind a bit more, so I changed it to this look. It was the same with Goku’s cape. The theme of the “RELOAD” costumes was “Feel the flow of the wind” (laughs).

From chapter two onwards, new situations like “first snow” and “first river” continue, yes?

[Minekura]: That’s right. At any rate, with “RELOAD” I try to match the trials to what the Sanzo Ikkou hasn’t experienced yet. I’m looking for things I haven’t made them do yet, like a “My First ___” series. So there are many scenes where Goku exclaims “Wow!” and I think there are many more to come. In the second volume there was the “first time Jeep is the main character” story, too.

I wanted to draw so many of the Sanzo Ikkou’s expressions. I wanted to draw the parts of the Sanzo Ikkou that were “unlike them,” while remaining true to their “selves”. I hoped the scenes would be taken not as “This isn’t ___!” but as “Ah, so he has this facet to him, too.” I wanted to show more of their raw characters.

Who was that in the tree at the end of the fake Sanzo Ikkou story?

[Minekura]: He appears in “Saiyuki OFFLOAD” as well. He must be an important person in the coming developments, even though I still don’t know his name (laughs).

After that, they battle the brainwashed Kougaiji and the others, and from the middle of volume three we enter the Past arc (aka. the “Burial arc”). This was the Moon series, wasn’t it?

[Minekura]: At that time something within me insisted, “I have to write this now.” It would be a foothold for the story I would write after. There were those among my readers who wondered, “Why is she writing this story here and now?” but Ukoku’s and Banri’s stories especially would open the way for the Hazel arc next.

You said you wanted to draw the connection between Koumyou and Ukoku too, yes?

[Minekura]: I did want to draw it. From about the time Ukoku appeared in the Kami-sama arc I began thinking about Koumyou and Ukoku’s relationship, and a fire lit within me (laughs). “Well then, let’s line up everyone’s pasts in one go. I’ll put them in an omnibus with the moon and the night, light and dark as the theme.” In this case the “light” was Koumyou, so I went with the image “A tiny light, illuminating the path in the middle of pitch-black loneliness.”

Gojyo and Hakkai’s stories ended up together, but I had planned to draw them separately. I was going to draw the same story twice, once from Gojyo’s point of view, and once from Hakkai’s. But then I realized that these two together are like the moon and the night, front and back, and made the stories into one. That way there’s no discrimination (laughs). After recording the Burial arc drama CD, during their free talk Gojyo’s actor Hirata-san and Hakkai’s actor Ishida-san said “How come ours were the only stories combined?” “We two probably go together as a set.” That sounded like something Gojyo and Hakkai would really say, and without thinking my chest got tight. Although that was probably just me (laughs).

And so we return to the present, and enter the current Hazel arc, yes? I wonder what kind of developments are in store for us.

[Minekura]: I think the Hazel arc will continue for a while. I get the feeling I said this when you asked about the Kami-sama arc, but the Hazel arc will be an important, and difficult episode for the Sanzo Ikkou.

And “Gaiden” revives, running alongside “RELOAD.” Here, too, we begin with a rather driven scene where the characters are trapped in the palace, surrounded by more than 2000 soldiers. The tale entered its latter half, and the narration switched to the sight-seer position of the Dragon King. The climax is coming up. I can’t wait to draw it.

You have the developments of “RELOAD” following the Hazel arc solidified to an extent, yes?

[Minekura]: Pretty soon I’d like them to steadily continue West so, even though it’s still rough I have decided on the episodes up until the final inning. But recently when I was discussing with my manager the developments up to the final episode, we discovered that it would take at the very least 20 more volumes to cover all the content (explosive laugh). It took close to 10 years to draw the 14 books I have. How many more years is this gonna go on…… (laughs). The Sanzo Ikkou’s journey in the original “Hsi Yu Ki” only took 14 years (laughs).

According to your plans, the itinerary is over halfway finished; can we expect the Sanzo Ikkou to continue to face more severe battles after this?

[Minekura]: Yes, but I want to do it without ever forgetting the light stories, or the Sanzo Ikkou’s light attitudes. One of the important characters may die. Well, there is a certain character who, according to the plans should have died, but is still alive, so until we get to that point, who knows?

One of the plans I’d thought of before was that Goku and the others’ power would slowly lose its effectiveness. They can’t always shout “Hiyaa!” and attack with brute strength (laughs). Usually in shounen manga, the main character’s skills increase as the story progresses, but these guys haven’t changed at all since “Saiyuki” volume one (laughs). I figure it’s about time they power up and get their finishing moves (laughs). …… To begin with, “Saiyuki”s main themes are ‘strength’ and ‘weakenss’ in a psychological theory sense, so actual strength or skills aren’t a focus. Next up I would like to create a wall that can’t be overcome with mental theories alone and requires something practical.

Now I’d like to step away from “Saiyuki” for a little bit. Minekura Sensei, you wrote a comparison in this book between “Hsi Yu Ki” and “Saiyuki”; did you like the ancient “Hsi Yu Ki” from before?

[Minekura]: I really liked the famous “Hsi Yu Ki” TV drama, the one directed by Natsume Masako [夏目雅子], but I didn’t know much about “Hsi Yu Ki” itself. After “Saiyuki”s serialization was set, I flipped through a book about the original. Conversely, if I had properly read through the original earlier, I don’t think I would have been able to come up with this crazy story (laughs). As I’ve stated before, “Saiyuki”s worldview was solidified at a fairly early stage, but after gaining knowledge about the original, every now and then there are parts that surreptitiously link to the original, like a little game. But I think perhaps they’re too surreptitious and no one notices (laughs).

The original “Hsi Yu Ki” is famous in Japan as one of China’s four great classics, but I hear that there are in fact readers of “Saiyuki” who don’t know about “Hsi Yu Ki”?

[Minekura]: That’s right. When I first began drawing, I did it with the idea that, as a parody of “Hsi Yu Ki”, a completely broken Sanzo Ikkou would be the entire focus of the story. So, there’s not much to be done when told, “I don’t know the basis” (laughs). I heard things like “I heard there was an original – what’s the title?” (laughs) and “I found it in the school library, but when I read it Sanzo was completely different. It was disappointing”…… (laughs). “I see, I see, I totally didn’t think that there would be people who didn’t know the original,” I thought (laughs). And conversely there seem to be a lot of people who think “Gaiden” has a basis in Chinese lore. I asked my assistant’s child about this, and I was told, “Huh? It’s an original story? The original doesn’t have the adventures of the Sanzo Ikkou’s past lives, too?” For more in-depth information, please read the “’Hsi Yu Ki’ and ‘Saiyuki’ Comparative Analysis” corner.

For those who know “Hsi Yu Ki”, the scene where Goku is born from the rock and the scene where he graffitis on the Buddha’s hand readily come to mind, but I think those who know the details of Goku’s adventures before meeting Sanzo are surprisingly few in number.

[Minekura]: I think you’re right. I was the same, after all. The “Hsi Yu Ki” mainly remembered in Japan begins with Goku’s birth and continues with his meeting Sanzo, and the Sanzo Ikkou’s adventures on their journey to India, but in actuality the episodes where Goku runs wild by himself before Sanzo appears on scene make up the entire first half of the story. In China, it seems that the story of Goku running wild by himself in heaven is more famous than the story of the journey to India. Nataku and Goku are treated as two great heroes, based on Nataku’s meeting with Goku and their combined popularity. Because of that, I figured I had to properly draw out a story regarding Nataku in “Gaiden”.

Earlier you spoke about your surprise at the content of fan letters. Do the readers’ responses influence the developments of the story?

[Minekura]: No, not really. Only once though, when the Burial arc was running and Hakkai hadn’t had an appearance for several months, I received a letter saying, “If Hakkai doesn’t come back I’m gonna stop reading”, and I seriously panicked (laughs). But even so, it doesn’t really influence the story…… I receive a lot of letters from readers requesting things like “Make Sanzo do __”, or “Make __ happen to Hakkai”, or “Put in more of __”, and there is simply no way I can concede to all those desires (laughs). I feel very badly about that though, and of course I’m grateful that readers love the characters. But Minekura Kazuya will continue to draw the things that Minekura Kazuya wants to draw. I will draw the path the Sanzo Ikkou should take as it is. It may seem high-handed (laughs), but I don’t want to see a Sanzo Ikkou that does whatever anyone tells them to do. Although I suppose I’m to blame for someone not having many appearances? (laughs) I can only make excuses by saying “I can’t help it, they chose that path!” I only provide the stage; the rest is all their own actions.

Another thing I get a lot of is letters pleading “Please don’t bully him.” Even at signing events I’m told, “Make their journey as pleasant as possible,” and “Please don’t let them get hurt.” …… But you know, they’re on a really dangerous journey, of course they’re going to get hurt (laughs). Traveling together all friendly and happy and healthy, that doesn’t make a good story…… Although it’s true that I do have a bit of a sadistic side (laughs). I have a rule that characters I like must eventually cough up blood or get hurt (laughs). During the River arc Goku was my favorite, so he ended up all alone and beat up. The reason why recently, Hakkai’s health has gone down and the scenes where he is driven into a corner* have continued is clearly because I’ve begun to favor Hakkai (laughs). Please think of the reason why, as appearances increase so too do the injuries, as a natural occurrence. …… Well, in Gojyo’s case he always has a hard time of it, even when I don’t favor him (laughs). I guess Gojyo’s just easy to draw, or he carries the weight of my love every day and is prone to getting into bad circumstances (laughs). I just hope that the Gojyo fans understand that I am certainly not making light of him (laughs).

* Minekura Sensei uses the term “tenparu” [テンパる], the verb created from the mahjong term “tenpai” [聴牌], meaning a player is one tile short of a winning hand.

Minekura Sensei, what is it about Gojyo that you like?

[Minekura]: What should I say, it’s his wretchedness (laughs). Out of the four of them, he’s the most useless; even though he takes a defiant attitude, he has normal sensibilities (laughs). Out of the four, Gojyo is the one who puts up a front the most and pretends to be a bad guy, but no matter how you think about it he’s the nicest guy. It’s cute (laughs). I was told by a reader once that “You have to be over 25 years old to understand how good Gojyo is,” (laughs) and in actuality many of those who say “I like Gojyo” are over 20 years old. Moreover everyone says “Viva good-for-nothing! (laughs)” …… they know him well (laughs). Conversely, when I hear, “I adore Sanzo! And I like Hakkai! And I like Goku! But I don’t like Gojyo,” I wonder “Did Gojyo do something wrong?” (laughs). He’s always helping everyone, but he takes the lead in attacking enemies so he’s the first one to be injured. While he represents the Ikkou and sacrificing himself, the other three think “He’s an idiot so he jumps in right away.” He’s a wretched, and beloved man (laughs).

Now, please tell us about your impressions of the other three. How about we start from Sanzo?

[Minekura]: Sanzo is, in a phrase, a “charismatic grandpa.” He’s like a selfish, stubborn old man who usually broods with a dark face, and utters things like “I’m not eating this stuff” (laughs). Even though everyone secretly thinks “He’s so annoying,” they know that he’s full of life experiences and knowledge, and he’s dignified (laughs). Objectively speaking, it’s good I made Sanzo beautiful and young, or else he’d be seen like that old man……

Describing him like this, I’m gonna get scolded by his fans again, aren’t I? (laughs) It’s a loving opinion.

Sanzo has peculiar tastes regarding food. Are they Minekura Sensei’s tastes?

[Minekura]: No, no, definitely not (laughs). That was just to make sure Sanzo wasn’t too cool. He’s the type to always knit his eyebrows, so I didn’t want him to put on airs normally. I just wanted him to have it together in the places he needed to be, but other than that there needed to be something the other three could make fun of Sanzo with, saying “Hey, there’s definitely something weird about this guy.” The absolute leader is Sanzo, but I didn’t want to create a psychological hierarchy among the four. I wanted the other three to be able to boo Sanzo to his face. In actuality I drew the trigger scene in the Kami-sama arc intending the feeling, “The real fight’s coming up, and they’re talking about ramen?!” So I asked the people in the editorial section what they put in their ramen, and mayonnaise was one of the weirdest things. I didn’t think there would be such a fuss over Sanzo’s mayo ramen (laughs).

There were a lot of “What else does Sanzo put mayonnaise on?” questions in the past Q&A

[Minekura]: I suppose it’s because in the “anniversary” chapter at the end of “RELOAD” volume three, I wrote that Sanzo also puts mayonnaise on his sashimi (laughs). I was beating a dead horse with a stick. In fact, there’s even a bottle of mayonnaise left on the table after they’re done eating (laughs). It’s like, “What, that’s you own personal bottle?!” (laughs). We joke that he hides it in his sleeve with his gun. Incidentally, among the other things that were brought up, the one who likes damp things is Suzuki Jirou, and I’m the one who likes flat soda. I work whatever the people around me say into the story. I have confidence in that sort of memory stock. I’m often told by those around me “I get depressed whenever I remember that all the things I want you to forget, you remember” (laughs).

All right, next, please tell us about your impressions of Goku.

[Minekura]: Goku is, in a phrase, a “healing idiot.” But it’s not good if people get fed up with his purity. Goku’s actions aren’t ruled by a sense of justice, but by the criterion of his own heart. He asserts himself when he wants to, and he makes it known when he’s dissatisfied. Fundamentally, he isn’t very patient. The phrase “Don’t wait” was made with Goku in mind. He doesn’t follow logic, so if you look at him from the outside he’s a child and a huge idiot, but because he isn’t ruled by logic, he’s strong. I think there are times this is painful for the other three, in a good way. And he sees things surprisingly cool-headedly. Some of his small gestures make me think, “Goku’s actually kinda cool, huh?” For example, when I first brought up the mayonnaise thing, Goku was the only one who looked away from Sanzo. That’s one facet of Goku.

Lastly, please tell us about your impressions of Hakkai

[Minekura]: Hakkai is, at any rate, a strange person. His tastes are strange, the things he doesn’t get are strange, and he doesn’t often listen to what others say. That’s why of the four guys, he’s usually the punch line master…… I wonder if the fans’ll get mad at me again. In a previous interview I was asked, “Please don’t say ‘Hakkai’s taste is bad’.” But in “Let’s change clothes” as the end of “RELOAD” volume one, those outfits were clearly Hakkai Sensei’s best works (laughs).

Speaking about taste, Hazel actually has strange hobbies too, so Hakkai might feel a sense of rivalry with him (laughs). I have a clear image of Hazel in a strange outfit, standing in front of a mirror, saying spellbound, “No matter what I wear, it looks good on me!” with Hakkai in the back saying “I won’t lose!” (laughs) …… Did I just turn the Hazel fans against me too? I’m aware that these two are both weird people, so they butt heads.

To add on about Hakkai, he may look cool-headed but is surprisingly hot-tempered. Usually he pretends to be an adult and quiets the other three saying “Now, now” but once he snaps he’s the first one to start a fight. He’s scary enough that the other three step back (laughs). That’s probably why he can associate with these guys without any uncomfortable feelings. He settles his score against the fatality in his past at a rather early stage. In “Saiyuki” volume four’s Chin Yisou arc, he straightens away one of his feelings, so ever since then Hakkai’s rather prone to recklessness. That’s because even though his dark side was exposed to his companions, they’re okay (laughs). It feels like he’s taken a defiant attitude, or changed his attitude. I guess I can call the current Hakkai “a strange person with a new attitude.” He’s incorrigible (laughs).

I believe there are those among your readers who, after reading “Saiyuki,” decided to become manga-ka in the future. What advice do you have for these people?

[Minekura]: The important things are “guts” and “practice”. In the end, drawing manga is a job both hard on the mind and hard on the body. All jobs are difficult, I suppose, but having your hobby for your job requires a certain amount of preparation. There are times when, even though you draw with all your might, you still don’t get any recognition. When that happens, you don’t know what you should do and drawing your next work becomes hard too. But you can’t give up; you need the guts to ride out the storm. It’s something akin to sports tenacity.

I have to tell myself “Stand up! Stand UP!!” (laughs). It’s a fundamentally lonely job. More than turning your own name into a commodity, there’s no way to avoid that sense of loneliness. It doesn’t matter if you have assistants or not. It takes quite a lot of work to finish one manga book – private jobs are generally like that – and there is ample opportunity to be lazy. You have to support yourself. I think if you aren’t sadistic enough to corner yourself and masochistic enough to be cornered, it’ll be hard.

About illustration techniques, I’m not exceedingly talented at it, but if you keep drawing, something will come about. It’s the same with creating manga. You can say it’s all practice. And to get that practice, you have to draw a lot. Draw, get someone to read it, and you can learn a lot.

Other than that………. This is absolutely necessary: experience. Like I stated earlier, the reason I felt like I failed a long time ago was none other than lack of experience. Nothing can be born from nothing. Watch and listen to a lot of things, think about them, and form your own opinions. And then it’ll finally take form. Every experience, even the age I spent drunk on playing and not studying is an irreplaceable asset for me now. The bad tings and the good things, they’re all important experiences I’ve gathered within me.

…… I sound so stuffy (laughs). But I really want them to try their best. Of course, I mean that not only about the people aiming to be manga-ka. Once I got horribly depressed and complained, “I wanna quit being a manga-ka……” I was fairly serious at the time; I was thinking to open a drawing studio for the neighborhood kids, and I was even about to draw out fliers (laughs). I’m the type to act fast once I’ve made up my mind (laughs)…… and then one of the editors…… actually he’s practically Saiyuki’s manager, he told me “Being an author isn’t a ‘job’; it’s a ‘lifestyle’.” “……Hey, what’s up with that, he’s talking like Sanzo,” I thought as his words hit me in the chest (laughs) and I prepared myself. I couldn’t leave after being told such a cool line, so I thought, “Fine, I’ll do it!” (laughs)

I’m fundamentally someone who hates losing. After all, I am the parent who gave birth to the Sanzo Ikkou (laughs).

END.

I love MInekura even more now if it's possible.

Natarii

Nostalgic, Created Dreams

2011-01-22T10:40:00.002+08:00

I must be somewhat obsessed with nostalgia if my dreams are creating nostalgia for me.

(I get that my title means something completely different from what I said above).

Also you should be very tempted to visit here.

Just saying.

I notice it too. That my posts are undeniably shorter and more incoherent and also depression-driven. The power of university and the lack of willpower would do that to one.

I dreamt of being in a carnival. Visiting it really, but they had living quarters for guests. A hotel of sorts. Cottages I would say. Anyhow, I dreamed finding jewelry belonging to my dead mother in one of them drawers. Apparently forgotten when she was rushed out of the place many years ago and were not touched or seen since then. When I found the jewelry I was overcome with nostalgia.

Meh, the power of nostalgia.

Bet you can guess what I should be doing now.

Natarii

On Buzz.

2011-01-22T01:00:00.002+08:00

My mind's a-buzz. I'm torn again. Anne Rice is absorbing me as usual, but I want to get all my assignments over with, as time is a privilege I lack. Or a privilege I don't appreciate enough. I want to read about how wonderfully bisexual Lestat is. How contradictory he is and hate him for it and yet love him too. I want to go without sleep but I know I wouldn't survive the day without it. I'm fooling myself again that I have enough time to do the numerous things I have to do AFTER delving into some vampire love. Did you know that Anne Rice is very good at vampire love? How delicate yet firm the feelings that come across. When I say vampire love please don't shortcut to anything to do with sexual organs, but more of the intensity of feelings. The way she describes mere physical closeness is better than any sex you'd have read. Eh, I might be infatuated.

I also want to change the template. Ch.

But I also want to finish my work well and well before time.

Sigh, I kill myself.

Natarii

Letting It Pass By

2011-01-18T20:33:00.004+08:00

Y'know how in so many stories in which people are cowardly and foolish? How they don't make use of opportunities for whatever personal, pathetic reason they might have?

Yeah, just saying.

Also, I want to say fuck CC cause there can't be a more boring lecture(r) if I can doze off on the first lesson. Yes, blame everything but thyself. Isn't that always the trend?

My stomach is feeling upset now. It's all tight and is making me nauseous. I feel sick to the stomach, literally. And I know what's causing it and I can't stop it. F___ M__ L___

It's not that life isn't worth living; it's my life that isn't worth living.

Nat

Reeling in Amos.

2011-01-15T03:14:00.002+08:00

My mind, my ears, my auditory cortex... is extremely busy processing Tori Amos (happily). The rest of my brain is absorbing Anne Rice. How many times have I fangirl-ed over Amos and Rice here? Brrr.

This blog is really appropriately named.

Anyhow, I forgot to mention that I finished Lolita some time ago. Humbert Humbert will forever be a most despicable, tortured creature to me. Heck, I don't even like Lolita though it might not be entirely her fault. I don't and never will be able to empathise with pedophiles. Not my area of lenience. Now you know you're seriously screwed in my eyes if you're a pedophile. Also, fuck moe harems. Especially moe harem anime, but what else could I refer to?

If you believe hate for anything has a source, a point of beginning, I'd say you're right.

Words are meaningless, and unforgettable. Make me high, Tori. (That sounds wrong but oh well).

O I also finally watched Rapunzel on Thursday. I love their personalities. Somewhat. Okay, not love, but am rather tickled by it. It was a nice adaptation with its own spark I guess. Putting aside all them viewer friendly must-have aspects, I rather enjoyed the painful humour. A frying pan as a very useful weapon? Completely child-proof eh. Anyhow, twas a humorous watch and I could put my feet up as not many were present then. Flying lanterns make good toys.

I'm having back-to-college blues. Trust me, there're gonna be quite a number of posts about me feeling blue back in college. I expect things. Not necessarily good things. I guess one thing for sure is that all them assignments will be pouring in on the first few days. Sigh, joy. I wish we had only one subject this semester. I can't stand having so little time and so many things to do. If I were to make any resolutions this year, I'd already made them last semester. I still remember what they are, and I'm afraid to write them out because it just makes it all the more disappointing if I can't achieve it. O my cowardly self, you will never change, not if a chainsaw came flying in your direction.

Never was a cornflake girl. Thought it was a good solution. Rabbit, where'd you put the keys girl?

Yaoi yaoi yaoi. Y'know, I think I've desensitised myself or something. The story-lines are all so similar, so mundane. Even the most attractive and beautiful drawings of adequately manly men can't distract me from its poorly wielded story-line and weak characters. Now and then a heartthrob would appear but it'd be a premature emotion, a high before the fall. Fumi Yoshinaga's story-telling skills are excellent though, but her art is sometimes a bit awkward for me. Just a bit. It's time for me to start deleting those that display horrifying art and even more dismaying story-lines.

Everyday, I crucify myself. My heart's sick of being in chains. Chains.

I should be asleep. I want to wake up in the morning, and not afternoon. Sigh. Murakami was right about that. It's so much better to rise with the dawn. There's a certain charm to it, a certain energetic magnetism that starts your day off well, well.

On that note. Goonight.

Goodnight, sweet ladies. Goodnight.

Natarii

Drink the wine and take my hand and let me follow.

2011-01-13T23:55:00.002+08:00

you into the depths of hell, for this shallow hell is not hot enough for me. I want to feel my flesh burn in the black fire, to melt like wax or burn like paper, to smell that delicious perfume of burnt flesh, and to hear it sizzle in the unique way it always does. I want to rejoice in all the physical and mental pain only fire can do to you. I want it to burn away this ugliness.

Oh. Just something that crossed my mind. Results are out again. Tired of them really. Tired of myself really. Would love to complain without it sounding like some whiny bastard, but of course, there will always be people who do worse than you and then you can't complain to them without feeling like a stupid bastard. How bastardy.

Sigh, why are we wired for survival and suffering again?

Tori Amos, sooth my surly soul. "Save me from this evil faith, baby."

Natarii

Screw the title - I'm a-listenin' to instrumentals.

2011-01-13T01:58:00.002+08:00

I had a dream. We all died. I wish.

I am feeling useless right now. As in having useless feelings about everything and nothing. I feel like undergoing an upheaval. As violent as possible please.

Maybe Anne Rice isn't good for the soul - it makes one yearn too much.

Is there such a thing as knowing too much? You may regret what you know, but is it too much? No. My final answer. The judgement: I know too little.

If I entered the world Chihiro entered, I wouldn't eat a thing - disappearing into thin air sure seems like a fun thing to do.

I love snakes. Saw some on DA just now. Love their beautiful skin. Love their eyes. Love their body. Love their poison.

I want to disappear. But that's irrelevant.

On a materialism and comfort note, I got a new mattress as of yesterday. Very thick and comfy indeed. It's calling to me. Calling.

I've been dreaming every night recently. Every single night. And as early as I get up, I go back to sleep immediately to continue the dreams, and when I wake up, I don't remember them anymore. Details trickle away as fast as trying to hold liquid in your hands. I wouldn't categorise these dreams as good or bad, but I remember an unsettled feeling in one of them (yesterday or the day before's). Unsettling feelings aren't pleasant. Not at all. I can't pinpoint anymore.

I feel depressed. You can tell, can't you? If you can't, you must not have noticed how most of my depressed posts (which is many, oh so many) are generally very erratic and contains any number of very short paragraphs depicting negativity of some sort.

Why am I depressed yet again? Very extremely simple reason: holidays are over and results are on the verge of being released.

You know what's the worse thing about the results being released? I can't even pretend I think I'm going to do bad or fail when I'm certain I did bad. I remember those shitty lousy answers I put on the test paper and I lose hope. It's times like these where I wish exams and everything else was non-existent.

Y'know, Anne Rice is killin' me 'eart. Killin' me with 'er glorious, gorgeous characters. Killin' me with me yearnin' for somethin' preternatural. Yes, preternatural. Nice lolling it off one's tongue. As foolish as Danial the devil's minion, I am.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Cause I've nothing better to say. I don't feel better though. No magic left here I guess.

Natarii

South of the Border, West of the Sun

2011-01-11T23:00:00.008+08:00

I don't usually do reviews, as I feel they require pristine organisation and accurate evaluations or interpretations of characters, symbols, and/or behaviours (yeah, why am I in Psych again?), but I'll give it a shot for Murakami, in conjunction with the Murakami Reading Challenge.

The novel I'll be reviewing on is the title of this post - South of the Border, West of the Sun.

I am neither a fan of history nor am I knowledgeable of the prominent issues or environmental factors that could affect a person in post-war Japan. Just saying.

Using first-person narrative, we are introduced to Hajime, an only child (fun fact: Murakami was also brought up as an only child). It starts off with him introducing himself and his home environment - seemingly average in every way. Only that he feels he doesn't belong due to one simple fact: being an only child. This particular theme is evident throughout the book in affecting various situations and is also seemingly the precursor to several events (be it constructive or destructive in nature). The stereotype attached to it and its mere effect on him is shown to shape his personality in the early years, and is also partially why he befriended lame Shimamoto, who affects both his childhood and adulthood tremendously in a most mysterious manner.

Emptiness or longing is another prominent theme that Murakami puts forth. Hajime spends a lot of time fighting, avoiding, replacing, and filling up voids. Not literal voids, but more to do with his mind, emotions, and physical desires. This is especially seen during his separation with Shimamoto right before his teenage years - ah, the said turbulent years of life. Hajime carries on in this fashion and even marries with two children, till Shimamoto appears again. Again, we see him in conflict with his desires and morality - that Freudian scene - all to complete one's self.

It is literally those two themes (and probably many others I fail to properly categorise) that fuels the novel's food for the thought and causes crucial struggles for Hajime. The turmoil that Hajime has to deal with is entertaining in a sympathetic sense and it is the elements of yearning for the forbidden that we can generally empathise with. Or maybe it's the magnetic attraction of the notion that we want what we can't have that draws us in. Maybe it's the 'what ifs' and other possible endings that tantalise us into chasing dreams. Maybe, it's just mid-life crisis. After all, most of the events/turmoil take place when Hajime is middle aged.

Throughout, we are treated to Hajime's musings and philosophy of various matters (if only briefly) like being an only child, opening a bar, infidelity, and other apparently inconsequential matters of life. These are the bits and pieces that deviates Hajime from the rest and yet enables us to identify with him. There are also some rare moments humour, which lightens up the atmosphere (as humour always does) in this otherwise broody narrative.

Now, about the title, South of the Border, West of the Sun actually carries meanings that are explained in the book. 'South of the Border' is a title of a song sung by Nat King Cole (according to the book) of which I can find no evidence of online that he really sang it, but it does have something to do with escape and exoticism, as that is commonly what Mexico would bring to the mind of foreigners, or so I think. West of the Sun is described as a type of madness that would affect farmers and drive them to follow the sun for days - disregarding food, water, and sleep - till they drop dead. In other words, these are appropriate symbolisations of Hajime's destructive desires.

In the end, what might have become an average life biography concentrated on those 'eventful' moments that most go through in life is translated into a meaningful and relatable search for self and fulfillment via a musing - almost miscreant - man, various women, and an extremely mysterious childhood friend.

Though, as most Murakami novels, this does have slightly explicit sexual depictions here and there, so I won't recommended it for children (I'll leave it to you to define children).

A lovely read indeed. However, this time around, I'll honestly say that I wasn't too fond of Hajime, though I sympathised with him somewhat, I felt that his philandering was a bit too conceited of him. Then again, I shouldn't judge. Nonetheless, I can't wait to get to Sputnik Sweetheart now. Maybe I'll even reread his other novels. Meh, if only holidays never ended (seriously).

I admit I have no idea what reviews should be structured like and took a real wild shot at it. Hope there weren't too many spoilers in there, or were there supposed to be? =.=

Natarii

Sink me in the river at dawn.

2011-01-08T03:15:00.004+08:00

I'm not attuned to the difference in music genres, but I think I have a slight affinity for country music. Maybe I just like emotional music. It doesn't always have to be the words that are emotional; though I'm sure most of you already know that. I guess what I'm simply trying to say is that I get hooked on to songs that appeal to me very easily. No, hooked isn't right, more like emotional. I get that dry-throat-tongue-twisted-lips-chapped syndrome due to emotions I won't imagine labeling. Oh, I also get it especially when I'm listening to it alone/ in a quiet environment, at night, or very early in the morning. It's when the repeat function is abused most on my playlist.

BIG NEWS!! Okay, maybe not for you, but just for me: I finally understand the rules of MINESWEEPER! Yeah, big deal for a numbskull, but I've been trying to figure out this game for years and every time I tried to get people to explain it for me, all they said were "look for bombs", "count lah" or "add up the numbers = number of bombs". The HELL no one ever told me that the numbers added up horizontally, vertically, and diagonally to inform you of the bomb coordinates. I finally figured this shit out when I was observing my mother playing it just now. HAH. Just found meself a 'new' addiction to nurture.

I finally got around to watching Sarai-ya Goyou (if you remember, it's the other anime I bought along with Aoi no Bungaku - a bloody awesome adaptation of some Jap tales, though not entirely accurate). It was mildly disappointing. I think I expected more character development as that was what it was about. Though it wasn't as dismal as Utawarerumono, I was left unsatisfied and hungering for more. However, I can't deny that the two main characters were not well developed - maybe I just want to see the development of the supporting characters too. Therefore, I am unfairly biased. Moving on, one of the most attractive feature of this anime was its art (even my mom said the art was nice). It wasn't like conventional art, but that wasn't why I liked it. Well, at the very least it was very consistent throughout (as in, their bodies didn't suddenly grow longer or thinner etc.). I actually really like this anime for its atmosphere too. I'm too lazy to give a summary of its stories and characters, but believe me, this is an anime worth watching. It gives me a rather calm feeling. I think I know why after reading one review. It had a lot of dialogue and talk in it. Yep. I felt something akin to watching Mushishi - only I was more satisfied with Mushishi as I had a larger dose of it.

Ah, but I'm forgetting one important detail. Mushishi was more fantastical, but this was more realistic. The setting, goals, people etc. When I say realistic, I don't mean the degree of believability, but just more relatable I guess. Did I mention that this is an intelligent anime too? I mean, for a samurai anime focusing around a small group of kidnappers, you'd think (generally) that there'd be a lot of reckless action, and shows of brute strength throughout. But no, there was minimal action (good by my standards) and lots of very interesting talk. You'd be impressed at how intricate their plans are. It almost seemed perfect I guess. And it wasn't just about money. Probably another reason why I like this so much. I don't usually write two paragraphs of jumbled thoughts about a certain object if I didn't like/dislike it a lot. Keyword(s): a lot. Okay, screw supporting characters' development, this anime bloody rocked my socks off in the most subtle way ever. Love.

Dig your eyes into its drop-gorgeous beautiful art:

Did I mention that the artist also created Ristorante Paradiso? No wonder it looked familiar.

I like Masa (middle) and adore Yaichi (second from right).

It's Saturday already. Gee. Better get around to telling my parents about Sunday plans. Ch.

Natarii

Da dum de dum

2011-01-07T02:58:00.003+08:00

Wey came over to my house on Wednesday night... after we failed to find her a new handbag in Pyramid (can never find anything of the sorts there). Besides that, we had lunch twice. Yes, twice. One at the toiletbowl restaurant and another at some secluded snack bar or something called MOF. Toiletbowl restaurant food sucked. MOF food was better in comparison but overall so-so. Maybe we should just stick to our usual meals. Yes, I strongly agree.

We slept relatively early, but we woke up rather late. Cause I wanted to continue a dream I don't even remember anymore. We spent the rest of the day watching Mary Poppins and The Boat That Rocked. I like both, but Mary Poppins carries more nostalgia. Don't underestimate the power of nostalgia. Like The Day of The Tentacle or Maniac Mansion or Alone in The Dark. These games carry heavy nostalgia for me. I used to have the DOTT on cd-rom, but god-knows what happened to it. Tis what DOTT looks like:

Bernard, Laverne, and Hoagie - Purple Tentacle is giving them good chase.

Ahh, good days, good days. I enjoy playing and replaying this game so much. Even after so long, I remember about 98% of the things I must do to finish the game when we finally got it to work on the computer. Like Zeniba said, "it is not that you've forgotten, but just that you don't remember." Or something like so - it was in Jap, so yeah. Anyhow, I can't articulate clearly how much I was engulfed by nostalgia when I saw the short animation used for its opening. I wanted to cry from happiness. It's been too long. Too long.

Back to movie-watching, we first dove into MP, and yes, nostalgia hit me like a brick, or a huge rock. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I need to buy a MP dvd with accurate subtitles so I can sing-along too. *nods vehemently* I think what suddenly drove me to want to watch MP again was because of Nanny McPhee. I always thought it was a rip-off from MP, though my brother wouldn't know so. Sometimes, I wish he was more attracted to fairy tales and magic rather than brute strength and barbaric sports. That's me being biased there. Anyhow, MP was wonderful, and resulted in me goin' on a 'unt for them OSTs. Heh. Chim chimmeny chim chimmeny chim chim cheroo~

The Boat That Rocked was entertaining. It featured many 'old' songs that my mum recognises haha. I don't think it was particularly memorable - though there were meaningful connotations like oppression blah blah blah. I mean, what else can you expect from a boat full of men who listen to rock and roll all day and night long other than desire for sex, women, sex, women? Yeah, surface level feelings.

Ch. After Wey was sent back my parents who happened to be going to SS2, I watched Spirited Away. Had a strong urge to rewatch it. No idea why. Fell in love with it all over again. Felt incredibly sad with its ending again. I found myself listening to all the Japanese and knowing what they were talking about only because I've watched this about a hundred times or so. Thus, the horrible english subs didn't do me much harm. The fluidity of Hayao Miyazaki's movies never fail to enchant me. Now I feel like watching Howl's Moving Castle. And Saiyuki. I want to die in this feeling. This feeling of odd satisfaction. This is no peak experience - life isn't at its best, but I feel satisfied right now with the movies I have. Just the movies. Just the movies.

I think T. S. Eliot is having a profound effect on me right now. Though my love for him is extremely biased. I can't discern whether I love his works because they are really that meaningful, beautiful, and amazing, or that I love his works only because I studied them in ENG4U under a stellar teacher's guidance and enthusiasm. Maybe it's both. Perhaps. Perhaps.

I long for a world not like this world. Bottomless dreams. Irrational hopes. It's 4.44 a.m. Time to shake hands with a chimney sweep, it is.

"On the rooftops of London. Coo! What a sight."

Natarii

Sunway & FB & Homophobia, is all.

2011-01-05T09:10:00.005+08:00

Now isn't this dandy. Sunway has blocked all applications on FB and I don't know how to access proxies etc. to override it. I suck. Sigh. I want to play Ravenwood Fair - its themes of deforestation is ironic. They make it sound so happy and nature-friendly (listen to the opening music), but in reality, the game requires you to clear off a huge patch of the forest to build a fair for some stupid princess's wedding. Shit talk about stupid reasons to chop down trees. During the course of your chopping, random woodland creatures will suddenly appear, but they don't even hurt you - all they do is stun you if you try chopping down more trees. It's as though they're begging you to stop killing their homes, which is exactly what we're doing. God, deforestation is what this game promotes. Bleh.

Just a memo: Aitada Otto Zorosan. I'd advise you to not look that up if you're not into yaoi.

Found something interesting related to homophobia. Defintely has a lot of emotional appeal here:

Journal Entry: Tue Dec 21, 2010, 9:04 PM
Homophobia and other bits and pieces are made of :
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it.

Not that I believe this will actually put an end to homophobia - nuts like these are too hard to crack most of the time.

Since Sunway is blocking all apps, I've no choice but to scour DA for anything and everything. Saiyuki and Sanzo is always a good place to begin. Heh.

I haven't expressed how much I'm hating Sunway right now, have I? We pay a goddamn fine sum, and we're restricted to so few resources; WHAT THE HELL LAH. Fucking cheapskates. Feel like a bloody prisoner with the lack of resources we've to deal with here.

Sigh. I'm depressed. Holidays are ending too soon for my liking. I like my holidays away from Sunway, classes, studying... people. I like doing nothing all day long. Only downside would be getting nagged by parents when they return from work. See, they work, while I do nothing, so a bit of nagging is to be expected and is only fair I guess.

I grow old... I grow old...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare eat a
peach?

O Prufrock, you fool.

Natarii

2011 & Murakami

2011-01-01T04:28:00.002+08:00

Well. 2010 has ended. Good riddance to it. It was not a happy year if I think about it. Or maybe I'm just attuned to all the negative aspects of life. In every good moment there's bad, so enjoying life is not something easy to do. Those that do are more skillful at it I guess.

No longer dwelling on that, I've decided to take up the Haruki Murakami book-reading 'challenge'. I don't really see it as a challenge, for reading Murakami is always enjoyable, don't think there's any prizes or anything funny like that, and I've just bought two books of his that I've not read. In other words, I'm all set up to take on this 'challenge'. South of the Border, West of the Sun and Sputnik Sweetheart is what I'll be enjoying this year, and I look forward to it after finishing with ol' Humbert Humbert here.

I signed up for the thing so quick I wonder if I read the rules properly. Re-reading it, I don't think I missed out anything. O well, I'm participant number 106 and the list is still growing like crazy! Love it. Something to distract me is always good. Check it out if you're interested.

That's all I really wanted to say. Anything more would be bittersweet or plain sour. Sourpuss! O but that reminds me of something. My mother and brother bought ol' B here (who's gonna turn 1/lived for 1 full human year this Jan 23rd) for neutering on Thursday. I. e. castration. I was sleeping (thanks to my early morning rendezvous with myself). He came back all wobbly and skinny-looking. And ball-less. Well, one ball less. He still has one pathetically hanging around. No idea what they did to him, but checking up on post-op care for cats, he should be fine and dandy in two weeks. So far there's no bleeding or boils or pus coming out, and the anesthetic seems to have worn off pretty well. Ah, my ball-less cat, so brave thou art. So generous and caring and chicken. He was practically 'ball-less' last time - now he's literally so. Would be interesting to see if there's any significant change in his behaviour. He might even get creamed by that stray cat he's been yowling at lately. Oh B, I pity you. Maybe you'd have preferred being eaten when you were just a day old.

Happy New Year chickens, cows, sheeps, and ducks. I'm sure people will enjoy feasting on you - like they always do.

Natarii

Neck Aches and Zombies.

2010-12-30T00:30:00.003+08:00

Blah blah blah.

My neck is aching for some reason I can't discern. And, my National Reach Easy electric massager is spoilt. Something inside it is loose and can't be tightened. Shitty timing. Maybe these aches are due to sleeping at 5 a.m for a few nights in a row. And not drinking enough water. O life. I swear to sleep by latest 2 tonight. Brrr.

New Year's around the corner. Should start training my body to sleep around midnight soon. No real good reason though, but I'm tired of waking around noon and still feeling deprived of sleep.

Ethereal beauty. No thoughts on it. It just suddenly slithered into the mess of jumbled words that are my thoughts.

About Zombies. Been indulging in more flash games like Dead Frontier: Outbreak, which is sort of like a story thing but now and then there will be action choices for you to make or something like that. I loved it. The narrator had a lovely voice. It was by far the calmest zombie game I've ever played (probably because it didn't involve having to click the mouse constantly to shoot all them zombies haha). I'm the epitome of laziness. So kill me.

Something else, for again, no good reason, I'm listening to Michelle Branch. Though, I find most of her songs bland like dishes with no spice to it. One of her song's tune strongly reminds me of Witch Hunter's Robin's OP/ED song.

Have I told you that I don't really like New Year's? For it means school/college/university is gonna be in business again. Sigh.

I got a lousy new wallet from 'Santa Claus'. It's black, with shiny scales (WTF) and too little compartments for my many items. Sigh. I need a vacation away from Malaysia. Am becoming angry again over everything and nothing. Maybe all I need are anger management sessions. Yeah, sure, that'll work. Ch.

I don't understand why one would buy a Louis Vuitton ^%*&%*(&%* keychain as a present.

I don't understand why one would buy an obviously cheaply made green necklace with fucking obvious flaws as a present.

I don't understand why one would buy bracelets with super bloody girly-looking charms as a present - especially when the person already has bracelets like those and NEVER wears them.

Fuck, I'm one dissatisfied, grouchy, and ungrateful person. I stamp my foot in frustration at the irony of living together and not knowing what a person wants or actually, would NOT WANT after a fucking 20 years of living together. Ignore me now, I'm angry for no goddamned reason.

Maybe I'm dissatisfied because those items lack complete practicality and/or don't suit my own self-visualised image. Especially all them items I just listed above.

Maybe I'm unhappy because out of the list of 10 or more books that I asked for, I only got 2 books and one of them I didn't even ask for nor want as I've already gotten it (a completely different author too). Plus, the book that I got that was on the list is a FUGLY huge hardcover book (LET'S THROW PRACTICALITY OUT THE WINDOW. BEAUTY TOO, WHY NOT?)

Maybe I'm displeased cause the only Christmas presents I really liked were the ones I bought for myself or chose first-hand. Pathetic.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I know it's completely spoilt and bratty and stupid to be feeling that way as YEAH YEAH I'm sooo lucky to even get a present or something I asked for and a whole long list of other I-should-be-grateful-that-I-have-what-most-others-don't-have shit. But SHIT.

Y'know, I blame this neck ache. It's putting me a bad ranting mood. VERY bad ranting mood. I feel like breaking someone's neck and fixing it back together again only to break it even more harshly again. Very. Angry. Violent. Feelings. Slamming my fist into walls or tables ain't working like it should.

God, I'm so disgruntled and angry now that I'm thinking of it again. I should sleep it off. Tired of pretending that I'm fine with all the shitty presents that takes up space in my already cramped room and then you come barging in telling me that I have too much shit in my room when you're the one dumping shit in my room wth wtf wtf,

Tis must be some sort of depression. I hate university.

Goonight.

Natarii

P/S: I do realise and think that some sort of displacement is happening. I just can't figure its source. Is it external or internal? Sigh.

Boggle Me This, Boggle Me That.

2010-12-27T04:34:00.002+08:00

Anyone who I played with or talked about Boggle to would know that I'm partially obsessed with this ever-so-addictive word game ever since Open Day. Crazy enough to buy it. Freaking RM60 but my family is loving it too. Eheh. It's a portable version so I can't wait to play with my classmates and whoever else I can get to sit down and play with me. Heh.

Been busy a-wrappin' my manga and books. Didcha know that wrapping books is very satisfactory if done right? Yes, it is. Plus, they are protected from most dirt and look oh-so-pretty. Only drawback would be that I can't stroke the cover as it is anymore. But! Ah, I guess sacrifices have to be made. I've only wrapped 10 books so far and have 12 more to go =.=" I haven't even finished reading 3/4 of those books though. Gee, slow coach much?

Oh I am making progress, somewhat, in Lolita. Hah, had to be mentally ready for it. Took me months, or actually pure procrastination, to get past the first two pages as I kept putting reading it off. However, now that I'm actually reading it, I find it difficult to stop. Many a time I find myself yearning to read it to find out what happens next. Golly, if only I understood all them foreign phrases/sentences that's suddenly inserted - extremely lazy to look up the meaning of every single one of them. At least Clockwork Orange had a list of vocabulary or slangs accompanying the book (or actually, it was Alyssa's list of which she dug up from God-knows-where). Anyhow, if I were to be disgusted with anything about the book, it'd be that Dolores/Lolita/Dolly/other-dozen-names-she-has attitude at this point. Sigh, I bet her mother was to blame. Bleh. Who else but Humbert Humbert would find her endearing? Not that he doesn't see her 'flaws', but his infatuation(?) is incredible. O well, just have to see how it turns out in the end.

Been on a Harry Potter movie marathon with my brother. No idea why. Nothing else to watch I guess - not for his age anyways.

I'm bleeding. Stupid scabs.

Eh, this post was supposed to be about Boggle and how obsessed I am about it. Not sure what Boggle is? (Shoulda explained it at the beginning haha) It's simply a 4 by 4 matrix of alphabets, and you find words by connecting the letters horizontally, vertically, or diagonally. Minimum players are actually 2. The more letters in a word you find, the more points you get. You've three minutes to find as many words as possible. When time's up, each reads out their lists, and if others have the same word(s) as you or vice versa, you cancel them off. So it's actually the search for more unique or harder-to-detect words. DAMN ADDICTIVE MAN. NEED. TO. PLAY.

Because I'm deprived of partners in crime, I'm reduced to playing Word Challenge on FB. I think I've a thing for word search games. Always enjoyed them a lot, though I'm not excellent at it most of the times, but yeah. Just another LSE moment.

Time to sleep. 5 a.m. O my poor circadian rhythm.

Goonight. Goonight.

Goodnight ladies. Tata. Goodnight. Goodnight.

Natarii

Of Dreams and Christmas Eve.

2010-12-24T11:21:00.004+08:00

I like dreams. Even if they are unsettling. I had one just yesterday. An unsettling one.

It was in incoherent bits and pieces like how many dreams are. I can no longer remember how it started off and it didn't have a true ending to it either. I'll just write what I remember.

Bit 1: A guy (who I know not of in reality) is traumatised by loss of some other guy/teacher. He goes underground for many months, and I accompany him. Everyday is simple - we eat, drink, play some card/boardgames, and sleep. Then one day, people who used to be our friends when we were above ground comes down to visit and play a card game with us. As we're playing, the guy is reminded of what he has lost, and is visibly stressed.

Bit 2: I was in some mall at night, the guy from bit 1 had came above with me but went back down first as I was talking to one of those previous friends that were playing cards with us. Suddenly, as I walked out of the dimly lit shop into the moonlight-lit mall, I saw a man abducting my brother and running up the elevators. I ran. For some reason, there was a mask on my face as I ran. When I finally caught the guy, my brother apparently had been passed to his accomplice and I didn't notice due to the small eyeholes in the mask. The guy laughed at me, and went off too quick for me to follow. Devastated, I noticed a young girl around 12 or 13 looking forlorn and lost coming from the direction of the guy, and she was in a nightgown. I stopped her and asked her if she knew where the guy went, she nodded. When I asked her to lead me there she looked very reluctant so I asked her what was she looking for? It was menstrual pads. I had some with me so I said I would give them to her if she led me to the place the guy went to. So we trekked back to some huge factory-looking place. I walked into the compound and there was a whole row of rooms with lab-like doors with a small window inserted in each one. So I peered through each one carefully and discovered that this was a place of animals and human trafficking.

The last two rooms were exclusive rooms where whores of both genders would hole up and watch TV, play cards, or whatever pasttime while waiting for a customer to come calling.

Bit 3: After that 'tour', I found my brother - only he had turned into a lamb. As in, I was looking for my lamb instead of my brother. Anyhow, I retrieved my lamb, and taught the girl (who I found was the daughter of this factory's head) how to place menstrual pads =.=" Then I got the heck out of there.

Bit 4: Many many years later (7-10 years), I returned to the place with some people. The factory now looks shabby and uncared for. A very gray picture it depicted. I again peered into all the rooms but found nobody inside and it was all dusty and gray. But, I heard some noise in the last two rooms (if you remember, those were the 'waiting rooms'). As I peered in, I got the shock of my life (my dream self did anyways). The girls and guys were still in there, waiting, doing exactly what they did all those years ago. What most shocked me was this: Dr. T was in the female one, and was sitting right at the back and seemed to be blankly staring at some movie in front. For some inexplicable reason, I barged in first into the male room to tell them that this factory had closed down and that there was no business like this here anymore. Then I went into the room where Dr. T was and approached him. He seemed to recognise me, but there was something off in his look and the way he talked. Still intelligent, but in a more insane way. My greatest fear was true - he had gone clinically insane. I felt great sorrow in my heart, and that sorrow remained even when I woke up.

Brrrr. This dream might actually mean that I'm that devastated over Dr. T leaving the department. Or that I have some other doubt or fear deeply indented in me. Whatever it was, it was just another freaky dream. Phew, I wish Dr. T a very healthy mental life throughout =.=" It's too traumatising to think of such an awesome person going clinically insane.

On a lighter note, Merry Christmas Eve to all! Strangely, all I worried about this Christmas was whether I could catch all the mice of Christmas in time on Mousehunt. I need just 3 more mice to drop loot so I can complete my collection! Woohoo! Mice-catching has never been this suspenseful HAHA.

Natarii

Anime & Orchestrated Heartburns

2010-12-20T23:22:00.005+08:00

Been watching anime. Been feeling strongly for them. That's a good sign - the anime club didn't entirely kill my passion in anime. Then after one of my anime-watching binges, I googled some information on a particular part of Aoi Bungaku (No Longer Human), to be precise, 'Hashire, Melos', and stumbled across an awesome review in a blog called Moe Sucks. Already I liked the name of the blog, and the review simply blew me away. I've linked that blog for your reading pleasure. Okay, so I shall revert back to why I even googled for more information on this anime - it had a scene like this in it:

You're probably thinking "ahh, Nat's just being her usual yaoi-self again and having yaoi-oriented thoughts", and perhaps you're right, perhaps not. What really made me want to google it was because I wanted to better understand the references and symbolisations that were all over the place in the anime. So yeah, Moe Sucks helped me much in that department. And I swear, that was the only yaoi-ish scene in the whole anime. I know I've placed Aoi Bungaku in a very yaoi light and have probably made more than one person uninterested in this seemingly bromance-focused anime (WHICH IT ISN'T, sadly so if I may add). It's why I included a link to a short summary of Aoi Bungaku above. Aoi Bungaku is a series of short stories adapted from different authors and Japanese Folklore. It's why I bought this anime in the first place okay, and the part where the art and guys are gorgeous are just delectable side dishes.

Themes of probable insanity and identity and most of what ties in with them are generally very interesting to me, so this was a very enjoyable ride. It absorbed me. Oh, have I mentioned how much I like the main person writing in Moe Sucks? She/He (no idea of their gender yet), writes fiendishly well, and their philosophy (which I've yet to properly grasp or determine) seems to somewhat align with mine in terms of anime and characters. Not that they're dissing moe anime in every single post of theirs or anything childish like that, but it's clear that they think all this harem-harem-moe-underage-girl-lookalike shit is as indicated, shit. Please correct me if I inferred wrongly. It could just be me wallowing in my denial and delusions again (though unlikely *waggle eyebrows*).

This wasn't the only anime I finished this holiday. I also watched Utawarerumono, which disappointed me with its severe lack of character development. I watched Paprika too - a movie focusing around dreams and reality; kind of like Inception if you think about it, but good nonetheless. It had real good suspense elements in it. Planning on starting and finishing Sarai-ya Goyou soon too, which I bought alongside Aoi Bungaku. AHH ANIME! I know I shouldn't be using it as escapism, which I suspect I kind of am as I feel devastated when each of them ends, but reality there sometimes just feels more desirable than life here. Sigh. Even if it's harder and more despairing. We're never satisfied with what we have, are we?

I wonder. "Is it painful to be the person who waits? Or is it more painful top be the person who makes others wait?" Aoi Bungaku is plain beautiful. Must get the novel if I can find it.

Now, moving to more orchestrated designs, Wey, Wey, and I trooped to KLCC with two designs in mind (well, at least I did): to splurge in Kinokuniya and attend an MPO performance. I bought more manga as usual: Children of the Sea Vol. 4, Ooku Vol. 5, Yami no Matsuei Vol. 7 and KAORI YUKI'S NEW SERIES IN STORES! (Grand Guignol Orchestra Vol.1). Only other books I bought were Haruki Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart and South of the Border, West of the Sun. Need my Murakami fix, I do. He's a new series out as well - 18IQ, but I can't find the english version of it anywhere yet. Sad but oh well, I'll get it soon enough.

MPO this time round was more awesome than the last one. First reason would probably because I felt relaxed in my outfit. Second would be because Mahler's Titan was somewhat familiar to me. I jest, I mean only a small part of the third movement was. Another reason would be because the two pieces before Mahler's were freaking awesome. They played West Side Story's... dance tracks? Didn't buy the programme so I've no idea, but yeah, it had a real jazzy feel to it which I fell for. MAMBO! Could practically see dancers whizzing across the floor. Anyhow, the first piece they played was composed by a Malaysian, and it was so... lively? It felt like, as corny as it would be to say this, Malaysia itself. Like the number of races in Malaysia, that's what the piece felt like. It's not bad in that way either. Nevertheless, Mahler was mesmerising, shucks, the whole show stole me! Respect. Though, I did mix up Mahler with Peter and The Wolf. Now I remember where I remember Mahler from. It was from Tim Burton's short movie, Vincent. Go watch it AGAIN. Incredibly lyrical and lovely to the ears.

Oh I also learned some 'orchestra manners', according to Wey. Read her recent post to know more about what should not be done between movements and during the performance in general. Eheh.

Evidently, holidays are doing me well. I much prefer them over struggling to understand some rusted journals or rushing for assignments with more-irresponsible-than-you partners in tow. I even write more comprehensibly, or so I think. I wish the next semester would never begin. To divert from this mourning, National Geography has a pretty interesting slogan (not sure how long it has been promoting this slogan though): "live curious." Really interesting slogan. For it gives attention to what is mostly lacking in many, including myself. Curiosity. Still, it's wondrous how many would still prefer ignorance over curiosity. Laziness perhaps, or maybe a complete lack of intellectual ability to even begin to comprehend the meaning of curiosity. So I is stoopid. Haha. Laugh at my stupidity, if you may so please. I am selectively curious, and not generally. Probably why I lack much general knowledge. Now, me lardies, I know meself a lil' bit better! Joy.

I best be sleeping - wouldn't want the kettle to boil off its stove now would we?

Natarii

Birdy Flew Away

2010-12-12T23:28:00.005+08:00

Went out with Wey on Saturday along with her sis, Wey. Haha. We took the LRT to Pasar Seni, waddled to the Annex, and scoured Art for Grabs with our watery eyes and fingered our soon-to-be-empty wallets. There were quite a bit of stuff that were interesting, and I bought gingerbread men, notebooks with moving eyes, a movie, a trans comic, and some pretty interesting recycled artifacts. Wey and her sis went crazy over rings, bags, and other knick-knacks. We even found out about Toe - Wey's sis even bought it. I wanna borrow it after she's done drooling over it (with gloves). Saw pretty keychain fingers hanging around, and selling for RM12. Each of my fingers costs 12 ringgit, so I could sell all ten of my fingers for 120 ringgit. O the woes of life. A meagre 120 ringgit!

We even stayed for some book-promoting event. It's simply about some woman's dog. Regretted sitting in front for we couldn't leave without disrupting it obviously =.= O the manners we possess! Haha. Pfft. The dog was a Scottie and had a brown beard and a Korean name. Chang something. He had lovely soft fur though, so that was nice.

So we rounded Art for Grabs one last time, and it seemed everyone knew everyone =.=" Such a friendly bunch I guess, but there were LSE moments. Yes, I know, I know. Anyhow, saw a crossdresser in there too *grins* and she's super tall (even without heels).

Then we traveled to KLCC to have our very late lunch. We didn't even have time to stop by Kinokuniya =.= For we had to get to KLpac to catch Birdy - which we needn't have worried about as it wasn't a very full day for them. There were good actors, and not so good ones. As we agreed upon, some were just not convincing enough. Weiss (I think that's how you spell his name; he's the military psychologist. Well, he's only in charge of evaluating their mental health or fitness - not so much of other aspects) and the older versions of Al and Birdy were the best in my opinion. Overall, the play was relatable, albeit slightly confusing for the first few scenes. As a staunch homosexuality supporter, I enjoyed all the yaoi scenes including the one where the guy fed the other guy with his mouth in imitating a mother bird with its young. Yay for yaoi and all things gay. Heh. Now I feel like watching Octopus, which is about a male gay couple. Eheh.

Geez, holidays are passing by so quickly and I haven't even begun rotting yet. I love my holidays too much. Sigh.

This is just to pass the time, yet again. I shall go draw a possum called Kelly now.

Natarii

To Donkey With Love

2010-12-10T01:23:00.003+08:00

For the person who supposedly shares this bright, bloated blog with me...

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY!!

It's the end of a year and soon a beginning of another. Good luck for your final finals (eheh) and see you soon. *grins*

Natarii

It's coming and ending.

2010-12-08T18:26:00.003+08:00

DeviantART's a curse - it has too many pretty things in there. Temptations of all kinds exist there. It's why I avoided it during my exam period. Now I just can't stop rummaging through all the art I come across there. Ahh.

Also, I've quite lost any enthusiasm to crap here like I usually do. Maybe there's not much steam to be let off lately. Not much. Wait till uni starts up again, I'll have plenty to let off then - ah, how inspirational - ch.

I am thoroughly, again, enjoying the beginning of my holidays. I am made of slacker material and that probably isn't going to help me fare well and all of that sorts. As Wey mentioned in one of her recent posts though, good marks with benefits are addictive. Sigh. Then again, this degree is beginning to kill me inside. You know something's terribly off when you begin wishing your holidays were half a year long and that you don't look forward to starting a new semester anymore. (Keyword: anymore).

Now I feel like adventuring lazily, if there's such a thing. My idea of doing that is simply floating around to different places and exploring them thoroughly, preferably nature-based/related. Talk about being logical and realistic, but who needs that when you're me?

My relatives make me feel that humans are not worth serving/helping/educating.

But that's just me.

I'm supposed to be wrapping a lot of crap right now. Sigh, I suck at wrapping, yet I get all the wrapping jobs. Actually, wrapping is pretty pointless in a sense that its only purpose is to conceal, so does that mean it isn't pointless? Bleh. Okay, expensive wrapping paper is pointless. Lazy to elaborate needlessly on that. A fine Miss Lazy I'd be. Mr. Lazy'd be proud. When I say wrapping though, I hope you think of wrapping presents, not books. Books are a joy to wrap - especially manga. Eheh. Caught being biased! Again.

I liked Eustace's eloquence. He pulled off wittiness and sarcasm to a T. Perfect T.

I feel rather strongly about fantasies. That was just the wishful, emotional side of me chattering. Sometimes, reality and its bitchiness should go take a hike and leave me in an ethereal, make-believe world. I might be susceptible to delusions. And hallucinations.

I think it's funny if a psychologist/psychiatrist ever had to enter therapy with another simply because. Okay, I don't think it's funny, wrong term, but more of the feeling you get when something feels very ironic. Yeah, that.

My paragraphs are all over the place, like my mind. I've always been lectured about my organisation by many a lecturer/teacher. Well, I guess a messy mind begets messy essays and all that. Sad, really. Sometimes, I like to believe that I've something important to say *laughs* but then my disorganised mind messes my sentences up. It's why I like Eustace's eloquence - his execution was excellent in all terms. His vocabulary superb and he could call up all them exact terms accurately and quickly. Really lovely. I see the green mist building up around me.

When I said I lost my enthusiasm to crap, it must have been a spur of the moment thing where it passes just as quickly as it comes. I see that I was just word constipated. Ah. See?

Nonetheless, I still need more artistic stimulation. DA can't satisfy all of that.

Best get back to that wrapping, before my parents overhaul my room for a paint job.

Natarii

Another Freaking Squirrel

2010-12-03T02:03:00.002+08:00

Is over. Now I can drool to Dragostea Din Tei all I want without a Jiminy Cricket making noises.

So are you that embarrassed to answer a direct question honestly? Talk about insulated listening. Never mind, I have good reason to leave it alone now.

By the way, Wey, it's official. Tell you about it sometime when you're online and if I remember.

It's ironic. Now I don't feel like sleeping, and my head and eyes don't hurt either. That's how painful using brains are. Studying edu psych notes, I suddenly had random mad ideas of overhauling the whole bloody education system or reformatting exam formats themselves. Maybe, I should think a bit more about this. Maybe, education is the impact that I'm searching for. Maybe, I should stop typing like this. Blame the early morning. Blame everything else but yourself. Somehow, I lost my sense of humour along the way.

It feels like a huge storm just passed. But calm waters are the most dangerous ones. Feels like I'm heading into one right now. Only a matter of time before the sucking down happens. Huge storm being exams. Calm waters being holidays. I'm not being cryptic here on purpose. I just suck at explaining myself.

Also, on a somewhat unrelated note, I don't find excessively contradicting yourself funny. Yeah. Self-explanatory view.

I get a very satisfactory feeling when I compile all the notes of all the subjects into a file or folder. Cause that particular subject is over - yes, treading calm waters. Hell, why does Ms. G teach all the subjects I dislike?

I hear Ms. C is returning. God, as if having Dr. A around isn't enough - now there will be an explosion. Maybe that'd help in reducing the number of eager students joining this desolate degree of irony.

Gee, I want to graduate. Tired of this degree already. I need a life. I obviously need motivation, of which fails me at probably all times. I need to graduate fast, but I want to do nothing. Nothing. Nothing begets nothing. So nothing I should be. To be the Nothing, like in The Never-Ending Story. How many have actually watched or remember that movie? I remember loving it as a child, and I still love that notion of a never-ending story, for I always thought stories ended too fast and I more often than not wished they had no ending. To hear stories of it continuously, but nothing is repeated or recycled. Never-ending story.

Human lives are pathetic. Learn learn learn and then pass the knowledge back to earth. Pointless.

Everything goes cold in the end.

Natarii

Twas A Small Town Girl

2010-12-01T14:19:00.003+08:00

I can no longer take heavy exams all in a row. Screw this. My eyes and head are aching like mad. Wtfocus?

There's too much to memorise. I suck at self-regulating. I'm depressed, I recognise it but why nothing is done about it - cause I suck at self-regulation. God I'm depressed. Give me some MAOIs. Maybe I rather be drugged up drowsy than being freakishly depressed all the time. God, there's too much to memorise. My fucked up so-called critical thinking skills don't exist no more. I can't be creative when all you want are lists lists lists.

Let it stay as the past.

2010-11-24T21:11:00.003+08:00

"Hey~! Remember me?"

"Yeah *******. Hi, how are you?"

"Good. It's been so long..."

(insert rest of meaningless and brief chatter)

Does it sound familiar? Ever had people from your past suddenly 'rediscovering' you and greeting you a bit over-enthusiastically?

Ever wished you didn't 'reconnect' with them? I regretted approving of their friend request the minute the person said "hi".

Well, yeah. My highschool years were less than to be desired, and though I did say I probably enjoyed my Form 3 year the most, it does not mean I want to reconnect with any of the classmates I had then that made it bearable. I sound insensitive and somewhat ungrateful and all that now, do I? Well, my reasons are purely selfish here, so I can't say much about that.

What possible reasons could one have for not wanting to reconnect with people who made you think that that one year out of all the other shitty years was the best and most bearable one?

I'll tell you mine. It is simply because I do not want to ruin that sentiment or that memory I have of it. My ideal. My denial, perhaps, too that I was a different person altogether back then. After 5 years, heck even 1 would be enough, you would expect a person to change. At the very least, to be more mature than one was back then. Maybe I expect too much, after all, it is proven that some mature faster and some slower. But to be STUCK at that same point after so many years? Maybe I'm being too judgmental. Yeah. Maybe I should stick around longe- WTF YOU CAN SHOOT ELECTRIC SPARKS OUT OF YOUR FINGERTIPS AND YOU KILLED SOMEONE WITH IT? Wow. Amazing.

Yes, I'm being judgmental. Sigh.

O God, to be less judgmental, I shall stay away from your wallposts and page. Yes, avoidance behaviour.

Y'know, I can honestly say that I do remember enjoying those days with you back then. Please, let me not ruin those memories with disgust and disdain now. Life is worthless enough as it is. And I sound pathetic now.

Sigh. Life is that meaningless. Never mind. My past wasn't anything to be much fond about anyways. I hardly remember things from the past anymore. Maybe it's retrograde amnesia - no, I'm quite sure it is. How I survive with a damaged brain isn't that amazing though, as compared to others. As compared. Hah.

I hate exams. Oh, the hate. *laughs*

Natarii

Get Off Your High Horse, Lady.

2010-11-20T22:28:00.002+08:00

I don't need a ride tonight~ Lay dow~wn~~~ Ohh Hmm~

Nobody on the road, nobody on the beach. I can see you. After the boys of summer have gone.

And I. Believe. The world is burning to the ground. Oh well. I guess. We're gonna find out. Let's see how far we've come. Let's see how far we've come.

Music. What is it other than a bundle of sounds. O such melodious sounds.

I should properly compile all these songs one day into a playlist called... hmm 'Surreal Pop'? Bullshit obviously, I just lack imagination at naming things. It's why the furthest I ever got at naming non-living things was that dead snake in my high-school bio lab, which I fondly called Tabitha.

Crack-a-rib is what I'd call it. Anyhow, time to get off this horse (it probably died under me) and start doing meaningful things (like carving off my face). Abusing parentheses isn't one of them. Ehem. I lose my sense of humour now and then. Well, what's left of it anyways.

I had a nightmare, which felt like deja vu. It's what made me fear mirrors. I always found mirrors sinister. Even more so in horror movies which use it as a medium of sorts. We all have a doppelganger - all we have to do is to look in the mirror to find it. Mirror surfaces are usually cool if not cold of which accentuates its surreal quality. I've wondered how mirrors were made, but never actually bothered to find out. It's my laziness that prevents any form of intelligence in my brain from developing to its fullest. Along with my lousy hippocampus, striatum, rhinal cortices etc. Oh, I realised I haven't talked about the dream yet. Well, it's pretty horror movie generic, but I woke up frozen and somewhat petrified. Now I know how them Harry Potter characters feel when they're petrified.

Somehow, I can't bring myself to relive the memories of the nightmare, as fresh as it it in my mind. Talk about PTSD. That's post-traumatic stress disorder for you. Sigh.

Exams are truly, a nightmare.

Natarii

FB Stalking.

2010-11-18T22:23:00.002+08:00

Somehow, I am slipping into that stalker frame of mind when I check up on Hooker. Yes, Hooker, the preeety (yes, on purpose) gay, much-older guy I came across on FB through his fan drawing of Sanzo. I only am able to stalk him because he allows everyone to read wall posts and stuff, though his pictures are actually for friends only. Gee, I sound maniacal. Maybe I am. I daren't add him as a friend due to my INNATE fear of rejection. Gee. I fail. I fail at life. Yay, sounds like another depression-filled post, doesn't it? Or soon to be at least. Well, I wont be denying you that pleasure now, for it'd be a heinous crime to do so, wouldn't it?

Yeah, sure. Just give up already. I have reason to believe that most people are inherently fucked up, and those that aren't just can't do anything about it. Wow, so much for what little hope I might've had in humanity. I guess when you had first blood relatives that are so fucked up, you wonder what's wrong with the world, and everything else. Yes yes, multiple reasons and factors as to why some turn out so differently, but are we really that different, for that matter?

Ah, sidetrack. Just as I was acknowledging that this vessel was not truly required in this world anymore, I realised there was one more to fix, no, to attend to. No wonder why I'm not dead yet. Maybe what we do our whole life is find reasons to live. When we seemingly don't, we hang on till we do. Those seemingly happy people may be the ones who have found somewhat permanent reasons to live, or many meaningful ones as perceived by them. What have I found that's meaningful enough to continue trying to live in a cynical world like this? Nothing permanent really. Nothing solid. Nothing meaningful enough. Maybe some minute ones here and there, but not really enough to last for long-term purposes. Gee, it all sounds so mechanical and programmed. So emotionless. Maybe it basically is, but just that humans have a way of adding emotions to that process, and make it seem meaningful. So does this mean that emotions make things feel meaningful? Emotions, so wide and perhaps too complex to be pinned down as the single reason for why things are meaningful. Oh well.

I have been babbling nonsensical stuff. I believe I even fail at heinous crimes. Sigh. Life.

Is this all I have to live for?

Natarii

OH CRAP

2010-11-16T15:30:00.003+08:00

Yes, this is going to be about crap. Like, the euphemism of shit. Oops, point missed. Anyhow, the following semesters of the rest of my degree is going to suck shit. Like SHIT. I wish I could graduate now. Half a degree doesn't sound so bad, though it ain't perdy enough for any jobs or further studies. Why is it going to suck shit? Well, we'll be clear about that next semester, won't we? Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh. Hell is gonna reign. Sunway now officially is filled with crap and I can't wait to get out of here.

Haha. Hahaha. The thing about slice of life movies is that it emphasises on how unfair life is. Sigh.

Erroneous life.

Natarii

P/S: I can't act.

Music.

2010-11-14T23:16:00.003+08:00

This Sunday was spent in many sorts of music. First, I wake up to go to my bro's Sports Day event, and hear what I think is techno or actually just constant pounding blasts of it from the speakers. Then I go Akhanda Bhajan where I dozed off. Then while my parents visited 1U, I stopped at some CD shop to look at the 2 for RM50 music CD offers. Then my parents saw it. No, to be more specifically, my mum saw it. So she ended up buying 5 CDs (one wasn't on offer) while I only got 2 =.=" They bought Air Supply, Blondie, Queens, Olivia Newton John, (I forgot the other) and some Christmas songs compilation. I apparently idolised Olivia Newton John at age 3. It's somehow why I first got my ears pierced. Hmm. Anyhow, I got Sarah McLachlan and eh, don't ask me why, Matchbox Twenty. There were only two Tori Amos albums there, but I already own both copies. Gah. I actually wanted Rod Stewart but couldn't find him. Sigh.

I grow old, but that's only because I feel old. I'm losing whatever youthful vitality I had or felt. I look at people in college and feel old. I look at working adults and I feel older. I also really can't stand this semester's finals. Spoilt now are we? Bullshit. If we are spoilt, then what the fuck are those with an exam a week or a fortnight? Fucking excuses to end your own pain faster by inflicting more pain on us. It bloody doesn't do anything about the greater good, which I sure as hell don't know what that is. If Psychology students are expected to not be depressed, then dip my eyes in cilli powder and wash it out with soap.

So maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow. Perhaps I'll die tomorrow.

What's worth celebrating?

Natarii

Brain Dead Saturday

2010-11-14T00:02:00.003+08:00

Brainsss.. The groan of the zombies from Plants vs Zombies is stuck in my head. I spent God-knows how many hours playing mini-games, adventure, and hard survival modes today. My head, neck, and arm hurt like hell afterwards, so I vegetated in front of the television. This isn't a good life and I'm in no way implying that it is good.

I'm really supposed to be studying for finals, but since I'm already a screw-up, why care right after I've passed up yet another shitty ass?

Wonder what happened to coherent thought?

I watched Pay It Forward this morning. It was a very ironic movie. The supposed main idea of it was to pay a kind deed (and not just any kind deed, but a type of deed that the other can not achieve by themselves) forward, not back, to three others when it's been done for you. And this will continue on, ideally. WARNING, SPOILERS AHEAD. So the main character, a boy, who thought of this idea died in the end... while he was trying to do a good deed. The absolute, most ironic thing ever. He got killed trying to do a kind deed. WTFocus. Sigh. Twas a good movie... till. Sigh.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect all movies to end happily, but that was simply too stupidly contradicting for me to swallow properly. Sigh.

I need sleep. I'm forgetting things nowadays.

Must be old age. Hah.

Natarii

Stomach Buggers 2

2010-11-11T20:13:00.002+08:00

I STILL feel fucking bloated and uncomfortable. Shit. This is not compatible with life.

NO COMPATIBILITY HAHHAHAHA

My life fails.

Not much of an idea of what's influencing me, but I've been having thoughts that I'm not cut out for Psychology, and that no amount of trimming or sewing on is going to make me fit into it. Okay, so I do have an idea of what's giving me these thoughts - bloody researches and their reports. It's so pointless when you realise that you should have controlled for this and that and that it was obvious that you should have and imbecilic that you didn't in the first place, and by the time you realise it it's already too late. Shitty realisations. And I'm in my second year already and should know better. Y'know, I wouldn't mind spending 5 years doing a degree in Psychology if I had only 2 subjects per long semester and 1 per short semester. I could actually give proper attention to doing the research instead of all the half-assed researches that I've done so far. Yes yes, blaming external causes now, but I know my time management sucks. Still, doesn't stop me from wishing I could do that. I don't know what's all the hurry for independence and work and money money MONEY. Sigh.

I'm tired of half-assed researches and experiments and their pointlessness.

Natarii

Stomach Buggers

2010-11-10T23:32:00.002+08:00

Yo there. I'm sure you know I hate people. You don't? Ignorant prick. What? I'm too demanding now? Pfft.

My stomach has suddenly decided to start aching for some reason I know not of. Maybe it was something I ate. Maybe it's anxiety - over what? ASSes? Hm. Nah. Whatever it is, it's giving me reason to visit the toilet more than once, and also coddle my book along the way.

I need a life. O wait, I have one. What I meant was that I want a life other than this one. The grass always seems greener on the other side. Yes, I'm bitching here. Yes yes, I know I could make a different life out of the one I already have. But has anyone every heard of the term 'inborn laziness'? Yeah well if you haven't then now you have.

Shit, you shall come out when I say you can come out. Stop trying to force your way out.

That sounded like I was pregnant. Draw a bull with its backside facing towards you along with its dung that it just shat out and you'll get where I'm coming from.

You know something's wrong when at first you aspire to sit on a roof, but next you desire to jump off it instead.

That's not pointing in particular to anyone.

O FUCK life.

Natarii

Oh Noes

2010-11-07T00:53:00.002+08:00

I remember bitching not too long ago about a stupid report that I had no enthusiasm to write at all.

I thought that was bad.

This is worse.

Yeah, you're happy now.

I'm starting to forget. Forget what really matters, for I don't know what really matters anymore. This isn't fucking important. That isn't fucking important. Nothing is important anymore these days. Does this stinking report really matter? Does socialising with a bunch of people who you barely see or know early on a Sunday morning for no important reason really matter? Do people really matter?

I am failing. Failing to understand the purpose of all this shit I put myself through anymore. There is no deeper meaning to it. I can't see it. I can't see the importance, the purpose, the meaning of such doings or activities anymore.

Learning too has lost its meaning when there's nothing beneficial you can do with what you've learnt. There is no satisfaction in it anymore. I feel like a rock that could crumble at the very first wave that hits me.

I realised long ago that I have no purpose in life as so much that I do doesn't really matter. Not in the long run. Not much in the short run either.

Is that happy chemical really enough to live our whole life on? Is setting a purpose so minute that just touches your lowest expectations really meaningful or worth making a fuss about?

Once again, I ask myself, what am I living for? No fucking answer.